I was feeling down today. I haven't really talked about that in my posts, which have been very chipper, very gung-ho, very eager beaver, very I-HAVE-EVERYTHING-UNDER-CONTROL-HERE, which isn't how I've been feeling all the time. I know, I know, hard to believe it hasn't been one big 'ol primal party.
That's not to say that I've been putting on my happy face just to write these posts. I really have felt amazingly chipper, gung-ho, etc the past couple of weeks and have only resorted to Japanese bed therapy a few times: I spent most of Monday before last in bed (primarily sleeping + a bit of fantasizing about being thin and beautiful and running into various ex-boyfriends who bite their hands in rue at what they've lost) and then part of yesterday afternoon (watching three episodes of True Blood back to back + two episodes of Episodes).
Probably no coincidence that both these occurrences were on Mondays. *#^&*% Mondays! I've been mostly working from home Mondays because I've started to feel a bit crispy around the edges - not completely burnt out, but productivity getting worse and worse along with attitude, starting to get testy with colleagues, etc. However the working from home thing doesn't seem to be helping...maybe because I don't work; instead I go buy flowers for my window box or do sprints in the park and then I feel guilty. Guilt is deadly. And structure is probably my friend - although the sort of friend who wears pocket protectors and coke-bottle glasses and who nobody wants to sit next to at dinner parties (not that I have dinner parties).
Today, although a Tuesday, was still a bummer, for a number of rather trivial reasons, the highlights of which I will share with you here (aren't you lucky):
- I spent most of the afternoon on a conference call - I hate conference calls, especially ones with lots of people. In addition to the normal tedium of a meeting, there's always one or two people on these calls loudly typing or running an electric shaver or a frickin' lawnmower (yes, I know, probably the connection, but rather than cursing the telephonic gods, I like having a person to blame). This time there was a loud typer and an unidentified hum that nobody would own up to - not quite loud enough to be an electric shaver but loud enough to be annoying and head-ache-inducing none-the-less. Next time I'm bringing along my vibrator
- I got a report on an independent assessment of one of the projects I'm working on - overall good, but with one or two sharp criticisms that I took personally (and yes, I know I shouldn't and I told myself that...myself just wasn't in a mood to listen.)
- I got another report on a big meeting we had a few months ago, which included not one but three color photos of me looking puffy and mean and sporting a double chin. I think the guy we hired to do the documentation must hate me. (I want to ask him to expunge all pictures of me from the report but am afraid of being perceived as petty and vain by my colleagues plus earning the enduring ill-will of the documentation guy who already has the whole thing all laid out with captions. Ahhh!)
Anyways, I read the reports, got off the conference call and then I went and ate a sausage - a dried sausage (of free range pork I add in my defense). It was around ten inches long. I ate it in one go. I ate it like a carrot. Then I felt ill. The good news is I did not binge on chocolate (largely because I ate the last of my dark chocolate supply yesterday while watching True Blood) or sprint to the liquor store before it closed (it did cross my mind, if ever-so-briefly). So 'yeah me' (said rather halfheartedly while clutching stomach).
Then I took a walk with my dog - one of the new 'escape from yucky feelings' strategies that I'm trying to cultivate to replace my old 'escape from yucky feelings' strategies (drinking, binge eating, watching multiple seasons of 'Rookie Blue' back-to-back). And it did help some - partially because getting out of the house and moving helps get me off my hamster wheel of unhappy thoughts and also because my dog is very charming and makes people smile and some of that smileyness washes over onto me too.
And then I came back and logged in here and read the replies to my thread from kind people who also struggle with avocados and I felt a bit better still. BTW I'm trying out a new angle on the avocado problem - basically putting the onus on the supplier. I told my neighborhood street vendor I wanted an avocado that would be ready for tomorrow's breakfast. He took the responsibility very seriously - squeezing every avocado in the bin, setting aside a few he thought were good candidates, and finally choosing one - the perfectly ripe avocado - for me to take home. I will let you know how it turns out tomorrow.