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    Primal Journal of a lifelong seeker... phaselow

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    Here goes:

    Since the age of 15 I have been gauging my self-worth on my appearance; my weight, specifically. Where it all comes from I don't know. What I do know is that, at age 47, I'd like to make some permanent changes. I've come a long way since my teen years, but that love/hate relationship with food still exists. I was an eating disorder child of the 1980s (anorexia, then bulimia for 20 years), and replaced bulimia with chronic cardio and fasting about 10 years ago to deal with the binges. Not much healthier of a way to live, that's for sure. It has led to choices of isolation from friends and from my spouse as I hide to continue my love affair with sugar. On the outside, everyone believes I am this confident, strong, athletic, intelligent person. Oh, am I an actress or what???

    Not sure anyone is going to read this, and honestly that is not my goal. I'm not a comic, nor am I particularly insightful or schooled in Primal Living. This is a beginning for me; another beginning. I've given myself "Day One" or "First day of the rest of my life" so many times it isn't funny. However, the past 2 months have been both eye opening and difficult.

    I started my PB journey in July 2012 during a trip to South Dakota, Wyoming and Colorado. I ate a ton of beef and few carbs on that trip (cattle country!) and felt FANTASTIC. Tons of energy and greatly reduced bloating. Despite eating out most every evening and sitting in cars for hours at a time, I lost weight and slept well. It made me think, led me to the computer to research, and resulted in me being here laying myself for whatever comes next.

    Since cheating and hiding are main stumbling blocks to getting better, I am going to use this journal to post what I am eating and how I am staying physically active. I have a private journal, but "private" means I have nobody to hold me accountable. That, my friends, will be your job if you choose to view my journal. I thank you ahead of time.

    Age 48
    Start date: 7-5-12
    5'3"
    121lbs
    GOAL: to live to be a healthy and active 100


    "In health there is freedom. Health is the first of all liberties."
    Henri Frederic Amiel

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    Today (avoiding calling it Day One):

    IF between 7PM-11AM except for decaf BP coffee with ghee and coconut milk

    lunch: large raw red/white cabbage salad, 1/2 avocado, 1/2 c honey roasted cashews, 1/4 c raisins and a bacon grease/EVOO/cider vinegar vinaigrette. 2T peanut butter and 2T honey.

    I know the peanut butter/honey are not what I want to be eating. For some reason it sounded so good, and it was. At least it wasn't spread on any carb (just right on the spoon).

    dinner: very small piece of chicken breast (glazed with Mark's glaze from the BBQ drumstick recipe last month), a few bites of watermelon and 1/4 c full fat cottage cheese. It was the first time I had eaten cottage cheese since July, and it was so salty I tossed it after a few bites. I really don't eat fruit at all anymore.

    I went to the gym this morning and did 50 minutes of metabolic conditioning and strength training. I had a fight with the vegetable peeler last night (damn kohlrabi) and managed to slice a huge flap on my middle finger. I'm amazed at how useful my middle finger is to every day life. It made gripping weights and kettle bells quite difficult.

    All in all, pretty good day. I have to give up my organic honey roasted cashews. They are gone now, so I will avoid buying them again. They really do add a great taste to salad, but I eat far more than I should. Typically, I eat raw macadamias or pine nuts.

    This is the second year that I will be avoiding caramel apples. I *love* caramel apples. Thankfully, I only eat organic apples and organic caramel apples are much harder to find. One day I will treat myself to one, and probably wonder why I ever had the obsession.

    I do have a goal weight of 115lbs. That is about 5lbs from what I weigh now, but those extra 5 feel like 25 on my frame.

    Stress level is moderate. Having a special needs child (Autism; age 11) and a rocky marriage (25 yrs together; married 18) are taking its toll these days. At my husband's request, I've eliminated a lot of my outside activities to focus on my marriage; but I think that was a bad idea. Now, I am bored and feeling quite unproductive. I used to foster dogs, help run a food pantry, serve as a parent liaison for the SpEd department in our district and chair our Homework Club at the middle school. Got to talk to my husband about putting something back in my life or I will go berserk. When I am bored, I eat.

    Age 48
    Start date: 7-5-12
    5'3"
    121lbs
    GOAL: to live to be a healthy and active 100


    "In health there is freedom. Health is the first of all liberties."
    Henri Frederic Amiel

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    Today:

    IF until 12:30 with just decaf BP coffee (ghee and coconut milk). I am starting to love my morning BP coffee time! The kids are now all on the bus by 7:15am so I get some time to relax before starting my *stuff*.

    Lunch: Large bowl sauteed mixed vegetables from the co-op, 1/2 avocado and a few raw macadamias.

    Snack: Majority of a large PrimalPac (beef jerky, mango, nuts). 20g protein, 10g carbs

    Dinner: chicken (white/dark meat)

    The kids had some ice cream tonight after dinner (I buy ice cream that has only a few ingredients to make myself feel better). I dug the last scoop out and licked what was left on the spoon. Almost kept going, but did not. Yay, me!

    I'm up to about 119.5# and feel bloated. I need to take a look at counting carbs. A big part of my problem is being home much of the day. I need to get that job or that big volunteer opportunity back. Nothing good happens when I am stuck at home and unhappy.

    Age 48
    Start date: 7-5-12
    5'3"
    121lbs
    GOAL: to live to be a healthy and active 100


    "In health there is freedom. Health is the first of all liberties."
    Henri Frederic Amiel

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    Today:

    Same old IF except for decaf BP coffee with ghee/heavy whipping cream

    Went to gym today for my metabolic conditioning- strength training class. 50 mins of kettle bells, jump squats, weights, push ups, etc. Felt good.

    Lunch: 2c broccoli/cauliflower/bacon salad from deli. Dressing was too sugary sweet (mayo base) but I ate it. Also had 1/4 c of raw pine nuts and raisins plus 1T peanut butter. Why I am eating peanut butter is unknown. I'm not too big of a fan.

    Snack: Couple oz of really dark chocolate (99%). Somebody else was talking about their dark chocolate and it got me thinking. Put it in a bowl with 1/2 c shredded unsweetened coconut flakes and chowed down.

    Dinner: 1/2 c cottage cheese. I felt like I needed to finish the container. Still too salty for me after not eating it since July. I won't be buying more. Ate some chicken breast, too. Felt pretty full.

    Ran 4 miles on the treadmill. Felt like I needed to sweat and it was so windy outside I didn't want to run against it. 2 minutes very fast walk/5 mins moderate run for 60 minutes. My femur didn't ache. I think I have found my sweet spot for running frequency at 2x/week. Pray that it stays that way. My knee or hip have a tendency to act up on me after a few months of running. Last time I had to take 5 months off but I was running more frequently.

    Helped my daughter make some oreo cookie balls for her football buddy (she's a cheerleader). I had no interest in eating it. Yuck.

    Age 48
    Start date: 7-5-12
    5'3"
    121lbs
    GOAL: to live to be a healthy and active 100


    "In health there is freedom. Health is the first of all liberties."
    Henri Frederic Amiel

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    And today:

    IF with decaf coffee (1/2 decaf and half ground cacao) with 1t ghee/1T heavy cream

    lunch: 3c broccoli slaw salad with raw pinenuts/raisins and a warm vinaigrette of bacon grease/EVOO/cider vinegar/soy free mayo

    snack: large Primal Pac (48g protein/28g carbs)

    dinner: large piece braised chuck roast, broccoli, red pepper, carrots, onion

    I have this drive to eat between 12-3PM. It can be insatiable! I think I am bored.

    No work out today. I thought I'd take a day off since I woke up with Achilles pain. It went away after a few hours but I decided to listen to my body. Did a ton of laundry if that counts!

    Noticed today that my arms are looking pretty strong. I'm happy. I lost a lot of definition during my Feb-July exercise 'vacation'. Made me feel good, since I've been pretty blah lately.

    Age 48
    Start date: 7-5-12
    5'3"
    121lbs
    GOAL: to live to be a healthy and active 100


    "In health there is freedom. Health is the first of all liberties."
    Henri Frederic Amiel

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    September 21st

    IF from about 6PM-11:30AM except for my decaf coffee with ghee/heavy cream

    Did strength training this morning for 50 mins. I was not feeling it today.

    Lunch: lunch date cancelled on me. Rats. I was looking forward to a restaurant made omelet. Instead, I had:

    Bag of broccoli slaw with raw pine nuts, raisins and 1/3 avocado. I made a vinaigrette of warm bacon grease/evoo/mayo/cider vinegar. Chowed down on a large handful of dark chocolate chips while I was waiting. They were taunting me.

    Dinner:

    Large piece of yesterday's pot roast with homemade gravy, 1/2 of a gargantuan roasted kabocha squash with tons of ghee. I OD'd on that one. Had to wash it down with a bite of my daughter's oreo cookie ball because she was begging me to try it before she gave them to her football buddy (she's a cheerleader). Woah, was that sweet.

    Nothing to report today. Talked to my husband about (him) going part time at work while I go to school for 1-2 years. He didn't say "No."

    Age 48
    Start date: 7-5-12
    5'3"
    121lbs
    GOAL: to live to be a healthy and active 100


    "In health there is freedom. Health is the first of all liberties."
    Henri Frederic Amiel

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    Going to school? Awesome! For what and where at?

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    Quote Originally Posted by DreamHealth View Post
    Going to school? Awesome! For what and where at?
    Initially, I toyed with law school. Realistically, I'm probably going to get an Associate Paralegal degree. I typically don't mind being the person who does all the work yet reaps no (public) glory. Chalk it up to 25 yrs living with a busy, successful MD and 3 kids!

    Age 48
    Start date: 7-5-12
    5'3"
    121lbs
    GOAL: to live to be a healthy and active 100


    "In health there is freedom. Health is the first of all liberties."
    Henri Frederic Amiel

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    [QUOTE=PHaselow;955591]Here goes:

    Since the age of 15 I have been gauging my self-worth on my appearance; my weight, specifically. Where it all comes from I don't know. What I do know is that, at age 47, I'd like to make some permanent changes. I've come a long way since my teen years, but that love/hate relationship with food still exists. I was an eating disorder child of the 1980s (anorexia, then bulimia for 20 years), and replaced bulimia with chronic cardio and fasting about 10 years ago to deal with the binges. Not much healthier of a way to live, that's for sure. It has led to choices of isolation from friends and from my spouse as I hide to continue my love affair with sugar. On the outside, everyone believes I am this confident, strong, athletic, intelligent person. Oh, am I an actress or what???

    Not sure anyone is going to read this, and honestly that is not my goal. "

    I'm reading this and understand to some degree. I've never had a defined eating disorder but my view of food is not orderly. I was a fat child who was bullied ALL through grade school. It was horrible and the invisible scars are still there. So I understand gauging oneself on appearance.

    This line "On the outside, everyone believes I am this confident, strong, athletic, intelligent person" fits me to a T. So..you're FAR from alone. Just wanted to say that. Thanks for dropping by my journal.

    Babs
    SBF% 20.5
    CBF% 20.0
    Goal....14%

    Muscle weighs more than fat and scales are evil.

  10. #10
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    [QUOTE=Trojan;960015]
    Quote Originally Posted by PHaselow View Post

    I'm reading this and understand to some degree. I've never had a defined eating disorder but my view of food is not orderly. I was a fat child who was bullied ALL through grade school. It was horrible and the invisible scars are still there. So I understand gauging oneself on appearance.

    This line "On the outside, everyone believes I am this confident, strong, athletic, intelligent person" fits me to a T. So..you're FAR from alone. Just wanted to say that. Thanks for dropping by my journal.

    Babs
    I know you!

    I was also teased as a child by both my dad (nice teasing, but still teasing) and by kids in grade school about my eating (dad) and my weight (kids). I was not even heavy, that is what kills me! Just a healthy kid that never went through a scrawny phase (my father was a pediatrician so we have all the records; I was 50th percentile). Boy, the damage people can do.

    I created this strong exterior. When I could not keep up the charade, I just didn't show up. Lots of isolation. Bulimia is horrible that way. I will say that, as my recovery continues, I do realize I actually AM a confident, strong, athletic, intelligent person. I just have a few flaws. Learning to love my flaws!

    Thanks for dropping by *my* journal!

    Checking in here literally made me stop myself today. I was going to finish the frozen custard my kids and their friends brought home. I tossed it instead. Yay.

    Lunch:

    BIG plate of gluten free pancakes with lots of butter. I've been needing carbs lately.
    Last edited by PHaselow; 11-13-2012 at 09:30 AM.

    Age 48
    Start date: 7-5-12
    5'3"
    121lbs
    GOAL: to live to be a healthy and active 100


    "In health there is freedom. Health is the first of all liberties."
    Henri Frederic Amiel

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