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Thread: Our own little Kiwi Thread ! page 84

  1. #831
    NZ primal Gwamma's Avatar
    NZ primal Gwamma is online now Senior Member
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    Seaweed, It just makes me sick. This girl is so sweet, however there is two sides to every story, and none of us know what goes on behind others closed doors........ but seriously to go and have an affair ???????
    In a perfect world it would be nice to be afforded the respect of being told BEFORE the affair happens... but who lives in a perfect world ay ????
    I am getting all philosopical !!!!!!
    "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

    ...small steps....

  2. #832
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    the other woman gets blamed in a cheating situation more vehemently not because she is more at fault, but because the community of the man can't hold her accountable.

    think about it. if a man cheats, everyone he knows will know. everyone can have an opinion, and as such, he can work to make amends. The women, though, she usually disappears (usually not being a person in that community). she was invisible in the relationship, sometimes the community doesn't even know her identity, and then she disappears into the ether.

    Thus, the natural need that we have to create amends (our internal communal needs) are not met. She has not been held accountable. As such, the vehemence towards her stays the same or increases because there was no opportunity to rightly vent the feelings and frustrations to her and have her make amends.

    I've actually seen it in both situations.

    In one situation, where he cheated (instigated) and she agreed (knowing he was married according to him), when his wife found out, she was very upset. He refused to say who the other woman was. Their marriage did survive (with counseling, work, etc), but she still holds on to a LOT of vitriol toward the woman because she was never able to confront.

    In another situation, where he cheated (instigated) and she agreed (knowing he was married because both people attended the same church), when his wife found out, she was very upset. The whole community was upset, and she was able to confront the "other woman" -- and did so both publically and privately. The marriage survived, they all still attend the same church, and even though those two women are not friends, they can work together on committees well enough and so on. And, no one is holding any particular, intense vitriol. Instead, there's more of a "whatever" sort of feeling between the women, and while there's still a scar for the husband/wife to contend with, the reality is that the whole thing is much more peaceful.

    In my own case, my husband didn't cheat, but there was a woman who had designs on him. She was also married, and they'd met at a conference. I pointed out to my husband (when he would share her emails with me) that she was giving him the 'full court press' (a basketball reference of offensive positioning, btw). she was making it very clear that she wanted him. He was like "no, no, she's just being funny." or some such. He's a bit dense about these things.

    Later, he went out to some meetings, and she had invited him to stay with her. I agreed, because he was like "it's free housing." and I was like "this idiot hasn't figured out what he's gotten himself into." And i realized that he needed to go through it to see what the reality was.

    I was spitting tacks on the inside, btw. I wanted to KILL that woman. But she wasn't in my social circle. I wasn't in the same social circle that my husband was in this instance. This was a circle that was wholly his -- and in this circle, these illicit relationships were common. DH would say "it's terrible! terrible!" and I know he feels that way. But he didn't see how he was walking right into a compromised situation.

    Seriously, he's an idiot sometimes.

    Anyway, he goes out to her place and the first night he's knackered and he immediately excuses himself and goes to sleep. He noticed the way that the other women who were there behaved when he arrived, and he was like "oh, this is like when a girl likes a boy and all of the girls go "oooooo!" but he said "oh,t hey're probably just being silly." The next morning, she started the seduction processes, and he was pretty oblivious because he was excited about his meetings.

    She then arrived home in the evening just after he did with wine and movies, but my husband doesn't drink wine, so her advances didn't go very far, and he went to bed. The next morning, she completely flipped out on him. . . something about "not meeting her needs and expectations" and he was like "what?"

    Seriously, he's an idiot.

    So, anyway, he went to a hotel for the rest of his stay (about 4 nights). And when he came back, we debriefed about what really happened, and I showed him all of the evidence and signs from day 1 that I was aware of and how it fit together. And he was completely shocked because that's not how he saw it at all. And he felt bad (and stupid), and apologized to me for putting me through having to wonder if he was going to cheat just because he got himself into a pickle.

    I am still no fan of "that woman." I've never met her, I've never had contact with her, but I wanted to cut her to ribbons when she openly invited DH to stay at her place for the time that he was there. I could tell in the email (and I told this to him) that she perceived this as the time they would take their relationship to that next level.

    So, part of me was just having to trust my husband and my process while KNOWING that this woman whom I didn't know was trying to draw him away from my relationship, with no consideration toward me (or him for that matter) or our relationship. And it SERIOUSLY pissed me off.

    While today (nearly 8 years out?), I have very little emotion about it per se (as nothing really happened thankfully), I would still cut her if I met her. And by that I mean verbally, and not physically. Because, honestly, I would hold her accountable for her actions against me and our relationship.

    I've already held him accountable. But she's *never* been held accountable. And as such, I still hold out anger about it.

    And for the record, my husband openly shared emails/etc with me -- I do not look at his. He literally thought that she was just beign "funny" and not interested in him.

  3. #833
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    Hey NZ guys I wanted to thank you for my lovely breakfast of lambs liver this morning, it was yummy, thanks for sharing.

    THough I still can't figure out why we get so much NZ lamb over here and it's cheaper than british a lot of the time, even though we have plenty of good sheep grazing and it dosn't have to be shipped half-way round the world. Ho Hum, the wonderful world of economics
    You know all those pictures of Adam and Eve where they have belly button? Think about it..................... take as long as you need........................

  4. #834
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    Hmmm, maybe something to lighten the mood? How about the new Hobbit-inspired Air NZ safety briefing
    Hobbits get serious about air safety - Crave

  5. #835
    NZ primal Gwamma's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jerseyjim View Post
    Hmmm, maybe something to lighten the mood? How about the new Hobbit-inspired Air NZ safety briefing
    Hobbits get serious about air safety - Crave
    hello JJ from NJ - aren't we brilliant over here in the "land of the long white cloud" ??? I love Air NZ Videos. They are very clever. We have a delightful one with the All Blacks, and an old Grandma (not Gwamma) running around in the nicky nu. brilliant!

    Thrilled that you are enjoying our NZ lamb Tribal Rob. We had 5 go away last week to the home kill man - so it will be lamb on the menu here for christmas. Yay. In fact it will heaps of lamb between now and then too.

    Plenty to go around -
    "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

    ...small steps....

  6. #836
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    Quote Originally Posted by seaweed View Post
    i have a security key on my cell phone that i have to unlock. have done for years. i know how to delete my txts, my sent txts and clear all my call and txt logs. i dont have affairs but i was married to someone who assumed every txt msg from a male was in secret code and liked to read my txts.
    I wouldn't know the first thing about locking my cell phone. And couldn't care a less if anyone read the damned thing. I am truely illiterate when it comes to these damned things.
    This house that we bought a few years ago, built by some Americans, who were then denied residency, has a $50,000 security/sound system. Guess what....it doesn't get used much, cos this old Gwamma has absolutely no idea !!! LOL

    Anyway I am sorry that you had so much trauma Seaweed, Jealousy would have to be one of the most destructive things. But I truely believe that the shit that we go through makes us better people - .......... oh my - I need to stop this philo-so-so-so-figal stuff !!!! LOL
    "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

    ...small steps....

  7. #837
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    My general philosophy about cheating has been to tell the men in my life that if they cheated, I'd better be the third one to know, i.e. him, her, then me. While there would be of course, the obligatory jewelry and grovelling to get back into my good graces, if I heard through the grapevine, we'd be through no other options.

    As far as I know, it seems to have worked. Have I faced the shame-faced fool who "got hammered and it just happened?" Sure. But because they didn't make a fool of me, I've been able to forgive. I think my lackadaisical (sp?) attitude also took some of the thrill out of it.

  8. #838
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    Quote Originally Posted by JoanieL View Post
    As far as I know, it seems to have worked. Have I faced the shame-faced fool who "got hammered and it just happened?" Sure. But because they didn't make a fool of me, I've been able to forgive. I think my lackadaisical (sp?) attitude also took some of the thrill out of it.
    Wow, so It did actually happen to you Joanie ?? I so could not take him back. But admire those of you who do, because it is for your own reasons. I suppose I won't know how I feel until I am in that situation....however I hope I am never in that situation to find out !
    Ok I had better go and cook him bacon'n'eggs - to keep him happy. Then I had best continue to read 50 shades of grey, and work out the alternative to keeping him happy !!! LOL I don't think so !!!!
    "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

    ...small steps....

  9. #839
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    hey i am back!!!!!!! lol went away hunting. and all the gates were locked with nasty no shooting and trespassers will be prosecuted signs. there was snow on the ground and the other place we poss would have gotten snowed in so i wasnt keen as i need to be here for the kids this avo. we had a cruise around looking for stuff but had the wrong type of guns or it would have been quail and peacock and hare for tea. the other place we went was this old railway tunnel. 400m long and pitch black the whole way thru. awesome practise walking thru for balance and foot placement. i had the dog so i wasnt worried about anything in the dark that i couldnt see lol dog was miserable too. i had to chain him outside for 2 nights and he got shoved in a dog box on the back of the ute. he was not a happy camper. and when he went to hump the other dog to show superior rank, it tried to bite him. poor baby.
    as to affairs, my policy always was, you touch him you keep him. i stuffed up once and negociated for totally unrelated reasons. ie that bf was keeping the exhubby at bay by existing. never again. usually, if someone does that, they have their own issues and i do like a man with a backbone where his spine is. and you must have an awesome dh zoe. the fact he didnt see it coming is good as it means he doesnt project or look for opportunities. and i wouldnt worry about ever lowering yourself to cutting that other woman up as your husband did the right thing. he didnt even wimp out with the sorry i would but i shouldnt coz i am married excuse.
    and yes gwamma what doesnt kill you makes you stronger.

  10. #840
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    This house that we bought a few years ago, built by some Americans, who were then denied residency, has a $50,000 security/sound system.
    i dont even bother locking my house unless the exhubby is in town. no point as you can just break a window or bash the door and no one would hear you.

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