So... your wife is pretty, nice, understanding, runs a good household, drama free, and loves to screw?
And you enjoy her company, screwing her, her appearance, how the household runs?
Tell the OW in no uncertain that things are over unless you want drama in your life. I have actually figured out my husband likes a bit of drama. I hate drama. He loves it and creates it without admitting it. He claims to hate drama, but he jumps right in. I suggest for the sake of your wife, that you find drama somewhere else. Stir the pot at work or at the gym or whatever.
It takes two to tango- yeah, the OW may not be perfect, but our poster had a role in this too.this. the OW is evil. she should be uncomfortable with this situation. she's being a terrible friend to your wife. if you sleep with her, she gets an out, screws your wife/her friend over, and destroys life as you know it. if you don't, you get tortured by this whatever-it-is situation, and eventually something will have to give.
We should all read "The Female Brain" and "The Male Brain" and start a new thread.
Really quite interesting. I am half way through the Female version. It is science based, and gives quite an insight into gender behavior. We really are different.
Start date: 7-5-12
GOAL: to live to be a healthy and active 100
"In health there is freedom. Health is the first of all liberties."
Henri Frederic Amiel
...and that's being dishonest. I let it go too far before I was willing to see what was happening. So, magnolia1973, I don't really like what you're saying because it's the truth. Maybe I was even the lead in this dance, and despite what I tell myself and everyone else, I'm a pig who preys upon emotionally vulnerable women. I don't want to believe that, but it's intriguing that no one has taken OW's side in this.
It's not what I'm saying- maybe neither of you were evil assholes. But saying other posters saying "oh, the OW is the problem"... well, not so much. I don't know, I wasn't there. I do know my husband TO THIS DAY, blames the OW for his cheating, right down to the "saving her from a real asshole". Well, he didn't have to fuck her, he could have just given her advice. The "knight in shining armor saving the (now manipulative, evil) damsel in distress" is dubious....and that's being dishonest. I let it go too far before I was willing to see what was happening. So, magnolia1973, I don't really like what you're saying because it's the truth. Maybe I was even the lead in this dance, and despite what I tell myself and everyone else, I'm a pig who preys upon emotionally vulnerable women. I don't want to believe that, but it's intriguing that no one has taken OW's side in this.
I don't think you are an asshole for falling in love with two people. The asshole only starts when you start to blame the affair on anyone but yourself- the OW, her husband or your wife. (*please note I have not seen you do this, just read other posts of the OW being evil.... hell, we don't even know her).
my b/f and i have been together for 10 years. for the first 5 of those, i WAS the ow. however, unlike the op, his marriage was in toxic tatters before i came along. (i was not his first infidelity, but all the others had just been very short flings.) through what was an intensely selfish beginning we have built something we feel bullet-proof for the long haul. it's a very secure thing to be loved unconditionally. it sounds to me the wife is offering that to the op. it's rare, my friend. don't squander it.
eta: my b/f and i admit we were parties to a very bad thing. we hurt his wife, his children and his family. his ex-wife takes no personal culpability at all in the breakdown of their marriage. to this day, it remains all his fault.
i have also been on the receiving end of unfaithfulness.... in all honesty, for me, it was the lying that broke things, not the f*cking.
so i think i can see most sides here.
but there is no "side" to take nor defend in this saga. the op allowed himself to drift into fantasy and a bit of knight-in-shining-armor do-goodery. but by confiding in ow, and not his wife, he did commit some emotional betrayal. the ow seemingly encouraged the op, even though she is bff's with the wife. her self-loathing won't allow her to think through and realize her actions may cause harm to those around her, not just herself. she's been hurting herself for years and it only makes for self-centered behaviors. she married and took back a douchebag. fool me once, shame on me -- fool me twice, ya know? only she can change this pattern of behaviors. it doesn't come by the lopsided example the op tried to pretend he was giving.
it was very brave to have this conversation with your wife and she sounds incredibly loving. make sure you continue to deserve that. what does she have to say about her friend? is it possible they had discussed this little emotional dalliance before you came forward?
Last edited by noodletoy; 10-11-2012 at 08:13 AM.
As I ate the oysters with their strong taste of the sea and their faint metallic taste that the cold white wine washed away, leaving only the sea taste and the succulent texture, and as I drank their cold liquid from each shell and washed it down with the crisp taste of the wine, I lost the empty feeling and began to be happy and to make plans.
– Ernest Hemingway