Polyamoruous Love Sickness: Can This Be Primal? page 7

[HotRodKristina]

Been there, done that. Realized after the damage was done that it was because I was unhappy.

The emotional affair turned 'love affair' left me dried up and even worse off than before. It took me a long time to come to terms with 1. ruining my first marriage (even though things were not good by any means) and 2. being used up - used up to make someone else who was unhappy make themselves feel better about themselves.

Sure it's love? Not just lust? Not just because something is lacking in your marriage? Sure her attraction isn't because she needs someone to make her feel better?

Get counseling, or better yet, start some meditation and serious introspection as to what's going on in your head/life/marriage to make you feel this way.

[Uncephalized]

You were hoping though. And that she says her feelings are similar means... you are playing with fire here.

You are posting to a bunch of strangers, and telling us that you've got kindling spread throughout your living room, and you soaked it in gasoline, and you've lit a match, but you would NEVER actually burn your house down.

This is teenage girl stuff: that the feelings are overwhelming and you're just "swept away" by it all. You can't help yourself. I can see the same drama on an episode of the Vampire Diaries.

And just like a teenage girl who gets "swept away" by her feelings, you're in serious danger of ruining your life.

You will badly hurt your wife, you will hurt your children, you will hurt the OW's children and you'll wind up alone anyways. Cause if the OW has a lick of sense, she doesn't want another cheating bastard in her life, so starting a relationship there is pretty much going to doom it.

So... put the damned matches down... or let yourself be swept away because you couldn't help it.

I was all ready to get all indignant on OP's behalf, and then I thought about it some more, and remembered some girls I knew in high school and college, and then I thought some more about the story the OP is telling, and then I realized that this person named jpatti seems like she is pretty smart and might understand pretty well what is going on here...

[Jer37208]

good god, "odds and ends" is turning into a real soap opera lately.

you know that we endeavor to eat like cavemen, not act, look or justify our lives by them?

[badgergirl]

I was all ready to get all indignant on OP's behalf, and then I thought about it some more, and remembered some girls I knew in high school and college, and then I thought some more about the story the OP is telling, and then I realized that this person named jpatti seems like she is pretty smart and might understand pretty well what is going on here...

Maybe. Maybe very, very accurate. But also we should remember how amazingly awesome it was to feel ALIVE and passionate and have FEELINGS when we were teenagers. I think to gain back some of that intensity in an otherwise humdrum existence would be pretty intoxicating and addictive. Perhaps I'm projecting, but I feel sympathy for the OP. He's trying to be ethical and respectful in a situation where his emotions are driving the bus. It feels real, hyper-real to him.

[LordPistacchio]

OK, in an effort to make this less of a soap opera and more relevant to MDA, I'm wondering why, if the seed-spreading theory is the primal motivator here, why all the emotional baggage?

There are many women I could screw with no strings attached. Really, hooking up is effortless these days and the most attractive women seem the most eager. If sex with OW were the destination, I'm sure taking the long way around.

So assuming I'm not that unique, what, in a primal/tribal setting, would be the reason for such strong feelings of attachment for multiple women? If there's not a "reason" for a man to have these feelings, they wouldn't exist.

There is an update to the soap opera part as well. Turns out wife has known all along and understands more than I expected.

[Pebbles67]

Holy Crap! You told her? Brave man.

I wanted to tell you that you are not alone and that this is not just a male thing. (sorry ladies) I am in a similar situation. I have been married for 19 yrs. We have a good life, but there is a lot of up and down history. In 2010 I nearly died from pulmonary emboli. The incident strengthened my marriage, but also changed me. Due to that and being Primal, I am so much more alive now than I was before. It is hard to explain. I "feel" attracted to several men in my life and am enjoying the attention. One man in particular has touched my heart. He is a dear friend from my gym who also had a near death experience at a young age. Our deep conversations about life and death have led to even deeper feelings for each other. Having said that, we flirt, but we both know where I stand on the cheating issue.

Just know, I totally "get" where you are coming from.

[magnolia1973]

There is an update to the soap opera part as well. Turns out wife has known all along and understands more than I expected.

Your wife is great to be so understanding.

[Credodisi]

So assuming I'm not that unique, what, in a primal/tribal setting, would be the reason for such strong feelings of attachment for multiple women? If there's not a "reason" for a man to have these feelings, they wouldn't exist.

I don't know that it makes sense to try to figure out all logical reasons for the vast array of human emotions.. but I'll take a shot here. This woman, being such close friends with you and your wife, is part of your tribe/your family. Part of the love you feel for her is the natural extension of your caring and concern. But there is a romantic element here too.. because she is attractive (i assume) and a woman and this sort of thing often stems from being in close interactions over time with the opposite sex.

I don't think anything here is really surprising. Very dangerous to your longterm happiness though. Don't assume this won't destroy your marriage, even if you do not have sex with this woman.

[BestBetter]

I think that that is a meme that serves to minimise female sexuality.

It may or may not be true. I don't think it is.

Word. It's simultaneously insulting to women that they have lesser sexdrives and/or that having a slower sex-drive is necessarily a good thing.

It's also insulting to men that we'd be stupid enough to believe it.

I don't want to turn this thread into a debate or an argument, however, i do need to clarify that I NEVER implied that women have lower sex drives. In fact, I've posted multiple times on other threads that I, personally, have an incredibly high sex drive. However, I personally am not driven to satiate that desire with multiple partners, as is MORE COMMON for men.

I've read quite a few scientific papers over the years on the differences in reproductive and sexual psychology between men and women (something I'm really interested in). This isn't me plucking an idea out of my ass, it's a pretty well researched and studied area. No, not ALL women or ALL women fit this pattern, but it is a generality that applies to many.

[SarahW]

I don't think humans are gorillas.

Sex at Dawn | Melissa McEwen on food anthropology, economics, and culture

And we seem to have some biological reasons for monogamy: Semen during pregnancy | Melissa McEwen on food anthropology, economics, and culture

In other words, I don't really believe the whole "men are made to be promiscuous and women aren't" argument. It may be biologically feasible, but we're searching for optimal, and what our ancestors found out to be the best through a long time of trial and error.

I still think you're scaring yourself too much. Have you never been "just friends" with a girl before in your life?