Help for Anger and Stress Managment page

[Goosejuggler]

I'd love you knowledgable folk to help me out with the BF.

He is primal with me, and he used to be very moody, mainly caused by huge bowls of pasta/museli everyday. Since he gave it all up, he's less tired and generally happier.

But he gets really angry and frustrated with some situations (esp. driving), when things are harder than he wants them to be, or when things don't go his way. His anger snowballs and he almost gets blinded by his frustrations, nothing I can do or say will calm him down. Take for instance this morning, when he was loading things into the car. They wouldn't fit properly so he starting shoving them in, and got knocked in the face. Then he complained about stomach pains after, because he got so wound up.

Not only is this upsetting for me, but I'm worried that he will injure himself, and I'm worried that this could end up in long term damage (stomach ulcers, stress related diseases).

I would love some guidance on this, be it with regards to diet, or mental help. Thanks!

[primalrob]

is he aware of these issues? if not, it might be a good idea to bring them up gently when he's in a good mood. help him look at it from a primal perspective...that so much anger and tension can do damage to the body.

once he's aware of it, you both can work to find ways to make it go away, but it should probably be mostly on his terms. maybe he just needs a few minutes alone, or maybe he needs to vent, or maybe doing a round of push ups will dissipate the anger. he needs to figure out what works for him. then, you just need to point out to him when you notice him starting to get angry, and redirect him to whatever it is he decided will help calm him down.
that's not always going to work, but it will from time to time, and that's how you get started dealing with it completely.

also, obviously, i hope you know that if his anger is directed at you in any abusive way--either physically or verbally--you need to get the hell out of there.

[kitana]

Teh husband and I both have our moments. They are rare, but still... When it happens I calmly walk away. He needs to deal with whatever it is and it's better if I'm not there to aggravate it. I also don't need him getting me stressed out. It's not OK to make your loved ones clean up your emotional diarreah. When it's me that's frustrated, I just ask him to give me a little space to work it out. He/I come back in 15-20 minutes and expect that the other will have figured it out. Generally it doesn't go on that long. We're both problem solvers and once we get to examining the root of our frustration the negativity goes away.

For the most part though we try not to get to that point. It solves nothing, usually makes things worse, and is ridiculously inefficient. Far better to brainstorm together and get it solved and move on. Then you have that sweet, intimate glow of having kicked some butt together. Plus it's nice having a partner who you can turn to, not turn against.

There's nothing less sexy than dating a 2-year old.

I'd disengage when he gets in his snits, and let him know you'll be back when he has himself under control. He's a big boy, he can figure it out and you need to accept that you're not helping him when you try to appease him. A therapist could help you a bit more specifically, and it's not a bad idea for at least you to see one. They can help you not react to him in a way that will not perpetuate a negative pattern of behavior.

[Chorlton]

Stress got so bad for me a few years back that they called an ambulance out because it was thought I was having a heart attack! Every time my kids came back from school and made a lot of noise my throat would constrict and heart race. I have chased door to door salesman down the street threatening violence. (this last one I feel is quite understandable under stress or not! hhh!)

A bodyworker who was trying to help me with spiralling physical issues caused almost certainly by the chronic stress told me I was "living in my head" and to get some instruction in meditation.

I just got some book or another and did 30mins a day and within a month I'd seen such a dramatic improvement in my stress levels that I decided to go the full whack and do a serious 10day silent retreat (for free!) in vipassana meditation. After that first course I had all the tools I needed. I have been on 4 more since and am meditating 2 to 3hrs a day.

Your BF may well not wish to take it up that seriously, but a free 10day course (links below) will give him all the tools he needs to not just "manage" stress, but to eliminate it.

Do I still get stressed? Sure, but only in extreme circumstances and it is a fleeting, passing thing. Angry? Absolutely, but it does not "boil" and escalate anymore. It comes, then it passes. Mostly unnoticed by others.

Links:

International Meditation Centre (my preferred place)
Goenka Meditation Courses (same tradition, different teacher)

Yes it's buddhist stuff. If he has any qualms about that, remind him that the buddhists have been developing this technology for 2500yrs and have gotten pretty damn good at it. No new age happy clappy mumbo jumbo stuff, just proper insight into how your mind and body work.

Good luck

[bloodorchid]

when he gets pissy, give him space. if he gets aggressive with you, gtfo. that goes without saying.

i have some anger issues. when something sets me off, i do things aggressively; walk, talk, drive, slam doors, whatever. if i had a punching bag i'd probably kill it, since i don't, i make loud noises which makes the anger bleed off. i stay away from people because having to 'act polite' makes it worse

he needs to learn some coping mechanisms. it's easier not to, but if he wants your relationship to be smooth sailing he'll need to man up

[Goosejuggler]

Thanks for your replies.

He is aware of how angry he gets, and how it affects me. The anger is never directed at me, only ever at inanimate objects around him, so I never feel scared/threatened etc, only angry!

You guys raise two really valid points: him finding coping mechanisms and me disengaging from the situation. I'll speak to him about mediation, and about how I should deal with the situation.

His dad is exactly the same (worse!) and had a heart attack last year. I really worry for his long term physical and metal health if he carries on like this.

[sbhikes]

I have this exact same problem with my partner. What kitana said is spot on. I disengage. I get the heck out of the situation. If I'm trapped in the car, I completely cease all conversation and just look out the window or read or something. I never try to help solve the situation because at that level of frustration you turn yourself into the target if you try to be helpful. I have to admit that it's gotten bad enough often enough that I'm on the verge of ending the relationship. The only thing that keeps me hanging on is that a few years ago he was laid off and during that period of unemployment, the stress evaporated and he was so happy and so pleasant. He smiled all the time. He was a pleasure to be around. At the end of this year he will meet the qualifications to go on my employer's health insurance. If he will accept doing that, he can retire. If he doesn't do it, I think I will leave him. I really can't take it anymore.