Jena's Journal... page 6

[Jena]

Still struggling with wanting to eat meat that much. I did eat half of a steak though. And an avacado and some cheese. I must be coming down with something. Just not that hungry. I don't feel sick though. I suppose it will pass.

[Jena]

Well today was an odd day. I had a short shift at work and it didn't start until 6p.m. so I slept in until like 1 p.m. today! Which is good in a way I guess since I never get enough sleep. Still not much of an appetite. Just had some spaghetti today, sans the actual noodles of course. I will probably have a little snack before bed though. God knows when bed will be since I slept so late, but hopefully soon since I have to be back in the morning. Allowing myself a little cheat tomorrow. There is an art walk downtown and they have all sorts of complimentary snacks and wine and I have always been working and unable to go, so why not. Nothing can compare to the cheats of last weekend! It's funny how something as seemingly unimportant as diet could make you feel less close to someone you have known forever. I mean I guess it's a lot more than just diet, but its sad when you feel yourself growing apart from someone you have been friends with forever. Maybe it's just my skewed perception though... I have been stressed. Fortunately I have started feeling more like myself lately and I am seeing some light at the end of this stress tunnel!

[Jena]

Well I haven't updated in a week or so and I can't sleep, so I thought I would. I haven't really been eating much at all lately. I try to at least get a bit of protein every day, but I have just felt kind of sick to my stomach. I think that, a) I have been very stressed out, and b) I may have a mild stomach bug because I feel worse after eating. I have been eating meat and some potatoes. Veggies sound awful, meat too really, but I am trying. The only thing that has sounded good lately is potatoes... so that's what I've been eating. A little rice too. I'm going to quit though because I think it will make me gain weight. My friend had a similar stomach bug that she picked up from work and it lasted about 2 weeks, if this is the same thing I should be over it soon. Okay, big day tomorrow. I have to force myself to get some sleep!

[Jena]

Today... was a bad day on many levels. I proceeded to make it even worse by stuffing my face with nasty Chinese food. This is the first time in a really long time (years maybe) that I have eaten emotionally. Tomorrow I need to re-stock on healthy groceries and forget about today's awfulness. There was just no way I could deal with the grocery store today. I will now lay on the couch and mope until tomorrow. At which point I will get off my ass, eat good food, and try to be happy.

[Jena]

Well I cleaned it up today, at least compared to yesterday. I did go pretty heavy on the potatoes at breakfast, not that I am opposed to potatoes, but I am trying to cut back. That and I ate breakfast at the local greasy spoon, so I can only imagine what types of oils they are using. No pancakes or biscuits and gravy though, so I did okay. I ate dinner at my parents' house. I had a small pork chop, half a burger (plain, no bun of course), asparagus, and my one regret, some white rice. I don't think rice is all that bad, but it seemed to give me sugar cravings! Maybe that's just the emotional eating trying to come back. I've had a really rough couple of months. As bad as I can remember since I was about 19, but I was getting through it, doing much better. Then I woke up Saturday, yesterday I guess... it seems longer, and found my young (4) and seemingly healthy cat dead. I have no idea what happened, but I am just a mess about it. I am single, live alone, but never really felt alone until yesterday, and especially today. I just keep stepping over where his food bowl was, even though its not there, and keep seeing the empty spots where his stuff was (litter, toy basket, etc...) and I just die a little. I know it's a small thing compared to losing a family member or friend, but he was my family, at least in this apartment, and he was my friend. My heart is broken and it was already weakened and I just don't understand. I am so lucky in so many ways and I have a really good life. Parents that love me, some of the most awesome friends in the world, but I come home and I am alone. I may never meet anyone and I am not willing to settle for some loser (made that mistake before!) now I am robbed of even being the crazy cat lady damnit! I don't think I will ever be able to have another pet while I am single. I cannot be alone and find something like that again, ever. I completely panicked. I called my dad and he came over and took him to bury him in their yard. I don't know what I would've done had I not had my dad. That's my fear I guess, that eventually I will be all alone. No one to count on. I would not normally feel like this, but like I said its been a rough couple of months. I just feel so fragile which is a horrible feeling. I thought maybe I was being punished, but I do t really believe in that. I'm just so terrified that something else will happen and I won't be able to handle it. I mean I'm not going to be suicidal or anything g like that, I just mean I'm afraid I will fall back into what was easier. Stay at my current job, go back on anti-depressants, gain back the 30lbs, eat whatever's easy, start smoking again, drink 3 times (at least) per week, etc... basically go back 6 months in time. Except without being able to erase the shittyness of the last two months. No, okay. I realize this is not an option, I guess I just had to work it out in my head. My body hurts, I feel all stiff and bloated probably from the awful Chinese yesterday, my heart hurts, my soull hurts... I know that clean eating will help me much more than ice cream and that a walk will help me much more than getti g drunk, so that's what I will stick with, it just hurts. I'm just a little lost. Okay... not promising I won't have the best friend over to kill a bottle (or two) of wine, but will never go back to my old life. I can't. The best thing that is happening right now is that I have a second interview for a job (a good job, finally!) on Tuesday. I'm really excited, but its kind of been shut out by the sadness. And the nervousness! I'm so tired. I've been unable to sleep worth a damn for days, even before my cat died, I can't take sleeping pills and the lack of sleep seems like it makes it even harder to sleep. I have so much on my mind, so much more than I even put in this post, I just can't deal with it sometimes. I mean I know I will be okay. I never give up, I never completely shut down, but that makes it worse sometimes, lol. I swear I just want to lay in bed for a couple of months, stay with a friend or my parents, quit my job... what, some people do it! But I just don't have the "give up" gene I guess. Okay, if anyone actually read all of this bitching, wow, thanks... it doesn't matter I feel a little better just writing it out. I do have a private journal that I out my real secrets in, but its just more cathartic if I know it's out there where someone can see it.

[Louisa655]

But I just don't have the "give up" gene I guess. Okay, if anyone actually read all of this bitching, wow, thanks... it doesn't matter I feel a little better just writing it out. I do have a private journal that I out my real secrets in, but its just more cathartic if I know it's out there where someone can see it.

Really sorry about your kitty. Losing your little friend is extremely traumatic, particularly in the way that this happened -- so unexpectedly. Thankfully you've got a dad who loves you so much and you are able to 'lean in on him' when this happened.

Don't be so hard on yourself and try to get back to eating clean, healthy food. Rice and restaurant oils are terrible for you, and can make your emotions more out of control and that's likely what is happening to you right now. Try to focus on getting some restful sleep, healthy food and some nice long walks during the day. Try to remember that life is a pendulum == it swings to the left and it swings to the right. In other words, some days are better than others, and just when you think things are really bad, things turn around and something nice happens to you. :-)

Good to know that you have a personal journal....do you know that the most successful people in the world keep journals? It's a way of checking in with you inner self to make sure that you document all that is good in your life, and touch on some things that you might like to change in your life. Sounds as though you have the personality and characteristics of being one of those successful people.

I have recently started taking my blood/sugar readings and I was shocked to see how a little rice on my sushi yesterday affected my blood/sugar readings! Holy cow --- I'm not eating anymore rice --- even a few tablespoons took me right out of ketosis which resulted in me having a more emotional day. It's amazing how sensitive our little bodies can be to something as simple as rice or unhealthy oils.

Good luck with your job interview Tuesday ---- pull your beautiful, smart self together and show them what a great asset you will make to their organization. Life is short and it sounds as though you are climbing up the ladder of success --- put your butterflies and self-doubts in your pocket --- the world is waiting for you and you've got so much to offer!

Best to you! /Lu

[Jena]

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I will be fine, it's not something I can't get past, it's a lot if things that have happened recently and this was, definitely awful on its own, but also just one more thing. Thanks for encouraging my personal journal habits! I need it! I definitely slack on it sometimes, but I do feel that it is important and therapeutic. I hope to have a much happier primal journal entry soon

[Primal Primate]

I'm sorry for your loss. Keep in mind that it is always easier to see and focus on the bad, the stressful and that which you wish you could change or fix. Sometimes we get so preoccupied with the bad we miss all the good that is also taking place. Remember to celebrate the good, the positive (in a healthy way of course) while making it through the crap! Good luck on Tuesday!

[Jena]

I know... I'm trying to focus on the good, but I also have some grief to process. Not just from this loss specifically, I am realizing that if you don't deal with things right way they have a cumulative effect. I will deal with my pain in a healthy way though. I think that's the most important part. Thanks for your sympathy.

[Jena]

Well. Sad and sleepy, but unable to sleep. And since I have decided to try new things, food and otherwise, I am in the process of making kale chips for the first time. They sound awful, but I came across the kale in the grocery store tonight and thought what the hell. I don't know that they will come out edible, but I'm trying. I was going to attempt a one new thing per week kinda thing, but have just decided to try new things when I can. No schedule.