My last post was over three years ago - April 2013. It wasn't like I suddenly fell off the wagon at that point - I think I just convinced myself that I was doing so well I didn't need to post anymore. And I was doing well - for nearly a year, but then I began what was to become a slow slide off the wagon until I found myself on my ass in the dirt with no real recollection of how I got there and the wagon not even a dot on the distant horizon. Basically I'm back where I was when I wrote my first post - barely able to summon up the energy to get out of bed in the morning and feeling like I can't bear to live this way anymore. The debilitating depression, the addiction to booze and baked goods, the guilt and shame of not being OK, of not being able to function normally.
I've been trying to climb back on the primal wagon for several months, but it always seemed just too hard. I'd tell myself that l'd start on the weekend or on Tuesday (because weekends are hard and Mondays suck) or on the first of the month, but then that day would roll around and I just couldn't do it. I did start reading Mark's Daily Apple again and finally, after reading every single one of the success stories in the depression and mental health section (thank you, people who shared your stories), I managed to white-knuckle it: this is day 3 of no alcohol, no grains or processed food and only a smattering of dairy.
Today I reread my entire journal and the hopeful message that I took away from it was that this way of eating (and living) does work for me - if I can stick with it. After an amazingly short time, I will feel better - the depression will lift, I'll have more energy, the cravings will abate. The thing that scares me is despite that knowledge, I fell off the wagon not just once, but many times. And each time it seemed like climbing back on was harder. I'm terrified of falling/failing again. And right now I still feel like sh*t. But I'm here posting. And although I haven't gotten it together yet to shower or brush my teeth today, I did manage to get out of bed and to feed myself appropriately thanks to a stockpile of frozen primal breakfast "muffins" (basically eggs, spinach and ground beef). So progress.