Page 13 of 25 FirstFirst ... 3111213141523 ... LastLast
Results 121 to 130 of 241

Thread: Jena's Journal... page 13

  1. #121
    badgergirl's Avatar
    badgergirl is online now Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    3,639
    Woah, stop being so hard on yourself.

    And, re your earlier posts, if you are in a state of constant flux, it must be very hard for the people around you to keep up - no wonder lots of people fall by the wayside, not many people/relationships can cope with change.

    Chin up, chuck. Things will get better. The caterpillar stays in one place eats and grows and changes loads, but eventually it turns into a butterfly that stays the same but gets to fly from plant to plant.
    My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread60211.html Into RPG table top games? Check out FateStorm and (in development) Vanguard! 3D printed miniatures for sci-fi RPGs.

  2. #122
    Jena's Avatar
    Jena is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    United States
    Posts
    480
    Quote Originally Posted by badgergirl View Post
    Woah, stop being so hard on yourself.

    And, re your earlier posts, if you are in a state of constant flux, it must be very hard for the people around you to keep up - no wonder lots of people fall by the wayside, not many people/relationships can cope with change.
    I know. I scare the shit out of people. They can't, nor do they want to keep up. I have close friends that know me and are used to me. They don't have to keep up because I keep my "happy face" on most of the time. When I am on here, which is basically anonymous I am just honest. And my honest is ugly. They don't fall by the wayside either. I do everything I can to shove them there so I can reinforce my sick distrust of men. Which seemingly has no roots, great relationship with my dad, sure there have been things over the years, but it seems I have always been this way. If someone wants me I assume they aren't good enough, if they don't then it makes me feel bad about me instead of them. I have no perspective on my life right now. This last one was bad. I fucked up a good friendship because I selfishly could not keep my deeper feelings to myself. This person did lead me on to an extent and is also messed up in his own way, but its mostly my fault. I should not have unburdened my heart to make myself feel better knowing the stress and headache it would cause him. On the other hand I couldn't keep my feelings to myself. I always do this, but this one was different. I feel that I ruined something that could've really enriched my life. I can't undo it, I can't change what I've done. I wouldn't anyway because it would just end up back in the same place. I'll move on, I'll get over it. I am sure I will continue to be crazy. I just have to do the work. More reading, more prioritizing, more exercise, more good food, no bad food. I was looking through this particular friends posts on another forum and found something that I think will help. The Eisenhower Decision Matrix: How to Distinguish Between Urgent and Important Tasks | The Art of Manliness Tomorrow its time to hit the books, hit fat, do all my reps, all my walking, and really make a budget and a plan. Shit happens, but I can't be a victim of my own life. I'm not a victim. I have survived unimaginable trauma, and now I actually wasted a day worrying about some stupid depression. It has been a rough few weeks, a lot of death, a lot of self analysis, fell in love with someone completely unavailable and completely unrealistic in every aspect, geographically, emotionally, personality-wise, everything... but I couldn't fight the feelings and I couldn't ignore them anymore. The only option is to end contact with someone that meant a great deal to me and that helped me more than anyone in the recent past. You can't have it both ways, and people like me are all or nothing and need everything explained and qualified. He couldn't do that. I don't blame him. It will be okay. I will carve my own path, guidance helps, but I can do this. I just wish things were different. They never are though. It's good to know I can still love at least. That's a plus I guess... I was beginning to wonder. My journal posts are usually, and may continue to be all over the place. Am I crazy? Yeah, maybe... but more than anything I just say exactly how I feel nearly every moment I feel it, which changes rapidly. I guess that's not a good thing for most people to be around. I have a book I would like to finish tomorrow. Then another that I am going to order off amazon if I can find it. I have so much to do. And all of it is to improve myself. I may not have a specific goal, well except to look good naked, and that pull-up, I want to do that fucking pull-up. That's good enough for now, hopefully the rest will fall into place. Thank God my feelings of love were not reciprocated... I would've ruined someone's life most likely. I realize now how selfish I was being. I'm sorry. Tonight, maybe some more tears, but then sleep, long... deep... sleep. Tomorrow, getting off my fucking pity pot and just doing it. Just doing it. One little step at a time.

  3. #123
    badgergirl's Avatar
    badgergirl is online now Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    3,639
    I will sit with your words for a while and think on what you're saying. I see some commonalities between where you are now and where I was before I met the husband (and also recently when I tried to have an affair - yeah, I'm nice like that). However, I'm cheering for you and lurking.
    My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread60211.html Into RPG table top games? Check out FateStorm and (in development) Vanguard! 3D printed miniatures for sci-fi RPGs.

  4. #124
    Jena's Avatar
    Jena is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    United States
    Posts
    480
    Quote Originally Posted by badgergirl View Post
    I will sit with your words for a while and think on what you're saying. I see some commonalities between where you are now and where I was before I met the husband (and also recently when I tried to have an affair - yeah, I'm nice like that). However, I'm cheering for you and lurking.
    Thank you, I would really appreciate your thoughts. I hope things worked out with the hubs, or not... if you didn't want them to. And don't be hard on yourself. No one is perfect. I can't imagine how hard marriage is. I can't imagine how hard commitment is. I've committed for months at a time, not years, well once for three years, but I didn't even love him looking back. I never cheated, but I wanted to in the loveless relationship. I am cheering for you too. It makes me feel good that you're lurking. Thanks for that.

  5. #125
    badgergirl's Avatar
    badgergirl is online now Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    3,639
    Hubster and I made it through* - it turns out that someone did think of the children: we have a son and a dog to protect.

    Chin up, you won't always feel the way you do now. You're being very strong and brave to look at yourself and your actions (two different things) with such an unflinching gaze. I'm sure you'll come out the other side even stronger.

    *Will have been married 11 years next week. Wheeee!
    My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread60211.html Into RPG table top games? Check out FateStorm and (in development) Vanguard! 3D printed miniatures for sci-fi RPGs.

  6. #126
    Jena's Avatar
    Jena is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    United States
    Posts
    480
    Thanks :') I am glad you guys worked things out. I slept and slept last night. I still woke up sad. Crying and getting ready for work don't mix, lol. I'll be okay. I sacrificed a food friendship to unburden my own heart. It wasn't worth it. I wish I could take it back.

  7. #127
    Jena's Avatar
    Jena is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    United States
    Posts
    480
    Tell me how to stop feeling. I feel like my insides at going to burst out. And I have 8 more hours of pretending its all okay. I want to feel nothing. No good no bad.

  8. #128
    Jena's Avatar
    Jena is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    United States
    Posts
    480
    Nope I made this mess. I've done the best I could to make peace with those I've hurt. I can't give up, I can't stop feeling. I need to get over it, get over myself, and hope one day I will be able to have a normal relationship with a man. Until then. I just have to suck up my heartache, my loneliness and shut up.

  9. #129
    badgergirl's Avatar
    badgergirl is online now Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    3,639
    Oh, lady. Sending thoughts your way.
    My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread60211.html Into RPG table top games? Check out FateStorm and (in development) Vanguard! 3D printed miniatures for sci-fi RPGs.

  10. #130
    Jena's Avatar
    Jena is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    United States
    Posts
    480
    Primal Blueprint Expert Certification
    Thanks... I'll make it.

Page 13 of 25 FirstFirst ... 3111213141523 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •