Am I a jerk or is the GF crazy? page 7

[zoebird]

To talk about the weight thing. . .or why women jump there. . .it's practically a reflex at this point.

From a very young age, we are bombarded with images and ideas and what not that our inherent value is intrinsicly linked to the notion of female beauty du jour.

No matter how much we work on it, no matter how aware we are of the impact of these images. . . honestly, no matter what. . . we fear being "ugly" which in turn makes us "useless." (See, our usefulness culturally is tied to whether or not we are meeting the beauty standard.)

It's extremely frustrating to attempt to step out of this paradigm, because one way or another, we get reminded. We are mostly policed by other women, and for many of us, our masculine counterparts are a refuge from this storm. Well, if we are lesbians, then we might say that it's simply our partners that are our refuge.

You see, having a partner means that you meet the beauty standard because someone likes you and wants you and thinks that you are attractive enough to have met the beauty standard. Therefore, you are useful.

And, even when the relationship is established (like mine), I can still be sensitive to this sort of thing. I am particularly prone to it when I feel stressed and when I am struggling with something weight/health related.

In this example, she was struggling with not having great post-workout recovery. This would demonstrate a lack of fitness, which also then classifies as a beauty marker in her particular world view (and yours). So, right there is a place where she's likely to be sensitive.

What she really wanted to hear -- beyond the 'good lunch!' -- was "i wouldn't worry about it right now. you're very fit and strong, the workouts are getting tough, and on top of your current work load and stress, I wouldn't be surprised if that is part of the reason, you know?" (in person, not in text, because texting that much is a nightmare).

Then it's saying "You are beautiful and fit and amazing, and I value you, and you have value." And then also doubling up with "It's no big deal that you're struggling with this right now, it's just due to the stress you are under from work, which will pass."

She was likely fretting over it, and concerning herself with her fitness/rightness, and from there, she felt that her worst fears were concerned because, as a trigger word, "cortisol = fat/lazy" not "stress."

Make any sense? Maybe not. But, I have to say that I'm prone to it a fair bit indeed.

[Chaohinon]

But that's just a really roudabout way of saying that she's projecting her own securities onto him and making him manage her own off-kilter emotions, which itself is problematic.

And the idea that it's ok for women to do that because they're "emotional creatures" and aren't to be confused with silly things like logic and advice should be very offensive to intelligent women. It smells like patriarchy to me.

[zoebird]

I didn't say it was right or ok, I was just saying what happens. Or rather, what I do and experience.

Both men and women project their stuff onto others, and I was in no way stating that he should "manage" her -- but just recognize that this is a trigger for many women (and obviously for his girlfriend), so it's a good idea to just be mindful of that.

It's also good to know that it's a trigger/projection, becuase then he doesn't have to ask "Am I being a jerk, or what?" He knows this isn't "his stuff," and he can manage the situation for himself (on his end) better.

Also, it's just good information to know, in general. I know my husband's primary triggers, when he's projecting his stuff, etc, and I know when to say "you're projecting your stuff" and when to give him some space, and when to go gently with him and so on. That's also just part of being in a relationship. And yes, without co=dependency and related.

But it's a heck of a lot nicer than the old concept: women are just crazy.

We aren't crazy. Or everyone is crazy.

[kenn]

My gf takes for fk'n ever to get ready and it drives me nuts! Not so much because it takes her forever to do w/e it's because she procrastinates like no other.

/end rant

In her defense she works full time and coaches and dj's on the weekend

[Uncephalized]

Or everyone is crazy.

It's definitely that one.

[jojohaligo]

But that's just a really roudabout way of saying that she's projecting her own securities onto him and making him manage her own off-kilter emotions, which itself is problematic.

And the idea that it's ok for women to do that because they're "emotional creatures" and aren't to be confused with silly things like logic and advice should be very offensive to intelligent women. It smells like patriarchy to me.

I hate it, personally (and being called a "lady - frack I hate that!). Keeping my emotions in check has actually helped me get through a bunch of crap in my life. Some of the men in my past are far more emotionally ruled than I am. I mean they make decisions based on their emotion rather than a rationally thought out conclusion. I don't think it's okay for women to do that, and I don't think it's okay for men to do that.

[canio6]

But that's just a really roudabout way of saying that she's projecting her own securities onto him and making him manage her own off-kilter emotions, which itself is problematic.

And the idea that it's ok for women to do that because they're "emotional creatures" and aren't to be confused with silly things like logic and advice should be very offensive to intelligent women. It smells like patriarchy to me.

^This and more of this.

and zoebird, I get what you are saying about triggers but I think she kind of jumped the shark on this one. It's not like he said, "Oh, you are having sardines for lunch? Only have two because, well, you know...." or "Great lunch! Make sure to do a few more lunges because your thighs, I mean, I love you honey..." He made a suggestion ref. post workout recovery which has nothing to do with weight, appearance, or fat.

[Scott F]

You tried to fix her. She don't want to be fixed.



Women are nutz....but if you tell my wife I said that I'll deny ever word of it

[zoebird]

and zoebird, I get what you are saying about triggers but I think she kind of jumped the shark on this one. It's not like he said, "Oh, you are having sardines for lunch? Only have two because, well, you know...." or "Great lunch! Make sure to do a few more lunges because your thighs, I mean, I love you honey..." He made a suggestion ref. post workout recovery which has nothing to do with weight, appearance, or fat.

Yes, it's definitely a logical leap. I didn't see it coming, myself, from his explanation. LOL

It's likely that she's making these leaps because she is under stress. Most people tend to "act out" and make such massive jumps when they are under stress. And we know she's under stress, so there you go.

[kenn]

I hate it, personally (and being called a "lady - frack I hate that!). Keeping my emotions in check has actually helped me get through a bunch of crap in my life. Some of the men in my past are far more emotionally ruled than I am. I mean they make decisions based on their emotion rather than a rationally thought out conclusion. I don't think it's okay for women to do that, and I don't think it's okay for men to do that.

In that case I'm breaking up with mine