Georgette Redux: A new primal journal page 33

[geostump]

For me, most of issues with the crap I dealt with from my mother made me get to where I thought no one would ever love me for who I am. I used to break my back to make EVERYONE happy(except for myself). I never thought I deserved to be happy. I still feel that way at times but I am realizing that I do deserve to be happy. I'm not a bad person, just a bit fucked up is the nicest way to put. I think I'm so nice and a pushover because I know how easily I can go into being the manipulator and I won't do that to anyone. Especially my daughters. I don't want them to have the pain that I have. I have moments where I feel the words that mom used to tell me build up and I could tell them the same things. I do my best to leave the room or I just cry. Like last night, when Clint wouldn't touch me, I didn't cry. Instead, I just rolled over and fell asleep. I've had a terrible headache all day and I keep wondering if it has to do with the stuff from last night.

[geostump]

Paula, giving up dairy has been easy. I just ate pizza tonight so I am trying to see how that will effect me. I took a lactaid, so I am hoping not too negatively.

[geostump]

Making my Thanksgiving shopping list. Gonna do the turkey, roasted garlic mashed potatoes with gravy, sweet potato casserole, green bean casserole, oyster stuffing, Clint gets a pumpkin pie from work(we ate the one from last year the night before) and an apple pie. I may make some steamed broccoli. I think that's enough for 5 people and 2 dogs. Figured the dogs will enjoy the 2 bags of guts from the bird. My mom used to do that for our old dog, Kris and he would go nuts. I'm going to let the girls help me with making dishes this year so that means I am going to start prepping stuff tomorrow. If I chop up the celery, carrots and onion for the stuffing today or tomorrow, should that keep through Thursday? I was going to put them in ziploc baggies and let them stay in there. Also going to cook up a bunch of bacon today or tomorrow and do the same with it for quick and easy breakfasts.

[geostump]

Had another cold feet fit last night. Now, before someone says take Niacin, I can't. Even no flush Niacin causes my roasacea to flare up and it took a week to get that under control which means I had to quit taking it. I put 3 pairs of socks on my feet and they were still frozen. I got out of bed, went to the tub and put hot water on my feet. Clint was out with friends when this happened. So I have my feet under the spigot trying to warm them up and I noticed the skin under my big toe was blue. I was crying it hurt so bad. Clint comes home as I start drying my feet off, helps me gets my socks on and gets me back in bed. He starts warming me back up and then Bandit comes in and lays on my other side doing the same thing to me. I woke up pretty much in the same position.

For the past week, my sleep has been shit. Idk if its work stressing me, but I'm having trouble staying asleep. I've been taking magnesium and I'm not sure if that's helping at all. Also been getting lots of headaches and have made close friends with Advil again. This sucks.

[geostump]

Words that I never want to hear ever again(or at least until AFTER I have finished my coffee: Mom, there's a bird in the bathroom. I shit you not. And for this woman who doesn't like birds(unless they are edible), that is not a good time.

[quelsen]

Well, I was 180 pounds and 'fat' in high school. 180 pounds sound pretty good right now though.

i am at my hs weight, but i dont remember being this pudgy.
sigh

[Pebbles67]

Yeah,, birds get freaky in enclosed spaces. I don't blame you.

[geostump]

Yeah,, birds get freaky in enclosed spaces. I don't blame you.

This is what was funny. The bird was sitting on the shower curtain rod minding its own business. I have a phobia to birds in enclosed places. Something happened to me with a bird when I was 3 or 4 and its freaked me out ever since. When Heather told me this, I thought she was joking. I go back to the bathroom, open the bathroom door, see the bird, scream, slam the door, run outside past Caitlyn's friend that I give a ride to school to daily, tears streaming down my face and hyperventilating. Clint is in the car and sees me, rolls down the window and I tell him what's wrong. Took him 10 minutes, but he got the bird out. Like I said, the only good bird is one on a plate.

[geostump]

Sleep is still bad, Magnesium doesn't help much. I didn't take it at all last night and slept like a baby. Was told by a co-worker I look exhausted. Not sure what to do. I'm so tired I could cry.

[Pebbles67]

I know...my sleep has been crap lately too.