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  1. #111
    Jena's Avatar
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    Today my heart was hurting, not my literal heart, that other one. I realized that I kept trying to fight who I was, fight what my feelings and instincts were to come across as "normal" to others. I am the way I am. I find some peace in accepting that, at least right now. I can and am making practical changes in my life, getting stronger, more sunshine and walking, really got strict on the diet, and it makes me feel good about myself.

    It is harder to change my thought patterns, but I am. I was going about it the wrong way though. I was trying to act and react in a way that was not "me". When the real change that needed to happen was to just pause, breathe, and say exactly what I feel. No faking, no acting like something doesn't bother me when it does or vice versa. What I can change is to be more understanding of where others are coming from. Not taking everything so personally, not being defensive, and realizing that I can only change me, I can only make my life into what I think it should be, nobody else. That is their journey, not mine.

    I realize that being the way I am is inviting myself to be hurt a lot, I share everything, I disclose everything, and I tell the truth always. I'm not saying I've never lied, but when it counts, which is more often than most people think, I am honest. I am not this way with everyone, but the few that get under my skin, the people that find a way to spark something in me will hear all of it. I tried to fight this for a while. The pain of not being myself was far worse than. The pain of being hurt due to my openness.

    Some tears fell today, but I picked myself up and did some squats and push-ups. Then I did something I've been putting off for weeks. I made the paleo cupcakes. Not something I would normally make, but I've wanted to bake since this fall weather hit. And I had the perfect excuse, one of my co-workers is severely allergic to wheat and gluten and loves sweets. I know she'll be so excited, plus they are in cute little Halloween liners with little Halloween flags that will stick in them. I love cooking, I love baking, I love feeding people and making them smile.

    I truly can't believe how much becoming primal has changed my life. Not just the direct results like weight loss, but the people I have spoken with and the insights I've had with a clearer head. This sparked me to question so many other aspects of conventional wisdom, politics, economics, conspiracies, medicine, lifestyle choices, and what I really want out of life. It all started here. I'm so grateful that I see the world the way I do now.
    Cha-cha-cha changes.... turn and face the strange...

    My journal - http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread66276.html

  2. #112
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    From a friend...

    "Today may there be peace within. May you trust that you are
    exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite
    possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you
    use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has
    been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you
    are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul
    the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and
    every one of us.
    Cha-cha-cha changes.... turn and face the strange...

    My journal - http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread66276.html

  3. #113
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    I have to remind myself to be strong. To know that the way I feel is true. That looking or sounding crazy to average people is a good thing. I can only follow my heart and instincts and hope for the best. That's what I will do. No matter what. Rough day today. Every minute reminding myself of my strength.
    Cha-cha-cha changes.... turn and face the strange...

    My journal - http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread66276.html

  4. #114
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    I gambled and lost. Oh well. Tomorrow's another day, it's just sadness, it's just a little heartache, it's just knots in my tummy, won't kill me. Tomorrow I'll wake up stronger and go back out there and fling myself back into life. It feels good to not be afraid of pain anymore. I accept it, embrace it, and let it float away, not overnight, no, but soon enough. I'm excited for what other beautiful disasters await me.
    Cha-cha-cha changes.... turn and face the strange...

    My journal - http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread66276.html

  5. #115
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    Omg. Some days I feel like I have to fight for every single step, every single rep. And it's not like I'm in some hard core fitness routine. Some days it just comes so much harder, like today. But I got through it. It's a confidence booster at least!
    Cha-cha-cha changes.... turn and face the strange...

    My journal - http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread66276.html

  6. #116
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    Just delurking long enough for you to know that you have a cheer squad.
    My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread60211.html Into RPG table top games? Check out FateStorm!

  7. #117
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    Quote Originally Posted by badgergirl View Post
    Just delurking long enough for you to know that you have a cheer squad.
    You're awesome. I appreciate it so much and I appreciated your posts on my "depressed" thread too. I am doing much better. I was just on the floor in the office comparing push-ups with my co-workers. We were laughing our butts off. I'm active and eating right. I am excited about life again.
    Cha-cha-cha changes.... turn and face the strange...

    My journal - http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread66276.html

  8. #118
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    That's wonderful, Jena. Keep it up

  9. #119
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    Thank goodness for my mid afternoon walk at work. After all the new crap piled on me today I really needed a breather. Happy to be trusted with more responsibility, but it's stressful nonetheless. I am excited, so very excited to go out and be crazy this weekend. Getting out of this state and having an adventure. No worries, no deep fucking thoughts, just fun an shenanigans with my best friend! Woo hoo, road trip! F U Michigan okay, well I still have to make it through work tomorrow, but by 6 pm I'll have a glass of wine and be cruising downtown's "Fall Into the Arts" then Saturday morning hitting he road! Sunday shopping and cruising around, Monday recovery and replenishment. "I get by with a little help from my friends".
    Cha-cha-cha changes.... turn and face the strange...

    My journal - http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread66276.html

  10. #120
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    I'm waking up angry today, waking up feeling like things aren't fair. Then I am angry at myself for having that poor attitude, lol. Go figure. I'm sad, but that's far from being depressed so I think I'll be okay. Sometimes I wonder why I was made the way I am, with such a sensitive heart that is so easily hurt. I know there must be a reason and I hope that it will reveal itself soon. I don't want to get out of bed today, I don't want to go face the world, but I have too. I feel like a foolish child right now. My theory is usually to "sleep on it". Didn't work this time.
    Cha-cha-cha changes.... turn and face the strange...

    My journal - http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread66276.html

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