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    Primal Journal ~ eat.breathe.live

    Primal Fuel
    Hello all.

    Today is the first day of the rest of my life. As promised, I am starting my PB Journal right here, right now, no more excuses. Today I start the 21-Day Transformation challenge and I intend to share my journey here with you. I welcome any and all thoughts, ideas, support, encouragement and yes, tough love when necessary. What's true is that I can no longer continue to live the way that I have. Change must happen and it starts here, today. I will keep trying and trying until I succeed. Success is my only option. I cannot continue to die a slow death, physically, mentally or emotionally anymore. So my life starts here. Now!

    My story:

    I've had a disordered relationship with food and my body for as long as I remember. I don't know when it began exactly, nor do I care. I only know that I am here now and miserable with it. Seven years ago I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, had my thyroid removed, completed radiation therapy and my body has been on a horrible roller coaster even since. In an effort to take control of my life I took a turn into the fitness industry after making what I thought was a remarkable physical transformation at the time. But what I really learned was how truly unhealthy the health and fitness industry really is. What I learned was how to abuse and manipulate my body into a smaller size, working out for hours each day and starving myself to death. I eventually left the fitness industry with chronic stress fractures in both my ankles, a complete cessation of menses and a raging eating disorder. What I learned is that you can only starve your body for so long before it fights back and mine faught back with a vengeance. I've had a binge eating disorder ever since and the mental and physical suffering from this has been emmense. So much so that I have come to hate the body and mind that I live in. In an attempt to address my binge eating previously I tried intuitive eating, trying to relearn my bodies true language, learning to hear my bodies hunger and fullness cues again. Initially this did wonders for me and I finally felt freedom from food and from the anxiety that always surrounded it but this to eventually morphed into something unhealthy and disordered. The thinner I got the less food I ate until I was once again starving myself, biding my time until weekends and I could have that cookie or that brownie or that ice cream. Constantly living in fear of eating too much but always thinking about food and wanting more. This led me to a point about eight months ago when I realized I was over worked, over stressed, underweight and starving. I could see my rib cage and I could have hurt someone with my hips. In an attempt to alleviate my work stress I took a leap and took a hiatus from healthcare and started working at Starbucks. Being surrounded by sugar and pastries all day and not being able to eat any of them (I also have celiacs) finally took its toll and once again my primal body won out over starvation and an eight month binge began. During this time, even in the darkest of times, I became familiar with and absorbed everything I could on the Paleo/Primal lifestyle. Everything about it made sense to me and I was becoming aware of the fact that I had a raging sugar/food addiction. I am intimately aware of the impact food has on our body and on our minds. Even a few days of binging on sugar and starches leads to an almost overwhelming depression. But this became a cycle for me. Binge for a few days or weeks, get fed up, try to clean up my diet, make it a couple of days before the food demons would consume me and then the cycle would start all over again. Binge, become disgusted with how I look and felt, clean up my act, hit the carb flu wall or mental cravings, rinse, repeat until here I am today. and ever time I tried and failed I would best myself up for being weak willed and unable to change and then binge even more to sooth my pain. A vicious cycle. A slow death.

    So here I am today, posting all of my embarrassments and failings for the world to see, or at least the PB one, in an effort to garner the support and encouragement that I need to break this vicious cycle. I can't live like this any longer. I can't continue to die a little each day as this consumes me. I want my life back! I want to wake up every day living the life that I love and loving the life that I live, free. Free from food obsession. Free of self disgust and hate. I want to love my body and love myself and it starts here, today. Today I break the vicious cycle. Today I take baby steps, one foot in front of the other each day until the days turn into weeks, the weeks into months and the the months into a lifetime. I want to stop focussing on the challenges and the losses and the discomfort of change and start focussing on the ease and the gains of living the life that I love. I have no illusions about the challenges I will face, having good days and bad, but I have allowed myself to create an illusion of how difficult and painful this process must be and in doing so I have created more challenges. So today I open myself up to the possibility that this can in fact be a positive, happy experience full of positive and happy change. Instead of hardships I can make the choice to see any challenges I face as opportunities to show myself just how strong and beautiful I can be!

    So here I go. Welcome to my ride. Thank you for joining me on this adventure...

    Sky
    "The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step..." ~ Laozi

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    Day 2:

    Today was not my best day but nor was it my worst. Breakfast and lunch went well but my evening slid back into my usual habit and routine. But I am choosing to celebrate my successes and accept my failures and move on. Tomorrow is a new day and I will continue to try for the better ever day I wake up breathing. I came to realize today the not only do I have food addictions that I must challenge but that I also have psychological routines and attachments that I must challenge as well. The mind is just as powerful as the body and so are its addictions. I've been using food to feel, numb and cope for far too long. So I go to bed tonight once again feeling disgustingly full and bloated but I also go to bed with the knowledge that tomorrow can be a new day and I can choose to make a change. I can choose to be different and I will keep striving...

    To a new and better day tomorrow full of new opportunities and perhaps a brighter future...

    Sky
    "The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step..." ~ Laozi

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    Oh, and I just bit the bullet and signed on for PrimalCon 2013! Yay! No excuses! Time to heal, time to change, time to grow! Time to create the life I love! No excuses! My goal; to show up at PrimalCon 2013 looking, feeling and living my best ever!

    Sky
    "The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step..." ~ Laozi

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    Day 3:

    Woke up and did a PEM work out circuit style. The rest of the day kinda went down hill from there. But moving on. Have a camping trip planned for this weekend and I'm planning on using that has a chance to break my routine and cleanse the body and mind. I'll be bring nothing but primal foods, no other options. I hope to give myself a three day fresh start. Nothing like carb flu while camping but I don't really care if the end result is a fresh start and a new opportunity. Good night PB Community...
    "The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step..." ~ Laozi

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    Good luck on your camping trip. Sometimes being forced to do something (not eating bad food since you only brought primal foods) is what we need to get started.

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    It's either that or handcuffing myself to the bed. I'll try the camping version first. Besides, I'm going to one of the most amazingly beautiful places in Washington and my friends have all been warned. I'm hoping that the change of habit and scenery will be a good place to start. Thank you for the support!
    "The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step..." ~ Laozi

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    Day 4:

    Woke up today and did yoga. Doesn't sound like much but it was a good start for me. Spent a lot of time thinking about this weekend and the changes ahead of me. As for food, I admit I allowed myself some "last supper" eating. Not proud, but I'm also done with beating myself up about it. Doing so hasn't gotten me anywhere but unhappy before and I'm tired of doing it. Purchased some good Primal foods for my camping trip and I stood up for my needs and told my co-campers that if the wanted to have all the bread, buns, sugar snacks, s'mores etc., they'd need to provide it for themselves and keep it out of sight from me. Gotta love friends who take that in stride with a smile (though perhaps they're afraid I won't cook for them anymore if they don't as I'm always the camp cooking wench ). So I'm going into my weekend with some faith that everything will work out as it should, some hope and a smile.

    My goals: Eat Primally for all three days of my camping trip, detox the body, mind and spirit in nature and breathe through any anxiety that comes up if I have the desire to binge and rather than act on the urge, acknowledge it, breathe through it and make a different choice. I have a choice. I've always had a choice. And now I finally know it.

    Good night PB....

    Sky
    "The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step..." ~ Laozi

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    Ok, there is so much to catch up on I don't even know where to begin but sleep is fast approaching. I had many a learning experience this weekend and I've decided to restart my PB 21-Day challenge today. It may sound odd but I really want to commit to all of the daily food and lifestyle challenges throughout the 21 days and my camping trip this last weekend made that near impossible. So today is my 21-day primal challenge reboot and I feel good about it.

    Day 1:

    I ate well and I'm going to bed binge free.

    I did 30 minutes of yoga today and a lot of walking around to increase my daily movement.

    I didn't do any shopping for primal essentials so tomorrow I am going to work on getting a pull up bar and some other workout essentials.

    I purchased good clean primal food to get me through tomorrow until I can go shopping again and I made a crust less spinach, mushroom and onion kiesh to go with baked bacon for my breakfasts this week.

    All in all I feel positive and I feel like I was productive. I'm looking forward to another positive day tomorrow. More on my camping trip and my learning experiences on life, love and the pursuit of happiness tomorrow. Until then...

    Goodnight PB community.

    Sky
    "The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step..." ~ Laozi

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    Day 2 and once again I find myself short on time but I wanted to report.

    Eating was good today. Day 2 without a binge. I worked very hard on honoring my hunger and eating Primally when hungry rather than restricting. This new skill of listening to my body will take time and practice but I have hope and am closing the day feeling positive.

    Purchased a pull up bar tomorrow for my PEM workout.

    I went outside and hiked 3 miles for my moderate duration aerobic exercise. It was nice and I'm glad I made myself do it even if I did manage to get a little lost along the way.

    Came home and made a recipe from Practical Paleo for dinner and I will be using the left overs for my lunches the next couple of days. That felt good.

    All in all it was a positive day. Feeling a little tired and worn out with a little muscle fatigue but I'm sure that's a little bit of carb flu kicking in. PMS didn't help much and made for some extra hunger and cravings but again I ate well and chose primal foods when I was hungry and really allowed myself to slow down and eat mindfully. This is a huge step for me and I'm feeling good bout it.

    Again, so much more to report but I'll have to save it for another day. Staying strong and keeping on. Wish me luck!

    Sky
    "The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step..." ~ Laozi

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    PrimalCon New York
    Day 3:

    Another rush but staying strong. I ate well and worked hard at listening to my body while feeding myself reale whole foods. Another day binge free.

    I woke up and did my a PEM workout with my new pull up bar. God I am such a girl! Couldn't do a push up if you lit a fire under my arse! How depressing. But I'm not letting that stop me. I'll keep working at it and trying.

    I already don't eat fast or frozen food so that's a check.

    I asked a friend to dinner for the primal celebration dinner on day six, check.

    I went on a 3.8 mile walk with a friend around the Kirkland waterfront and grabbed some zucchini at the farmers market for dinner tomorrow. Did a few unexpected cartwheels and a brief run into the lake. Spontaneous play, check.

    Had dinner out at a restaurant. That was more challenging than I expected. The waiter thought I was daft. Food wasnt so great either. May try to keep my meals closer to home for a little while.

    All in all agood day minus a few aches and pains. But those to shall pass. A little low on energy still and didn't sleep well last night but I'm hoping that will get better with time.

    Need to work on having more patience with myself and remembering that I didn't get her over night and that healing the mind, body and spirit will also take some time. Also need to keep working on quieting the negative self talk. Always a work in progress.

    Here's to a positive and successful day 4. Goodnight PB.

    SKY
    "The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step..." ~ Laozi

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