to the OP---you truly do have youth on your side---I wish I had been 20 and know what you know now. On these forums we can all talk from our own personal experiences, but that doenst mean it will be your experience if followed. I also come from a family line of depression and am very aware of falling into that. Another hurdle for me is I'm epileptic as well. 6 years ago I switched to a gluten free diet and really started to feel a lot better mentally and physically...lost my pregnancy weight that wouldnt shake as well. I've cycled in and out of grain-free for the past 2 years or so. I must say that I get rid of my anxiety and any slight depression when I give up the grains. However, if I put grains back in---I usually feel fine for a good week or so, but then things start creeping up on me---anxiety, weight gain, moodiness, etc. The problem is that this isnt immediate for me when grains are reintroduced so it's hard for me to want to BLAME the grains...but alas, I'm much better without.
We are all trial and error and fine tuning and tweaking as we go here...hoping you find a path that works for you!
Check out my blog on nature and nurture!
“I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country..."
― Bill Hicks
"Sometimes eating the wrong food with the right attitude is a better choice than eating the right food with the wrong attitude... That’s how powerful the mind and the heart can be in the healing process."
- Chris Kresser
Having had issues with my weight, been anorexic and still suffering from low-level body dysmorphia, I understand what you mean. You want to eat naturally, intuitively, but it doesn't work. So you control what you eat. But that makes you scared you're falling back into ED again. The control doesn't feel right. It feels obsessive. And it scares you.
My fiance helped me understand it, though. Everyone healthy obsesses a little about their food. And it's OK. Because you're replacing a bad habit with a good one. Yes, it's still a HABIT, an OBSESSION, but it's helping you. For example, I went from fat-avoiding and calorie-counting obsessively to obsessing over balancing my water and fat intake and over keeping "cheats" minimal. I went from obsessively wanting to see more ribs (a sign of how "well" I was doing), to obsessively wanting bigger muscles. No, the mindset isn't healthy. But we've managed to put it in an environment where it can LEAD to health.
I don't think you can ever fix it. Not truly. I don't think you can ever look at a bit of fat on your thigh and not think "yuck" or ever avoid wondering if you've eaten "too much" fat. But you can override it. Obsess, but obsess about POSITIVE things, things that do you GOOD. And yes, you'll have ED thoughts, but you can tell yourself, the second you have them: "No, that's wrong. My thigh is fine and the fats I ate were good for me. It's not me thinking that. It's the voice of habit and the voice of worry and I won't listen to it."
I'm having a bad day with it today because I ate over 2700kcals. The voice is telling me how unhealthy it is, how fat I'll get... And I have to keep reminding myself that I did a lot of exercise and a lot of mental work, which makes for a need for more kcals. I keep reminding myself that I'm eating what my body wants, that this isn't everyday, it isn't a binge. I keep reminding myself that one or two days a week don't matter individually. It's hard, but it's POSSIBLE.
You'll soon find the thoughts happening less frequently, or good thoughts happening more frequently.
It's a long road and you probably won't come out of it thinking about food like other people do. But you'll come out of it loving food, loving yourself and only having the occassional doubt.
If you ever have concerns or fears, or just want to talk in general, feel free to PM me. I know where you've been because I'm not really out of it myself. And, whilst I'm no expert, I know it can help to have someone to talk to about these things.
Be strong and brave.
Perfection is entirely individual. Any philosophy or pursuit that encourages individuality has merit in that it frees people. Any that encourages shackles only has merit in that it shows you how wrong and desperate the human mind can get in its pursuit of truth.
I get blunter and more narcissistic by the day.
I'd apologize, but...
It sounds to me like you may have some OCD issues at play which can tie in with the eating disorder. There are good counselors out there that would also help focus on your nutrition - because yes, it absolutely plays a part in how you feel mentally as well as physically - and there are counselors out there who are also musicians. There are a couple of my therapists who are also musicians and they will play their guitars with their clients. I have one who works with kids who has been known to go play basketball with them in the gym (we're a Christian counseling service and we operate out of a church).
Above all, though, therapy is only good and effective if you agree that you have issues that a therapist can help you with. If you think this guy is a waste of your time, then you are indeed wasting your time and money on your copay. I would encourage you to do some looking around and find someone else who may be a better fit for you, though, as I think it could help.