Polyamoruous Love Sickness: Can This Be Primal? page

[LordPistacchio]

This is my first post and it will be rambling. I'm pretty sure I'm just venting to myself, but I also have some hope that I'm not alone.

Some background: I’m 44 and very happily married. Our marriage is no utopia, to be sure, but the companionship, conversation, sex…everything…is still supremely satisfying and still improving. I’ve also been Primal/Paleo-ish for 4 years and have the physique to match, so I get plenty of attention from women, often staggeringly attractive younger women. This makes it surprisingly easy to resist temptation because I just don’t feel I need that kind of validation. So, my intention is not to be boastful, but to make it clear that I’m not a typical candidate for midlife infidelity.

For 24 years I have been unflinchingly loyal to my wife and have no intention of ever compromising that. But something has changed.

Somehow, there is…Another Woman. A woman who I love as deeply and in the same way as my wife. I don’t love her “as a friend”, although she is a dear one. I don’t merely lust after her, though I could look at her face all day and, make no mistake, I think about it. All. The. Time. I can’t sleep, or concentrate. I have a constant lump in my throat. Hell, my blood pressure, which is usually on the low side, is waayy up (it’s almost “normal!”). I am in love with two women. I am in love with one of my wife's best friends. And I love my wife no less for it.

This is unbelievably uncomfortable in so many ways. I’m all kinds of depressed. But I’m wondering, if this is such a powerful feeling, is there an evolutionary reason for it, or am I just a perv? And, ladies, does this make me a bad man?

[jojohaligo]

I can't speak to the evolutionary aspect, since I haven't studied that.

I don't think your feelings make you a bad man or a perv. It depends what you do about your feelings that will make you "bad" or "good." And that also depends on how we define bad and good in our culture, and why they are defined that way...

At the very least (and I am sure that there will be varying opinions on this) I think if you intend on acting on your feelings of love/lust for this other woman that you owe your wife some honesty, since she is the one you have made a public commitment to.

[Daemonized]

Primal or not primal it's perfectly natural to feel that way. The first question on your wife's lips won't be "Is this primal or not?" if she finds out about your situation the wrong way. I think that if she's friends with your wife then there is no way if you cross the line that she won't find out at some point.

[LordPistacchio]

...At the very least (and I am sure that there will be varying opinions on this) I think if you intend on acting on your feelings of love/lust for this other woman that you owe your wife some honesty, since she is the one you have made a public commitment to.

Primal or not primal it's perfectly natural to feel that way. The first question on your wife's lips won't be "Is this primal or not?" if she finds out about your situation the wrong way. I think that if she's friends with your wife then there is no way if you cross the line that she won't find out at some point.

I don't intend to cross any lines. I respect both women, and their friendship, too much. But the Other Woman is very close, both geographically and emotionally. And we sometimes drink together. In front of the firepit. I've been avoiding those situations lately.

Mostly I'm just stunned that the feelings for both can be so strong at the same time. What's left of the Midwestern Catholic in me has a hard time believing it's possible. Shouldn't there be something substantially "wrong" with my marriage for me to want something other than sex (or simple friendship) from another woman?

[mostofthetime7]

I don't intend to cross any lines. I respect both women, and their friendship, too much. But the Other Woman is very close, both geographically and emotionally. And we sometimes drink together. In front of the firepit. I've been avoiding those situations lately.

Mostly I'm just stunned that the feelings for both can be so strong at the same time. What's left of the Midwestern Catholic in me has a hard time believing it's possible. Shouldn't there be something substantially "wrong" with my marriage for me to want something other than sex (or simple friendship) from another woman?

Nothing more primal then spreading your seed.

[Daemonized]

IMostly I'm just stunned that the feelings for both can be so strong at the same time. What's left of the Midwestern Catholic in me has a hard time believing it's possible. Shouldn't there be something substantially "wrong" with my marriage for me to want something other than sex (or simple friendship) from another woman?

No, there doesn't have to be something wrong to feel something for someone else. Love is a chemicaly driven emotion that we feel not a everlasting all conquering magical force that's then elevated to invincible by a ceremony in a church followed by a vacation.

[LordPistacchio]

Nothing more primal then spreading your seed.

If only it were simple lust. I'm perfectly willing to emulate seed-spreading...by myself

No, there doesn't have to be something wrong to feel something for someone else. Love is a chemicaly driven emotion that we feel not a everlasting all conquering magical force that's then elevated to invincible by a ceremony in a church followed by a vacation.

I understand what you're saying. It's just that what I have with my wife still feels everlasting and all-conquering. The only time I stop being lovesick for Other Woman is when I'm alone with my wife. Hell, maybe I'm just a reincarnated Mormon.

[namelesswonder]

Mormonism does not condone plural marriage anymore. "Officially" not since the late 19th century.

What are you asking here? I think you need to talk to your wife. If you have really made a commitment to her, it would not be fair for you to even consider acting on your feelings for Other Woman without consulting her. But that's just how I feel about it. Personally, it would be soul-crushing to find out that my man felt that way about another woman, even IF he felt that way about me as well. But it is natural, we're just taught that it's wrong.

[Daemonized]

I would disagree. Don't talk to your wife about it unless you plan on making changes in your marriage that effect her. You could cause more damage than you would be fixing. Just know that it's natural and okay to feel attraction to other women and accept and deal with it.

[LordPistacchio]

I hope I've made it clear, and if not I'll say it again, I have no intention of acting on this.

But namelesswonder, I think you understand the implied issue and it's why I'm putting this in front of complete strangers. I can't tell my wife because she would, indeed, be crushed. Although she knows their's a "special bond", She's someone who's certain of only a few things: the sun comes up in the East, we're all gonna die and her husband is always loyal. Other Woman knows and feels similarly, but is equally at a loss - aaannnd equally married (although her husband's a clueless douche and no one involved really cares what he thinks. ever.)

I fully understand that no one can really help me. I just want the mental anguish to go away without having to resort to isolating myself from Other Woman, who is an old and dear friend.