J O U R N AL nr II --- Erik's (888erkan888)) page

[888erkan888]

My journal, to motivate me and becouse its nice to write stuff down.

I have alot of things to fix... Oh and I bought the book 90 day journal.. that will help me.

So now i begin with my journal. I will try to write atleast every other day.


KABOOOOM... here I am, now I start. There, I promised myself...

[888erkan888]

I start already:

I have become addicted to energydrinks and Ive been drinking a bunch of them every day for several weeks now. I have gained some weight and I am very unfit. I suffer with depression but mentally i have improved but I would be so much better if I took care of myself.

Going low-carb now will make me feel really bad but its just a phase.. So I will go through with that.

So first... get rid of caffeine and sugar addiction, and start taking walks. Thats a start!

[888erkan888]

I had a few bad days... I was not at home, a person upset me, I was tired...

But now I got the power in me. Screw you Headache, you're not going to win. Screw you, tiredness, you can retreat right now. Im forcing myself on low power but it will soon become easier. This raging headache makes me feel like my day isn't real.
Low-carbing can really be a bitch.

Viva la Low caarbo---------............

I'm also peeing all the time. I gained some weight, so it makes sense.

My plan is to take it easy for maybe a week or two then begin to get into this primal journal book. But I will take a shirtless picture maybe tomorrow already... (I dont want to wait until I begin with the journal, and already lost a bit of weight... I want maximum change visible!)

Hmmm... do I need to add something more? I think I'm falling in love, first time.. and I'm 22.

I try to decide if I should get myself some iron weights or just settle with learning bodyweight exercises. Those are cheaper offcourse, but there's something about weights that I just like... I think if something with exercise makes someone motivated it's worth it's price. Especially for me=)


Now I will continue... making myself happy... I got the fire inside!

[Richardmac]

Well done, dont let that fire go out!!

Richard

[888erkan888]

Thanks for support Richard!


Today I had a great day. Spent most of it in the nature with a freind, we made a fire and ate sausage. I carried alot of heavy branches and climbed trees. Buildt a place to sit too high in a tree, so some heavy lifting there too.

I was happy all the day!! I ran round and hitted trees with a stick, just got lost in it all. It was wonderful. I want to return soon to this place... it was a place I was at alot as a child too. Its near a big lake so its a great view, and it has a very tiny beach too.

I love life... I have this enomours desire to truly live and feel life... it feels like I've spent so much time being sad and miserable I need to catch up!! BIIIIG time.

I also love myself, which feels so good as I've spent so much time hating myself... with zero self esteem, zero confidence, zero appreciation for anything that comes on my road... It's amazing, the journey I've made inside my mind. I feel like I'm evolving at the speed of LIGHT and more and more am I able to unleash my true personality, my true self. The real me!

Sometimes a memory from the past year comes back... often a bad one. And I can't believe how much I've changed, and how more able I am to function and see things logical. And it's both horrifying and gratifying to fully see the twisted circles my stressed hurting mind was stuck in...

Now I feel like I love everything. About people, about life, about me... or maybe I should use "accepting". There are fucking crap bullshit stuff that's happening to people, but I accept this is the world.

I also accept all the horrors I've been through. It was an awful journey for me and it felt like it was destroying me, I still have some trauma but I'm grateful for it becouse maybe otherwise I wouldn't be the person I am today. I was a shattered human being but now I'm building myself... In some ways, even raising myself I would say. Becouse no one really did when I was a child.
I decide myself who I want to be and no one can ever stop me!

And I got the FIRE inside!!


I will try to make tomorrow even better.

[888erkan888]

Ive been feeling very very bad, really stressed out and anxious and just overall so depressed!!


Kicking the energydrink-habit is so hard... next week therapy starts after a long break so I hope that will give me some motivation and support.

Im not bipolar but my mood is really shaky, but the problem is I always gets triggered becouse Im so uncomfortable most of the times.

I need the therapy, I really need my psychs. I have alot of anger inside... at all the people who didnt help me when I was young and after all the trauma Ive become this unstable adult I am today. If I can get better habits when ever I feel so stressed out and anxious, stay primal, then I can truly finish the work to solve all these emotional problems.

I will however work as an art-teacher at another summercamp, earn some money, so thats really nice. Tomorrow Ill start with kicking the energydrinks and try to clean myself up a bit.


Its a hard life, but it gets easier.

[Richardmac]

Ive been feeling very very bad, really stressed out and anxious and just overall so depressed!!


Kicking the energydrink-habit is so hard... next week therapy starts after a long break so I hope that will give me some motivation and support.

Im not bipolar but my mood is really shaky, but the problem is I always gets triggered becouse Im so uncomfortable most of the times.

I need the therapy, I really need my psychs. I have alot of anger inside... at all the people who didnt help me when I was young and after all the trauma Ive become this unstable adult I am today. If I can get better habits when ever I feel so stressed out and anxious, stay primal, then I can truly finish the work to solve all these emotional problems.

I will however work as an art-teacher at another summercamp, earn some money, so thats really nice. Tomorrow Ill start with kicking the energydrinks and try to clean myself up a bit.


Its a hard life, but it gets easier.

You should be proud of yourself for wanting to make a change. I often see peoples mood swinging because of carb fluctuations. Carbs are great at releasing Seratonin (the happy hormone). This is what is found in happy pills. What you have to do is replace the need for pill intervention with food. Cut out carbs that spike suger and insulin levels and give you a feel goo Seratonin hit followed by a crash and burn (anger, tiredness etc follows). Instead eat more fat. There is about 9 calories per gram of fat compared to 4 calories per gram of carbs. Fat is a longer lasting energy source and Grok will be happy knowing your eating it.

Richard

[888erkan888]

You should be proud of yourself for wanting to make a change. I often see peoples mood swinging because of carb fluctuations. Carbs are great at releasing Seratonin (the happy hormone). This is what is found in happy pills. What you have to do is replace the need for pill intervention with food. Cut out carbs that spike suger and insulin levels and give you a feel goo Seratonin hit followed by a crash and burn (anger, tiredness etc follows). Instead eat more fat. There is about 9 calories per gram of fat compared to 4 calories per gram of carbs. Fat is a longer lasting energy source and Grok will be happy knowing your eating it.

Richard

Thanks for your motivating reply!

I only tried a pill called Lamotrigin, but I disliked them and didn't feel a great effect at all.
So just as you say, I view food as my medicine. But I shouldn't aim for a perfect diet yet, right now it would make me uncomfortable. But I probably eat pretty clean already.



Right now I'm doing really good.

I'm eating pretty okay, not superclean but I've definelty kicked the sugar-caffeine addiction and I'm in ketosis. I'm pretty sleepy but it will pass I'm sure. I also exercise lightly again. I took a run in my FF's today, it was really nice.

I eat lots of eggs, clean red meat and some fish, but also some not so good meat such as bacon or high-protein sausage. I eat turkish high-fat yoghurt also. The yoghurt and sausage is nice becouse I can eat it cold right out of the fridge...

I eat a bit of that and atleast one cooked meal which is basicly some meat, like a healthy one like fish, and loads of veggies. I take omega 3-capsules and vitamin D. I also suntan (in one of thise machines) as I believe it affects my mood, plus it feels simply good. I've become pretty tan after all this tanning. But I decided to stop after a while so I don't overdo it. But my skin is not so pale so I can probably handle it well.

I will buy a weightpole and weights, second hand, and I really really look forward to it! I got this inner vision of being a dedicated "Starting Strength" follower. I have to look for a bench I guess too.

I will visit a freind in another part of Sweden on saturday. It's good to stay in touch as many of my freinds left my town.

I've also made alot of new freinds... I got a bit of social anxiety so it's weird to me but I'm very happy about it! And I'm overcoming my social anxiety too. I really dislike it... I'm a really social person, the real me.



Now I'm really looking forward to it all... the artcourses, teaching, my new freinds, exercising, the girl I kinda like, being the best me...
I don't believe in fate, but I somehow feel like it's fate... and right now I feel like the future is looking happy to motivate me!