new journal, hopefully of progress page 9

[Annieh]

Yum, katemary, I love asparagus.

[katemary]

man, I am being hit from all sides by various stress. Can I just have a couple of months of peace, geez my work is stressful enough. I woke up this morning and I could feel the pulse and the surge of anxiety, I thought, I need to sprint, scream, puke, smash a fist in a wall. I just can't catch a break, too many competing conflicting demands, people to keep happy. Coping with alcohol and sometimes crap food follows. Seriously thought this morning about possiility of having a stroke. Sigh, anyway been mostly primal but numbing anxiety, negative thinking and fear with alcohol, hope I can revert back soon.

I just want to cry and scream for a few days, drink to oblivion a few more, take a couple of months off work............and then despair at throwing away a good career, 7 yrs at uni and shitloads of hardwork. Its hard to win sometimes. I am exhausted...mentally.

[Annieh]

Hugs to you, katemary. Thinking of you today.

[katemary]

Thanks Annieh xx

[katemary]

Back to it.

B: large long black, boiled egg
L: grilled salmon and steamed cauli and brocc
D: my tuna bolognaise - onion, garlic, canned tomato (cherry this time, I like!), tuna and peas.

Supplement roll call:

Mornings - mutlivitamin, krill oil, liver tablets, telfast
Evenings - 5HTP, magnesium, liver tablets

[Annieh]

Mmm, grilled salmon for lunch. How luxurious this primal eating can be

[katemary]

I agree!

I just wish I knew what they grilled it in - hopefully the oil is from the fish!

Exercise:

Started convict conditioning programme

Wall push ups - step one - 10
Squats - tummy too big to do step 1 shoulderstand squats!! - step two, jackknife squats - 10
Vertical pulls - step one - 10...not sure I am "getting" this one
Knee tucks - step one - 10
Short bridges - step one - 10
wall handstand - havent tried.

[katemary]

B: large black coffee with coconut oil, boiled egg
L: salmon and avocado and a potato hash thing (baked not fried), large black coffee
D: lamb cutlets, baked with truss tomatoes and asparagus. Note to self - cooking time for asparagus not the same as for lamb!

felt I haven't had enough fat, so had 2 figs and apricot, choped up with double cream. Bleh - wish I didn't. what a waste of calories.

[katemary]

5HTP thoughts

I started it about 3 weeks ago when I was going through a pretty horrific time, emotionally, so I don't really have a baseline. My stress was starting to manifest in physical signs like waking with such anxiety, in my chest not my gut, that I had to throw up (or felt like going for a run, if I had the energy) and rashes were appearing and my eyes were swelling. So - bad time for baseline.

It is banned here, so limited info about its use. I started taking it in the morning for stress and appetite control, but after further research I have been taking 2 150mg at night. Great vivid dreams - its almost like I am watching in high definition and have a running commentary about it at the same time.

I am still dealing with a lot of stress at work and some personal revelations, but I think instead of reacting to everything like my whole being is a raw sore being constantly insulted, I notice something, get a fleeting appropriate emotion of annoyance, hatred, distaste or sadness, and just move on. Its weird.

I wish I was not in such a bad state when I started taking it, to have a true baseline, but for now, I think it helps anxiety and depression, not so sure about insomnia (but hot and humid, so unfair time to judge) and jury is out on the appetite suppression.

I have a big day tomorrow that may be challenging and will take some to work - happy to pop it half an hour before events turn.

anyway, so snapshot of my 5HTP experience so far.

[Ayla2010]

I hope things improve for you soon