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Thread: Kymma, Kisses are my only sugar - Journal page 11

  1. #101
    tomi's Avatar
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    Kymma, I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling with this. I can hear the desperation coming through - frustration, anger, disappointment. Does he know how you're feeling? are you scared to tell him cuz you are afraid it will make things worse?

    I'm sure you're counselor tells you this - but remember to make "I" statements, not "you" statements. And make sure to tell him what you need in order to feel secure financially. And if you are truly thinking another failed job is going to force you to think strongly about divorce, then you owe it to him to share those feelings. He needs to know what is at stake and what consequences will come from his choices.

    Breathe through it..............
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  2. #102
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    It is sort of recurring. I do plan to talk to him about how it makes me feel AGAIN. We have hashed it all out before. I am hoping he was venting and cooled off today. It isn't about some rude 20something hostess, it is really about his frustration with his life choices and success. He has been applying for jobs for 4 years and hasn't had any interviews. That is bc 80% of jobs come from someone you know unless you have an amazing resume and he doesn't. He hasn't wanted to invest any time into networking and creating professional contacts, he is Mr. I don't have the time. No, you don't make it a priority. I am a super networker, overachiever with a great resume and professional network and I never make it past the interview. I know how hard it is to find a job. I have compassion. I just am tired is all. I know he is, but hell, I am too.

  3. #103
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    I have read that financial instability is the #1 stressor for women.
    I am living it too, because my husband has mostly worked part time all our marriage. I am often steaming with anger at him because we are in debt and can't pay for our kids to go to college. It is a constant weight on me. My father was a serial job loser/leaver. I have lived too long like this. I Feel your pain. {{{Hugs}}}.
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  4. #104
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    Kymma is offline Senior Member
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    Hugs Pebbles! We will get through it!

    When I spoke to him earlier, I said, walk away if you start to get angry, and he said, I'll try my best. I said, I know you will because you know what this would do to us, and he said yes, he did know. So if he goes and does it and I'm angry, well, fuck, I told him clearly and with compassion. I'll be honest, he better not, bc I will be moving into the spare room until it is resolved with a new job and a lot of understanding that this is serious. He has tomorrow off, of course, I'll have play practice until 9:30pm. I think he is off Friday night too. We are just going to have to have a very real talk. It is time for him to grow the fuck up. I have had it with this shit.

  5. #105
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    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    Speaking from (kinda) the other side of the fence: I have held 6 jobs in the past not quite 5 years. Two, I did walk away from (but not before having something else lined up.) Three of them, I was fired or laid off, and ended up on unemployment each time. It's hard knowing you should pull your weight, but can't. You get snippy and grumpy. After long enough on unemployment, you get reclusive, because F- it, no one wants you so why bother. (I kept trying because unemployment was a nonoption for me.) When you're working a dead end job to make ends meet because it's the only option, it's almost as bad. On really bad days, you WANT them to fire you, if for no other reason than you won't hafta work in hell anymore.
    I'm not trying to defend him. Not in the least, because he sounds like he's given up. All I'm trying to do is give an idea of where his head might be to help you talk to him so he'll hear.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
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  6. #106
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    Quote Originally Posted by naiadknight View Post
    Speaking from (kinda) the other side of the fence: I have held 6 jobs in the past not quite 5 years. Two, I did walk away from (but not before having something else lined up.) Three of them, I was fired or laid off, and ended up on unemployment each time. It's hard knowing you should pull your weight, but can't. You get snippy and grumpy. After long enough on unemployment, you get reclusive, because F- it, no one wants you so why bother. (I kept trying because unemployment was a nonoption for me.) When you're working a dead end job to make ends meet because it's the only option, it's almost as bad. On really bad days, you WANT them to fire you, if for no other reason than you won't hafta work in hell anymore.
    I'm not trying to defend him. Not in the least, because he sounds like he's given up. All I'm trying to do is give an idea of where his head might be to help you talk to him so he'll hear.
    Thank you for reminding me of this insight. I feel his frustration. I really do. I have been applying for jobs with a good job and a good resume and work history and not getting anywhere. I think my issue is that no matter what I suggest in the way of just getting a stable, more steady job while looking for a career path role, he poo poos.

    I am planning to speak to him about my feelings this weekend. I want him to know that I am experiencing fear. I also plan to say that when he discusses leaving his job without having a new one after all we have gone through together in the financial department, that I am gobsmacked. That the thought that his anger towards his boss and a coworker is more important than the pain and hardship such a decision would make on our life and me, his loving and supportive wife, cuts me to the core.

    I cannot be his therapist because this issue in particular triggers a lot of emotions that I have spent YEARS of our marriage in therapy for myself. It is time for him to find a therapist, a resume writer, and a recruiter. I have played all of these roles and it has depleted my energy.

    I am calmer today. I can only discuss my feelings, make a few recommendations and be supportive. He must develop his personal path himself.

    Saw 228 this morning,k would love for it to stick since I have been yo-yoing 229-233. Just have to keep on the course.

  7. #107
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    I am glad you are feeling calmer. You seem it. What you described talking to your husband about is how I approached my fear of Boyfriend quitting the job he had over the summer. We came to an understanding of each other's views and he has made more of an effort to include me in this thinking about job-related ventures. I hope your husband will be receptive and willing to help come up with some kind of game plan so you can work through this together.
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  8. #108
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    It's so important to set boundaries, but equally important to be loving and supportive. The hard part is finding the balance between the two. You sound like you are in a good place - wanting to love and support and encourage - but not wanting to enable and take over. Good for you, Kymma!
    Read post #2626
    my motivation

    I'm doing this because I'm worth it - because I'm worthy - because I love myself.

    Goals: Healthy mind, healthy body, happy soul.

  9. #109
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    The catch up with the hubs is he saw I was upset all over my face. He asked me, I told him I was scared he would quit his job, he said that it wasn't going to happen, that he was venting, I told him to mention the venting part next time. Rolls eyes, men piss me off. I still hold that the best marriage would involve 2 houses next door to each other or a duplex.

    So anywho, I had 24 hours of debauchery yesterday. I llet all rules go for one day. I just ate crap. And you know what? I don[t feel guilty and I don't wish to continue. I just want to eat yummy food and it was ok, but not great. I feel ok about it. Let's see how re-engaging goes over the next few days and hopefully, this will be a win.

  10. #110
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    Before I got married I always thought it would be great to be married to a pilot, or someone who was out of town a lot. I still think that could work. Plan B is to have a place in the house that is your do not disturb zone. It can be a room or even a corner with a super comfy chair. If the weather is nice I have a hammock under our wood deck, no one ever thinks of it because you can't see it from inside the house, well even from outside unless you walk around the garage. If the weather is bad I have a corner of the basement that is my "studio" again you have to be deliberate to find me there, a bonus is that all my art and craft stuff is there.

    My 2BFF's and I always talk about buying a plot of land at the beach and build us each a small cottage. Then in the center have 2 little cottages. One as a common area, and one for a care giver (nurse). This way we could escape the hubbies by going to one of the other houses. this is for retirement by the way.
    Chris
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