Sup & Adrigg... keep on keeping on, ladies. We're all fighters here. I dunno if it's a good fight we're fighting, but at least we're all fighting it together. Girl power and stuff.
Today I noticed, explicitly, that while it's incredibly appealing to eat some small sugary item when I know I'll give myself permission to eat THE REST OF THE HOUSE afterwards, it causes me more than a little frustration to tell myself that I'm going to eat just that one thing and then NOT give myself permission to binge. Make sense?
Like... okay, say I end up eating two or three or four sugary things, instead of just one. Still no permission. I've just stopped allowing it. If I'm going to eat something I probably shouldn't eat, or several somethings, then I'm just going to have to live with that moderately "bad," moderately WANT-MORE-inducing amount. Man, sitting in the middle zone like that is frustrating when you live in extremes...
But I have a feeling that by allowing myself to have an oversized, indulgent sugarfest every time I slip up just a little bit, I've been enforcing a pretty potent reward system for slip-ups. Like Bess reiterated, it's a comforting cycle in its predictable rewards.
Of course, it's not as easy as just saying "nope, can't binge, just can't do it, sorry." The desire is still there, and it tugs at me pretty strongly. I really just have to give myself a moment-by-moment pep talk, and remind myself that my goal right now--my biggest goal--is to quit thinking in extremes and just allow gray areas to exist.
I think that writing all of this stuff out the past couple of days has really helped me to get a more coherent idea of what I need to do, which is nice. The boyfriend is still preparing my meals for me, since he's a stand-up guy like that. Obviously I was able to overcome my cereal snack yesterday, and today I was resolved to do the same. Lo and behold, I stood strong in the face of a few bites of cheesy scalloped potatoes (UUHHHHHH <- my happy food noise) and some clandestine coleslaw. The binge narrative was definitely running through my head, particularly since I had to buy groceries this evening. "Just get some of that candy, some ice cream too, who cares? Oh my god, Mounds. Oh my god, GUMMI LIFESAVERS? Wow, I didn't even know Ben and Jerry's MADE that flavor..."
But I didn't, and I'm okay. And now I'm going to bed.