Jena's Journal... page

[Jena]

So, my journal. A LOT of this will probably not be about my primal lifestyle, but I am in the mood to get some shit out, so here it goes.

I was riding in my friend's car in May this year. She lives a couple hours away, but she was in town with her little one to spend some time with me. Anyway, we go through the McDonald's drive through to get some beverages, me a small coke and a large iced tea (I have this weird habbit of needing several varieties of drinks at once), her an iced coffee, black. I asked her how in the hell she could drink it like that and she had mentioned that she was off dairy, sugar, and grains. As the day progressed and we dinked around town, stopped to see her mom and drop the kid off, stopped to have some drinks, etc... we talked more about it. She wrote down probably the single most valuable url I have ever typed in <marksdailyapple.com> we had some more cocktails, went to my surprise dinner, which is apparently why she was in town, oh it was because I got my Associate's Degree a few days earlier, and then she took me home and left to go back home. I didn' t think about the paper she had written the web address on again until it fell out of my wallet a week later. I downloaded the free ebook and began my journey.

Everyone was quite supportive, but I could see in their eyes that they didn't really buy the "no grains" thing... that and I don't think that anyone thought I could stick with it. It bothered me, but what I was reading and learning just made so much sense that I couldn't not do it. I couldn't go back to filling my body with food that has no nutritional value and continue to wonder why I was fat. So, I stuck with it. I felt great the first week... really great! Then I started to feel not as great, but still pretty good. Certainly better than when I was on the CW diet. I lost some weight. 21ish lbs so far. A few weeks in I joined this forum and I am eternally greatful that I did. I reached out and asked for help from people and a few very kind individuals messaged with me and got me through the rough patches this summer. Even if they didn't say much, it was just having someone to talk to about this stuff. I have amazing friends, but they all have careers and babies, and husbands... and lets face it, there is nothing worse than hearing about someone else's diet. For some reason I find it easier to talk to strangers lately than my friends. This is nothing that they did, nor is it their fault, but I am just going through a lot of changes. I have never been good at changes. Don't get me wrong, I love it! But loving something does not mean it isn't difficult (lol or someone for that matter)!

Other changes... I have been on Zoloft and Klonopin for the last 10ish years... I stopped taking it over three weeks ago. I cold-turkeyed it which was a bad idea, but now that the withdrawl period is over I feel great! I feel like I am free, finally free of all prescriptions!!! I thought that was the best thing (and hardest) that I could do right now. I was wrong. This is... yesterday I smoked my last cigarette. I have smoked since I was 15 years old, that's 17 years now. I never thought I would quit. Most people might say that I haven't really quit until I have been clean 2 weeks, 1 year, 6 months... whatever. I don't care if you put out your last smoke 20 minutes ago, if it truly was your last one... you are a non-smoker. That's what I am now. I am not going to lie. Yesterday was easy, today was easy, tonight I got a little emotional and its less easy. One of my best friends just had a baby last week. This is a friend of 20 plus years. I love her. I know she will be an amazing mom. She was the one that I thought would never have kids, the one that would never get married. Well I don't know that they will ever get married, but something about her pregnancy and having a baby makes me an emotional wreck! I just start crying. When I found out she was pregnant I started bawling, like a moron... in the middle of a restaurant! She wasn't there, I found out 2nd hand, thank goodness, I wouldn't want her to take it the wrong way! It took everything in me not to cry every time I saw her after that, and just now I got off the phone with our mutual friend and it took everything in me not to cry like a little bitch after just talking ABOUT my other friend and her baby. I think the emotional response is a mix of jealousy and abandonment. So now I am in this whole thing where I am afraid that part of me wants a kid. Which is probably true, but I am in no place emotionally, financially, or relationship-ally to do so. I have a few years sure, but I have a feeling I will be single for the rest of my life. And part of me is okay with that too.

So I am not getting anywhere in the relationship department. Now ALL of my friends are married, well all but two, but they are in relationships. All but one have a kid... and here I am. So, I don't have any of that stuff to focus on, so I have been working really hard on me lately. Which is awesome. I have made changes that I have only thought of before as distant "someday" things. Graduated college, got off all meds, started driving again after seven years (long, long, long story and I come off really badly in it so lets skip it for now), lost 21 lbs, quit smoking... I mean four months ago I could not say any of those things. Not one. So I have done pretty well for myself, but I am not satisfied. I am aiming to, realistically, lose about 50 more pounds at which point I think I will be very happy with my body... trust me that is me still being overweight. I have always carried my weight very well, so I don't think some generic number made up to slap on a governmental chart means too much. I am just guessing by what I looked like when I was around this weight last time. I looked great... I got endless attention from guys, felt comfortable in any clothing (more importantly out of any clothing), and when I look at clothes I wore back then I am excited to wear them again someday. I'm not in a hurry. I am not a big exercise person. I do want to do more, but that's just another change I get to make That is one of the big reasons I quit smoking... I want to be able to exercise more! I get so short of energy and breath that its not really fun. Ugh... where was I going with that... oh, yes, want to lose 50 more lbs, find a new job, oh god please soon let me find a new job... I don't even know if I can muster up the strength to send out another resume that I know will just end up in the delete file. Yes, of course I will still keep looking and in the meantime I am looking to travel at my current job, unless I find something else soon, to open new stores. Not exactly what I want, but I hear it pays fairly well and its free traveling. That's really it... 50 more lbs and a better job. Lol, after the last few months that sounds pretty simple actually.

Oh, and a haircut and color, but I don't have the extra $100 to spare at the moment.

A few other tidbits I have learned on my primal journey:

• Bread is gross.
• Sugar is still good, but not good enough to sacrifice my health for.
• Sweet potatos are da bomb!
• I still hate exercise, except swimming, but I am working on it.
• Eggplant lasagna is just as good as the noodle version.
• Spaghetti squash with meat sauce is not quite as good as regular pasta, but its still hella good.
• Ribeyes are my, by far, favorite food. I have about 1 per week and I swear it keeps me full for 2 days sometimes.
• Chicken salad is way better wrapped in lettuce than bread or tortilla... same goes for taco fillings.
• When having an emotional breakdown and buy potato chips and dark chocolate to make chocolate covered pototo chips, don't... it wasn't even good. I am throwing away the rest of the chips saving the dark chocolate though. (Hey technically it was primal-ish, lol)... this was tonight btw.
• When you feel like you are slipping away get to doing something. I have babysat the same little girl since she was 8 months old, she is 6 now. She lives next door and her mom and I are like sisters. Strangely we are not really like friends, we are actually like sisters, but only became that way after I started watching the little one. Anyway, when I need to feel good about the world again and know that I am doing this stuff for a reason I just go play with my favorite little girl. Kids have a way of putting everything into perspective. I truly feel that they are the best thing in this whole world. Don't know that I want one, lol... but I love them endlessly.

Haha, I came in here and started this because I was all sad and blah... I feel better now

[Jena]

Man, the last few days have been rough. Really rough. Going through some really tough stuff right now and was so exhausted that I have been choosing convenience over quality as far as good goes. Two days. Today was it though. Getting through this crap will not be made any easier by, a. feeling sorry for myself, or b. eating crap. I need my body to be strong and clean eating will do that. It's amazing how life can change in a heartbeat and its amazing how being mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy can keep you prepared for all of it. Good and bad. The non smoking thing was going great, but I did slip yesterday and bummed one from a friend. I feel guilty, but all I can do about it now is not do that again!

[Paleobird]

Man, the last few days have been rough. Really rough. Going through some really tough stuff right now and was so exhausted that I have been choosing convenience over quality as far as good goes. Two days. Today was it though. Getting through this crap will not be made any easier by, a. feeling sorry for myself, or b. eating crap. I need my body to be strong and clean eating will do that. It's amazing how life can change in a heartbeat and its amazing how being mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy can keep you prepared for all of it. Good and bad. The non smoking thing was going great, but I did slip yesterday and bummed one from a friend. I feel guilty, but all I can do about it now is not do that again!

OK. It happened. Get back on that wagon and stay on it. You hear me? This matters. You are getting a poisonous substance out of your body. Stay strong. You can do this.

[Jena]

OK. It happened. Get back on that wagon and stay on it. You hear me? This matters. You are getting a poisonous substance out of your body. Stay strong. You can do this.

I know. This DOES matter! And I am doing it! Thanks

[Jena]

Well another lovely day of being smoke free. Well a craptastic day actually, but smoke free nonetheless. Life's going to be a bit rough for the next couple of weeks for personal reasons and if I can come out the other end of this still a non smoker I think I can do anything I probably won't have much to journal for a little bit.

[Paleobird]

There will never be a perfect stress free time to quit. Life always finds more for you to deal with and it is too easy to say I will quit when<stressful situation> is over. That never ends.

Just stay strong and know that there are a lot of people who are rooting for you.

[Jena]

Going strong... I just remind myself that a cigarette will not take away my problems and will add several others! I'll make it! Thanks so much for the support! It really helps

[Jena]

Another day smoke free, prescription free, and trying to be a better person. I weighed myself just now and it was the lowest that I have been yet! That makes 25 lbs lost . I am sure a lot of it is that I am too stressed out to eat much right now... but that's okay because I am a fat burner now! I have been in Ketosis now for a while and today was the first time that I noticed a faint body odor. Is there something I can do to counteract that? I don't really want to smell like a damn hippie. I don't really know much about Ketosis other than it makes my mouth taste like pennies, it seems to help me control my hunger, auto-correct says it should be capitalized, and it is achieved by eating VLC. Is this even something I should be doing? It wasn't intentional, it just kind of happened based on my food preferences. I do love sweet potatoes and some fruits... should I be getting more carbs daily? I have just been trying to throw in a high carb day every now and then...

[Jena]

Well, I'll be damned... some jeans I haven't squeezed my big butt into in over 4 years... yep, put 'em on this evening! Granted, they are a little tight, but definitely wearable! One of the few positives I have had in the last couple of rough weeks

[Jena]

Oh and still rocking the no smoking thing too!