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Thread: Kymma, Kisses are my only sugar - Journal page 13

  1. #121
    Kymma's Avatar
    Kymma is offline Senior Member
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    I am bone tired! The play is kicking my ass right now. Between working my tail off and managing all my work projects, rehearsing, dealing with getting myself fed, and not eating most nights until 9:30 and going to bed between 11-12, I have run myself down. Tomorrow is a down day, so I will be sleeping until noon or one for sure.

    My mood is shit. I'm reading my horoscope and rolling my eyes, doing my job and I'm irritated with all of it. Please let this be the PMS blues so it comes and goes quick. Where is the red tent to rest and only be around women who understand what I am going through when I need it? The modern world really sucks. We spend most of our time working, the rest trying to get all the crap we've been told we need to live well, the rest feeding or sleeping. Wah wah wah! Right!

    I'll shake it off, just needed to let it out a bit.

  2. #122
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    {hugs} ................ sorry, Kymma - chin up, sweetie!
    Read post #2626
    my motivation

    Weight goals:
    Highest weight: 216
    Current weight: 189 (7-16-14)
    Goal weight: 140

  3. #123
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    This may have been a personal record of worst PMS ever. It was truly awful, my communication got muddy, my temper flared, fought with the hubs, sobbed about how critical everyone has been being of me (this part is partially true, I think, I will re-evaluate when my hormones subside), and then enraged and pissed at people not having their own shit together. The play has been more disorganized than my event planning self would like, and it really fed into my weekend.

    For those of you who don't know me, I am an overachieving overfunctioner, who is in "recovery" and does ok, but it is a constant area of modification in my life. And after awhile, if someone is critical of me when I am overfunctioning and carrying the lion's share of the work, whether at home, work, in a play, then I can get very angry at myself and reflect it out on the world. So this week, my goal is to stop being the dinner shopper and preparer in my home for a grown ass man who chooses his enjoyment before chores and let him fend for himself. Also, this week I am not going to be the costumer, dresser, stage manager, prop master, and just be the actress. I am a director's dream, but I am my own worst nightmare. The only time I have ever gone diva was on set onetime when some crew was arguing about who would sweep the floor. I yelled and told them to stop acting like assholes and give me the damn broom, I would be happy to sweep the floor. I see shit that has to be done and do it, but it isn't always the most healthy choice for me or others.

    On the weight loss front, I am down 7.8 pounds since my restart on January 7. However, I know that there is some water weight and also from being ill and not eating much last week, and I may see a spike. Maybe not this week, because the play will have me eating a little less and no time for snacks or missteps. I actually may have a hard time getting all the meals I need, but I plan on really trying. I told the hubs he is on his own, so if I'm not hungry, I may not eat.

    I am SICK of eggs. I never thought I would say that, but yuck! So I am having a delightful fat bomb smoothie today that may take me through to dinner.

    Chocoavo Smoothie Recipe
    1 cup canned coconut milk
    1 avocado
    stevia to taste (I used 2 droppers)
    2 tbsp of unsweetened cocoa powder
    8 ice cubes
    blend

  4. #124
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    I tend to bottle up stuff like that too, especially in regards to dinner prep. I've been the primary food-getter & maker in the apartment for the last year. First, because Boyfriend hurt his shoulder and then because of schedules, and also because he didn't have the money to pitch in for groceries, so I did it all on my own. It will be weird if/when the schedules change and he can start cooking again. He should be cooking on the weekends, but it keeps not happening for some reason or another. I've gotten used to it and just plan for the whole week now, except for ordering out one night a week.

    Your smoothie sounds excellent. Do you have some eggs you could hide in there (if you want a little protein & more fat)?

    Sounds like you could use some new breakfast ideas.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  5. #125
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    I'm not ready for raw eggs in the smoothie, but maybe I'll try it in the future. Being the primary food gatherer and preparer is bs imo. You make time for what is important to you. And he NEVER makes something during the day before he goes to work so it is done for me when I get home, unless I prompt him, so I may make a new rule. If I am cooking, I will cook for 2. If not, do it yourself buddy. The thing is I have tried some things, I shop and then right meal ideas on a card on the fridge. I need to sit down with him and explain how I feel.

    He actually said in a discussion that the reason he helps me out so much is bc his Dad never did. when he was growing up. I looked at him and said, no you help me out bc you live here and it is your job to do so. Bitch, please, I make more money, have worked solid for our entire marriage, and you think I'm your maid too? I can't wait for him to get on his path career and income wise. This Superwoman is budgeting a maid and yard guy . that we will split the cost of, cause I am SICK of this struggle. These dudes are so damn mixed up. Poor guys.

  6. #126
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    That's a good idea with him prepping before work. I didn't think of that ><. Boyfriend is about to start going to a class in the AM before work 2 days a week, so I don't want to overload him, but he could at least take over some lunch-prep for the both of us (just fry up some meat real quick, we can add whatever we want to that).

    I want my opportunity to be a stay-at-home person someday too. I wonder what we'll do when Boyfriend graduates next year & finds work.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  7. #127
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    I must say reading journals here gives me much insight into the female side of relationships. Very interesting. Though, I am glad my wife doesn't post here
    somehow I manage to leave my intelligence and decorum at the door wherever I go. I doubt your journal will be an exception to that - not on the rug

    What the F&#* is a decorum? - Mr. Anthony

  8. #128
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    I am struggling on many fronts, but food isn't one of them. Hallelujah for one small victory in the mine field of many other time bombs.

  9. #129
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    "Bitch, Please..." Lol, so true for me too. I got into trouble this week because I dared to ask him how the full time job hunt was going. I'm just getting out of the dog house 2 days later.

    I am going to try your smoothie recipe. Some mornings I just don't feel like eating eggs either. Thanks.

    Break a leg on the stage lady! I can't wait for my next audition in the spring.

  10. #130
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    Opening night, this indie theater is full of huge tech issues and it has been a huge challenge for the cast. We are doing a full run thru at 10:30am and then opening the show at 8pm. I will be napping this afternoon and then getting my makeup and undergarments on at home to help ease my nerves for tonight. I can't say I will never do this again, but not often. It has definitely stirred my creative juices, I have some stories I want to write, I am reinforced in my desire to speak and train in my current role, and I have had some real epiphanies that have been midwifed through this process. I'll share later as they come to full vision.

    I am not hungry, and haven't tracked, just eating and trying to get fats in. It has been a welcome break from tracking and let me know that this WOE is becoming a habit. I ate from a spread some leaders bring in once a year, chicken salad, grilled veggies, and this goat cheese covered with sundried tomato spread. The chicken salad and tomato spread may have had a few more carbs, maybe even a hint of sugar, but think about it. I would have normally had allmthesechips,crackers, cookies, a bite of all the cakes. They even had 2 gluten free cakes and it didn't even tempt me. I watched coworkers go in and out getting more all afternoon while I was completely satisfied. What freedom.

    1 rehearsal and 3 performances in the next 3 days, then 4 days dark, with hopefully one rehearsal prior to the last 2 performances and my time freedom will be back! Off to focus on the present for a bit and enjoy this!

    Love to you all, I can't wait to catch up with all your journals.

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