Why am I here? The short answer is, I'm sick of feeling like sh*t.
The long answer: Been wrestling with depression since the Puberty Fairy visited, lo many, many, many years ago. Damn you Puberty Fairy! I still haven't forgiven you! (In my imagination she looks something like Snooki.)
My go-to strategies to make myself feel better:
Sort of the anti-Eat-Pray-Love when I think about it...except for the eat part.
- Eat (preferably things containing both sugar and wheat)
- Drink (at my worst, 2 bottles of wine a dayÖI havenít admitted that to anyone before now)
- Immerse myself in mindless digital entertainment (iTunes is like my crack dealer)
- Go to bed and stare at my ceiling until I feel better (or what I call ĎJapanese bed therapyí Ė sounds so much more acceptable doesnít it?)
Of course pretty much all of the above just make things worse and eventually my survival instinct kicks in and I pull myself out of the hole and resolve things are going to be different and launch some sort of grand self-improvement scheme in an effort to fix myself. And they work for awhile, these schemes, but in the long run, theyíve been about as successful as the self-destructive escape routes listed above.
I donít want this to be part of another self-improvement scheme that will eventually crash and burn. So whatís different this time:
- I really do think that diet, if not 100% of the problem, is certainly a major factor. As I said in my Ďmeet and greetí post, Iíve tried both Atkins and Zone. At the time I thought I felt better because I was losing weight (been gaining and losing the same 10 Ė 20 lbs for most of my adult life), but looking back I think it was actually because I quit wheat/sugar/alcohol and radically dropped my carb intake. Despite feeling so much better, I eventually fell off the wagon on both of those programs and was unable to jump back on. Some of it may have had to do with the diets themselves (on the Zone was hungry a lot and it really engaged my wacko perfectionist side with all that calculating and measuring), but also with my general attitude, which takes me to points 2 and 3.
- Iím trying to delete the Dís from my mental vocabulary Ė diet, deprivation, dullÖI canít think of any more right now but Iím sure there are some. Note to self: This is not about losing weight, itís about giving my body and my brain what they need to be healthy and happy (repeat daily in front of mirror if necessary).
- Iíve never had a support community before. I tend to be something of a loner and (the evidence here not withstanding) a pretty private person. But Iíve been impressed by how supportive people are of each other on this site, and of course, I've been inspired by all the stories. A special thanks to all the ladies out there who posted about PCOS (tick), depression (tick), and sinusitis (tick). Somewhere in all this thereís a PhD thesis for somebody. For myself, I hope that by writing this journal Iím possibly helping others who struggle with some of the same issues (as well as keeping my own ass on track).
Will leave it there for now, although lots to report on my first 9 days on the path to primal. Trying to observe Rule #6 and also not bore the hell out of anyone who should stumble upon this post.