waiting for the whoosh - badgergirl's journal page 34

[badgergirl]

deleted post. move along.

[badgergirl]

Right then. I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking recently about consent. Actually, I've been coming up against issues of consent at work too, now I come to think about it and put finger to keyboard in a sober state. Doctors take photos with their phones when they see something cool, just like mere mortals. Only, imagine what O&Gs see. They see us from the inside out. When we're unconscious. Imagine what they think is really cool. (As I'm always tempted to ask, with apologies to Caroline Aherne, 'so then A/Prof Sticky Fingers, what first attracted you to gynaecology?') Then, because we judge 'normal' and 'acceptable' by what our peers do and say, they think that it's fine and dandy to publish these cool pics, because you probably can't tell who it is under the sheet. And, really, the fist is only there to show everyone how *big* the hole is before we sew it up... Luckily that one was low-res and never left the confines of my desktop.

But. Consent.

Consent is not an absence of no. Consent is an active, informed yes and can be withdrawn at any time with no reason given. No one is entitled to receive consent and no one should ever be tricked, pressured or coerced into giving it.

I'm not sure I've been very good at that - not, as you might expect, giving consent - I think I've been bad about seeking consent and hearing/listening for its absence or accepting when it is withdrawn.

Brain churn two is thinking about impulse control. I don't have much, honestly. Put me in a situation where there is, say, cake. Say I am alone with the cake in reach... I will fight the 'eat the cake' thoughts. I will fight them with logic. I will fight them with diversionary tactics. I will fight them until I'm tired and can no longer be bothered. Then. Impulsively, compulsively... I will eat the cake. Not always, but often. All the cake. Feel sick. Feel guilty. Do the same thing the next day and the days after if only to stop the cake-eating thoughts. That's just an example...I follow similar patterns with wine and other issues of consumption. And I love excess. Love it. I love over-the-top abandonment to pleasure, pleasure to destruction.

Put brain churns one and two together and add bacon. It's not pretty, is it?

[badgergirl]

I'm 36 next week. Old dog, new tricks.

[Crabbcakes]

I'm trying to discover answers to those questions, too. As to a song as his counterpart... I'll have to give that one some thought. At the moment I'm enjoying the aroma of hot sizzle, but you know how it goes with bacon - the promise is often more pleasurable than the eating. We'll see.

Meanwhile, I think I'm going to dump my therapist. Three hours of being empathised with and having one's own words repeated back to one in hushed tones as if she had just discovered a life-changing secret don't really seem to be helping. Not to mention she gives me CBT-flavoured homework with instructions photocopied out of a book written by and for dimwits. I'd rather buy shoes.

Harrumph - sorry the therapist thing isn't working out. Can you ask for a switch to another one, just for comparison sake before you ditch the whole project? Yeah, I wouldn't like that either, the way you describe her.

Ugh - Bacon Man. For distraction, try Burning Man, Mannheim Steamroller, Batman, Superman, Iron Man, Spider-Man, Manhattan Transfer, the Village of Manley Nebraska, Jon Manley the UFC fighter, "The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat" by Oliver Sacks, Man Ray art.. ANYTHING with "man" in it except Bacon Man - you been down this way before and this particular road goes nowhere you wanna be.

[badgergirl]

Harrumph - sorry the therapist thing isn't working out. Can you ask for a switch to another one, just for comparison sake before you ditch the whole project? Yeah, I wouldn't like that either, the way you describe her.

Ugh - Bacon Man. For distraction, try Burning Man, Mannheim Steamroller, Batman, Superman, Iron Man, Spider-Man, Manhattan Transfer, the Village of Manley Nebraska, Jon Manley the UFC fighter, "The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat" by Oliver Sacks, Man Ray art.. ANYTHING with "man" in it except Bacon Man - you been down this way before and this particular road goes nowhere you wanna be.

I know. I know. I know. I'll get there, I really will.
On more maudlin/realistic days, I think this should be his song

[badgergirl]

Well. The pan is off the heat. I've lost a little bit of weight in the excitement, which is nice, but have also been hitting the gin in my panic: FEELINGS ehmahgawd. Only, as I'm a cut-glass Brit, it is more Owh. Mie. Gohd.

Small boy is at camp for three nights, tonight being night deux, have I mentioned how much we're all loving school now? So, last night I used the extra freedom to get a haircut (finally - it's been more than a year). So, now I really look like this:

Honest. Don't you dare tell me otherwise.

[badgergirl]

in which our heroine is really homesick:


Ventnor's top of the pile! Paul Butler and I went to high school together and back then he had a posh boy accent. He played a mean piano and I had a huge crush, snogged only once he was dating then-best friend...

Now, that's the voice of the Isle, where'd he pick up those vowels?

[ssn679doc]

Well. The pan is off the heat. I've lost a little bit of weight in the excitement, which is nice, but have also been hitting the gin in my panic: FEELINGS ehmahgawd. Only, as I'm a cut-glass Brit, it is more Owh. Mie. Gohd.

Small boy is at camp for three nights, tonight being night deux, have I mentioned how much we're all loving school now? So, last night I used the extra freedom to get a haircut (finally - it's been more than a year). So, now I really look like this:

Honest. Don't you dare tell me otherwise.

Nice eyes! uhm hair, yeah it was the hair I noticed....

[badgergirl]

We wanted to get back to the right environment, so we did it at home...

Ah, I miss you, the Iggles.

[badgergirl]

Nice eyes! uhm hair, yeah it was the hair I noticed....

Today I've got the lot: the hair, the eye make up and a black dress. Tonight I'm out on a pre-birthday razzle with the husband (our last night when small boy is at camp).