Polyamoruous Love Sickness: Can This Be Primal? page 5

[LordPistacchio]

I have to admit I've received far more constructive advice than I expected and will make an appointment with my counselor. I'm grateful to all who responded both on the forum and privately.

I'll do what's best for my family in the end.

[badgergirl]

Well since you told OW you are now in a REAL pickle because now you, loving husband, and she, best friend forever, are CONSPIRING TOGETHER against your probably-not-totally-oblivious wife. This is bad news bears, indeed. You won't be able to maintain this tight rope walk forever.

My question to you is this... since this woman IS your wife's best friend... and yes this may be wildly out there but! Is there any chance your wife and other woman would consider... you know... polyamory? I mean is this something that you all would be open minded enough to try? For some people, this is a very maintainable life style. I tried it myself, and I personally didn't care for it because I am high maintenance as heck and require way too much direct attention. For some people though, it really can work, and can be a secure, deep, loving relationship for all involved.

This does not mean they MUST have sex, but, let's be real, that they would enjoy each other in that way, with or without you as well, would be ideal (in my delightful open mind, anyway :P). But even if their love remained non sexual, or was only sexually acted upon by making a LordPostacchio sandwhich, there could be something there. This of course all revolves around the relationship these women have, their open mindedness, their sexuality, etc.

I think this might be a realistic option *if* the friendship was new or the marriage was new, but switching it up like this after 20+ years of marriage (and how many years of friendship?). I'm doubtful.

My own experience of polyamoury was both intensely wonderful and intensely destabilising. To make it work in an equal way - rather than a religious fundamentalist whackjob way - everyone involved has to be way better at communicating than a usual two-way relationship requires. It's a huge amount of work. Not impossible, by any means, but probably not possible for the OP, his wife and the OW/best friend.

[LordPistacchio]

qqemokitty,

I'm aware of schmucky this can seem but there is no conspiracy. It was just two friends who talk ending up somewhere unexpected.

OW would be very open to polyamory and would very much like to enter a relationship with me AND my wife. My wife? Just, no.

[qqemokitty]

It is not a conspiracy to you, but I have no doubt that your wife would see it otherwise.

Emotional attachment to another woman? Strike one
Her best friend? Strike two
Telling that woman before telling the wife: Strike three, doghouse.

Heh.

I hope the counseling helps, good luck!!!! <3

[Louisa655]

First off, I want to say that I think what you are going through is perfectly normal human feeling, and that it's nothing to be ashamed of, and I don't think you've done anything wrong. You can't stop yourself from falling in love with someone. It's not under your control, and the fact that you are clearly struggling to find the correct way to behave in order to avoid hurting anyone you love is admirable and honorable.

That said, you've got a few options here, the way I see it.

1) The status quo. Continue denying yourself, don't act on your feelings, and keep seeing Other Woman (OW) in a friendly capacity. In this scenario you run the serious risk of cheating on your wife at some point even if you don't really intend to--assuming your attraction is reciprocated--with all the consequences.

2) The illicit affair. Cheat on your wife with OW. Obviously this is not a good option since you'd be betraying your wife's trust and hurting her very badly if she finds out. And, you run a serious risk of hurting OW as well if she wants to be your only partner and you're not willing to leave your wife, which you clearly don't want to do. But it is of course an option that is available and as such needs to be considered, if only to be discounted.

3) The straight and narrow. Tell your wife how you feel about OW, and ask her to help you sort the situation out. Here of course the consequences depend heavily on how understanding, open-minded and prone to jealousy your wife is, and how diplomatic you are. This is probably the most honorable option IMO, but it is obviously fraught with peril. The consequences could range anywhere from your wife leaving you, to your wife telling you she doesn't want you to see OW anymore, to the one in a million chance of your wife being OK with entering a polyamorous relationship with OW, to the significantly more likely chance of your wife being OK with you having a discreet side relationship with OW as long as you don't leave or neglect her (and any children--not clear on whether you have any). Neither of those last two is particularly likely, though. And of course there's always the chance that your wife could say she's OK with it but would actually come to resent the situation deeply. This one is very up in the air depending on everyone's personalities.

4) The tactical retreat. Don't tell your wife, but stop seeing OW entirely. Obviously this is more or less feasible depending on how exactly you know OW. You mentioned she is your wife's good friend so this may not be possible. If it is, though, it would be a good chance to see if your feelings cool with distance and perspective, or whether they remain undeniable in her absence, and then you might be better-equipped to proceed, having learned a little more about yourself.

I wish I could give you wise advice on which course is best but ultimately that's up to you, your wife and OW. I would advise against straight-up cheating, though. I want to tell you to come clean with your wife and let the cards fall where they will, but that's easy to say when it's not my marriage on the line.

Best of luck, friend.

Option 5: Both women are attracted to each other, leaving male husband out of the equation. 'Buyer Beware'

[kenn]

Option 5: Both women are attracted to each other, leaving male husband out of the equation. 'Buyer Beware'

The real conspiracy!!

[JudyCr]

Would it bother you if say a new guy on the block showed interest, friendly interest, in your wife and they struck up a tight relationship where they had serious conversations like yours with OW?

[LordPistacchio]

Honestly? Yes.

Double standard? Yes.

In my defense, my wife has been slightly less faithful than I (but it was when we were dating).

[jojohaligo]

I didn't expect it to be reciprocated.

I'm not sure I buy this. Not that it matters.

[badgergirl]

Honestly? Yes.

Double standard? Yes.

In my defense, my wife has been slightly less faithful than I (but it was when we were dating).

You, my friend, are not suited to polyamoury. Go talk with your counsellor and work your way through this. I can see why OW is attracted to you, but I think you (and therefore we) are less clear on why she's catnip to you. My hunch is that she's giving you the chance to be a hero/rescuer. Perhaps your wife is strong and sorted and doesn't require that from you? Look for the whys and this thing will be easier to work through.

That said, at this stage, all options are going to hurt and involve some form of loss. (Sorry) But I think you knew that.