Kymma, Kisses are my only sugar - Journal page 17

[canio6]

Reading and thinking of you. Totally understand messing with food to quiet anxiety. Take care of yourself.

The wise lady speaks and takes my words It sounds like you are dealing with a lot, but you are strong enough to whip it all into shape. Many happy and stress-free thoughts your way.

[Kymma]

Thank both of you sooooo much. I THINK the anxiety peaked last night. By the time I got home I had a wide eyed, completely bummed out and freaking look on my face. We went and ate Vietnamese, probably my favorite food on the planet, and I had a delicious bowl of curry beef and noodle soup. Not LC, but it did soothe the soul. I almost went out and got my favorite ice cream, but let myself get sleepy on the couch instead. I woke up better today. Hubs started the new job today, I am going to a meditation meet up this evening, and I am doing my burst fitness DVD at 11am with a friend.

I am going to a lecture given by Isabel Wilkerson, who "wrote "The Warmth of Other Suns: The Epic Story of America's Great Migration" after interviewing 1,200 people about the massive population flight from the Jim Crow South in the 20th century."

One of the great things that came of the play is a strong sense that my life's purpose has something to do with the fight for equal rights, for women, for all skin colors, for sexual identity, for HUMANS. Some of the anxiety could also be from trying to figure out the how. But I know, I don't have to find the how, I just have to know the why.

So my plan is to allow, and to allow what needs to come into being in my life by doing what I feel pulled towards. I am pulled towards meditating, yoga, and exercise, and eating well for my health. I am pulled towards studying and reading about the history of the Women's Rights Movement, as well as the hard pain of our horrible and traumatizing history.

I wonder if I should clear my blog of all the past starts and start writing about my research. It would give me a place to put my research.

[Kymma]

I know some of you read this, and right now I am using this as a diary. I don't have the ability to express this to the level needed at the moment, so I have got to get it out. I am foul mouthed and on red alert, so yeah, reader beware and all that jazz....

Well, my gut was right, day 1 and there are problems, but he isn't quitting, well, not yet. He didn't get done in time to get to school in time. And at a private accelerated university, that won't work. It will today, but he is already realizing the hours won't work, and he let the man be vague, instead of asking him real questions with quantifiable answers. What time do the drivers finish, sometimes 2-3, sometimes later. How many hours, sometimes 40, sometimes a little more. ARGGHHHH! WTF?

I love this man, but this is a MAJOR issue. I am his cheerleader, I KNOW he is fucking brilliant and the best personnel manager I have ever seen in action, for god's sake employees have written him handwritten thank you letters so many times, but I can't find him a job and his job situation is killing me. Like for real. I had a lot of mental issues that I worked my ass off after having the worst fucking reaction to antidepressants and cleaning it up with therapy and communication and refinding my fucking joy, and all that shit. Feeling this anxiety again and losing control of managing it to the worst extent in several years, and well, I can SEE it this time. I can see how insecurity and unemployment in a spouse can drive the other one bonkers. What if I wasn't fucking bonkers the first years of our marriage, what if this stress just pushes me to my limits? Not because I don't admire and have true affection for him, but because the type of issues he is bringing to the table are the worst ones for me? And yes, I should learn the lesson offered by said triggers, but for real? isn't that just some ridiculous ass bullshit new agers tell themself to make themselves feel better when physical concerns like money and security take a toll on their "kind, gentle, anti-consumer" mindset?

I want to face this time, I want to communicate with love and compassion, but oh my god, I want it finished. I feel like I am birthing this fucking lesson from beyond and damn, dude, I just want to go to work, pay some damn bills, have some fun, rinse, repeat for a couple years.

[Kymma]

Silly post.

[Kymma]

Dealing with anxiety from my husband's not finding his niche in life yet.

[Pebbles67]

I think you need to tell him how you feel, that you truly cannot go on this way. Having said that, I'm not sure an ultimatum will change anything.

This was my Father's MO and it took a huge toll on the family. He made a lot of excuses and promises while my mother worked her Ass off to make sure we had a home and food. The minute I went off to college, she asked me if she could leave him.

I loved my Dad. He was a fun guy, but no job was good enough, no boss nice enough for him. He had a dream that didn't happen and his self esteem issues wouldn't allow him to just work a job for the sake of the family.

Sorry you are going through this.

[Kymma]

Thank you Pebbles. I know I have to tell him.

He told me about an issue once (I had extreme intimacy issues) and the way I reacted after the initial meltdown was swift and healing for both of us. It is my turn to give him the opportunity. It will also end any confusion. It isn't an ultimatum, there is no threat. I know it is implicit in saying I cannot go on this way, but I do not know what I will do or the time frame I will decide. I am remaining open. However, if he decides that he doesn't have time, it isn't important, or he is helpless, then all of my questions are completely answered and I can go from there.

[Kymma]

SOLDIERS OF TWILIGHT "Believe" - YouTube

How do you see what you wanna be
Don't look at me I can't make you change
If you believe you're halfway there
Oh you can reach it if you look within

If you just believe maybe your life will change

[Kymma]

I feel empowered now. I did my 20 minute burst training dvd, which I really liked and can feel. I just have to talk it out.

I also made a date with a friend to go paint next week. I am important.

[Kymma]

I am alive and well, with probably a 10 lb weight increase to show for my anxiety over the last couple of weeks. I think I have moved through it. I don't plan to do many activities, except for fun stuff this week.

I am prepared, bought a ton of food and know what to cook or have for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I feel ready to reinvest in myself.

I have placed all of my food for the day in MFP, and will be in good ranges for the day, can even add some cream cheese clouds, which I may make tonight. I am ready to meet this week and make it a good one.

Off to workout soon. LOVE the Burst training with Dr. Axe. 20 some minutes and it is over. We started doing it early so we get it done before the work day takes over.