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Thread: We have been invited to family 4th of july dinner. Would you eat this? page 3

  1. #21
    Sandra in BC's Avatar
    Sandra in BC is offline Senior Member
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    This is as much a relationship issue, as it is a dietary issue. Its been over a year and your sister can't/won't understand or respect your lifestyle? Thats a bigger problem than the menu. If your sister has the impression that YOU THINK her food is crap and your food is superior, she's going to be defensive. "I'm bringing my food because yours is inferior" is not the message you want to send to your host. Maybe this isnt the 4th of July gathering for you. On the other hand, bringing enough to share of the fantastic foods your family eats is an opportunity to be inclusive, educate and celebrate.

    Do your kids understand WHY you've made the dietary choices for them that you have? Do they understand the consequences of making poor food choices? There have got to be foods that are completely off limits, and other foods that they know are rare treats, in moderation, on special occasions. (it should be like that for everybody, not just kids. Somewhere along the line, CW changed to mean that every meal must be a party in your mouth). Your sister is right, you cant control everything your kids eat...at least not 100% of the time, if you're letting them out of your house or out of arm's reach. Its easier when they're little and under your wing, but as they get older and more independent, its more challenging. You'll be more successful educating your kids than trying to educate your extended family. Give your kids the tools to go out in the world and make good food choices. And accept that they won't always do it your way.

    I dont want this to turn into them feeling bad for me saying no to the crap....and then me feeling guilty because i am not giving enough latitude for proceessed, nutrient free non growing foods.
    Don't parent out of guilt.
    Sandra
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  2. #22
    jammies's Avatar
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    Personally, I think it can be a mistake to be too strict with your own eating as well as the kids. I am not saying go hog wild and eat doritos and every bit of junk there. Tell the kids they can have chicken, potato salad or a few potato chips, eggs, and a piece of pie. Bring a fruit plate as well with some of the fruit dipped in chocolate or a yogurt honey dip.

    There is a compromise to be made that allows you to basically stay on track and feel good about the food, but not make a war out of it.

    The kids I know that grew up with parents that were very militant about anything, whether it was food, religion, alcohol, etc ALL have issues. Two friends that grew up with very strict food rules are both binge eaters to this day.
    Using low lectin/nightshade free primal to control autoimmune arthritis. (And lost 50 lbs along the way )

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  3. #23
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    Well, that's true about militant parents; I have cousins with major problems because of a crazy mom.

  4. #24
    zoebird's Avatar
    zoebird is offline Senior Member
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    Well, you have options:

    1. don't attend the party;

    2. attend the party with your own food to share and accept that your sister will be upset;

    3. attend the party and 'control' what your kids are eating and accept that they will be upset and your sister will harass you about it if you choose not to allow them to have the foods that you don't want them to have;

    4. attend the party and allow a small amount of the foods for the children such that it wouldn't be a big deal in your mind, and avoid that conflict with sister while still getting conflict for your choices (this one and 3 may involve bringing your own food as well).

    The truth is -- and you know this -- that it is going to have tension, arguments, and accusations no matter what you do or do not do. Your sister is setting you up for a 'fight' and you know it. (my family does this too.) By simply understanding it, and knowing that you create boundaries around it "Sis, that's not up for discussion, but thanks for asking" (rinse and repeat), is really the best you can do.

    If you accept up front that conflict is inevitable (should you choose to attend), then you'll be better able to deal with the conflict.

  5. #25
    jammies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by zoebird View Post

    The truth is -- and you know this -- that it is going to have tension, arguments, and accusations no matter what you do or do not do. Your sister is setting you up for a 'fight' and you know it. (my family does this too.) By simply understanding it, and knowing that you create boundaries around it "Sis, that's not up for discussion, but thanks for asking" (rinse and repeat), is really the best you can do.

    If you accept up front that conflict is inevitable (should you choose to attend), then you'll be better able to deal with the conflict.
    I would also argue here that part of the tension is the responsibility of the OP. When your ego is bruised by someone not accepting your choices, then we get defensive and create tension. Why should this woman change her party to suit her sister? And she shouldn't have to feel bad about serving chips at her own house.

    Relationships are hard, but don't let something like food become an issue. Just eat what you want and don't make a fuss about it. My sister is insanely entrenched in CW and hates the way I eat. We fight about a LOT of stuff, but never about food. I eat what I want, when I want. It's not her job to accommodate my diet and I don't give a crap what she thinks about my food choices. So it's not an issue.
    Using low lectin/nightshade free primal to control autoimmune arthritis. (And lost 50 lbs along the way )

    http://www.krispin.com/lectin.html

  6. #26
    Nady's Avatar
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    I think the key word here is 'choice'. Grains give me eczema ~ every time, but I still have a choice. I can eat the grain and deal with the outbreak, or decide it isn't worth the backlash. If someone has a diagnosed medical reason, like celiac, for avoiding grains, then to insist they eat them *just this once* would be unacceptable. But as long as it's a choice, others can choose too~ they can disregard your feelings/needs~ make it about themselves.

    Would you eat something you didn't like to be polite? Something that would keep you up all night with heartburn? A good host tries to meet the needs of their guests~ not have a power struggle over what kind of food is served. . Personally, I would bring my own (enough for everyone), or not go.

  7. #27
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    Like it's been suggested, bring another side so you have a more primal-friendly option at the cook-out. I'm not sure why you're making a big deal out of this; if she complains about the dish, say you were being nice. If she complains about you eating, say it'sthe diet you've been on. If she complains about your kids not being able to have junk food, tell her they're your kids, that you don't want them eating crap food and she has no right to tell you how to raise them.

  8. #28
    fat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Howdiho View Post
    So she invited us to dinner and said she is making fruit pie (with wheat), baked beans, potato salad, chicken, deviled eggs, and i am sure she will have the variety of pop. The olny thing of htis lot we would eat is the chicken and deviled eggs if it wasnt made with mayo. [...] Oh and btw, this sister iss the one who called me one the phone 3 months ago and said what i was doing was f'ed up. Even thaough she never asked why or asked for details. Thanks
    Quote Originally Posted by Howdiho View Post
    She never offered for me to bring anything, so that means that i shouldnt so i didnt ask. She is judgemental And very opinionated. I feel like she Is asking to still see if i am on this "diet."
    This doesn't sound like it's really about nutrition or health at all. It sounds like it's about a couple of issues, some more troubling than a blood sugar spike.

    Quote Originally Posted by Howdiho View Post
    I do take a strong stance on this as i dont need more medical issues, and i dont need to die from cancer or something else leaving young children because i knew i could have made a better decision by eating better.
    Do you believe that if (fate forbid) you were to be diagnosed with cancer 5 years from now, you would be able to trace its genesis back to holiday meals eaten a few times a year?

    Quote Originally Posted by Howdiho View Post
    Something that she said to me a few months ago is that we cant controll what we feed our kids. Well i am controlling what i feed them whether it is good or choose to purchase crap at the store. The issue is, should i let my kids eat crap at relatives or at school?
    This sounds like a single family holiday meal. Not a situation where your sister babysits your kids twice a week, not the daily school lunch, but one special occasion meal.

    Am I misunderstanding? It sounds like you are upset about what your sister perceives as a level of control over all meals. Fine, but is that thinking appropriate to apply at this particular dinner?

    Quote Originally Posted by Howdiho View Post
    I just asked my kids how they would feel if they could only eat the eggs and chicken and they said they would feel bad. Why? Beacuse they want to eat everythin. They want to eat the pie. I can see it now. Mom, can i have some doritos? No, i will say, can i have pop? No. why? Even though they know why.
    Do you believe it's realistic or appropriate to expect your children to adhere to primal eating 100% of the time, with no exceptions for holidays, family gatherings, or special occasions?

    More importantly: Why do you want your children to adhere to primal eating 100% of the time, with no exceptions for holidays, family gatherings, or special occasions?

    Your five-year-old has apraxia that might respond to single meals (it's not clear from your posts whether or not that's the case). Okay, that might be a legitimate reason for him to avoid specific trigger foods 100% of the time. And it sounds like you might have diabetes, so you don't want to mess with your blood sugar control.

    But what about the rest of your family? What is your health reason for not permitting them to eat non-primal foods at a single special holiday family meal? You didn't say that anyone else has allergies/intolerances or conditions that respond poorly to certain non-primal foods, so why are you worrying about the mayonnaise in the deviled eggs or the wheat in the pie at a single special occasion meal?

    I am worried that you may be missing the point of eating/living well. Unless you are caring for known reactions or conditions, primal eating/living is not about 100% control over every bite that enters your mouth, with a guarantee that your pure food will give you good health.

    If you are concerned about long-term health, then what you eat at a single meal is a tiny part of an overall picture that includes enjoying the exercise of your body and brain, getting the important benefits of human relationships and socializing (including social meals, and including social meals at which the mayonnaise contains soybean oil), sleeping well, playing in the sun, reducing stress, and experiencing regular pleasure and well-being.

    That means that against the possible health benefits your kids might get from avoiding pie and baked beans one time, you have to weigh the equally important possible damages from the stress of conflict, perceived exclusion, or (if you decide not to go) not socializing.

    This is what the 80/20 (or 90/10, or whatever) balance is about. Part of inculcating healthy lifelong habits in yourself and your family is learning when and how often it's appropriate to enjoy foods, or movies, or video games, or alcoholic beverages, or risky sports, that on their face may be negative but because they contribute to overall quality of life or social bonds may end up being a net positive.

    Now, maybe it is worth it to put your foot down this time to show your sister who's in control. I'm not there, so I can't tell, or maybe I'm misjudging your posts. To me, though, the idea that one holiday meal is supposed to be the fighting grounds for how you care for your family on a day-to-day basis is sort of disturbing. I hope you find that you don't need to make it about that.

  9. #29
    fat's Avatar
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    By the way, if it were me:
    • I'd plan to let the kids eat whatever (or almost whatever, if some of them react badly to specific things).
    • If you do want to take something, call her up and tell her the kids are really looking forward to her menu. Then tell her, "My insulin's been really great lately and I need to keep doing what I'm doing. Can I bring a salad or a vegetable tray to share? It'll help me enjoy your chicken and/or deviled eggs as part of a meal."
    • Go, eat what you can, and ignore what the kids eat (with exceptions as needed for the baby, or your apraxic 5-year-old, or whatever). If all your 8-year-old eats is the frosting off an entire chocolate cake, okay. If he/she doesn't feel good later, then you can mention after she's feeling better that what we put into our bodies affects how we feel and grow.
    • If your sister says something about how your kids aren't eating primally today, you get to use it as a teaching moment: "Oh, yeah, the kids know treats are fun on special occasions."
    • If she says something like "I'm glad you've stopped that funny diet for them, it's not healthy to feed kids that way" or "it's not healthy to keep kids from eating what all their friends are eating," first remember that there are no prizes for "winning" the argument, then either let it go or say "oh, we still eat that way 90% of the time, but of course special foods are part of the fun of holidays."
    • If she's honestly rude in tone or tries to press an argument, don't get suckered in; do what needs to be done, whether that's saying "live and let live," not responding at all, or leaving.
    Last edited by fat; 07-01-2012 at 05:20 PM.

  10. #30
    Blackcatbone's Avatar
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    You need to call your sister and have a conversation now. No need to be confrontational, just try to come up with a compromise that works for both of you. Perhaps you can offer to take on one or two dishes and make primal versions that everyone will enjoy and you don't have to worry about you and your kids eating. If she isn't open to finding a middle ground then, in all honesty, if it we me I'd limit the amount of time spent with her. This goes beyond mere diet, it's about consideration for you, but you have to be gracious about your requests and needs. I just spent a week at my sister's house and fortunately she's totally accepting of my diet. Of course, I absolutely can't eat certain items or I'll be bedridden, so it's a bit different, but I have no doubt that she'd have no problem otherwise. I brought some pastured pork sausages to share (everyone loved them) and I made dinner one night and helped out with side dishes on most others. I also made suggestions for meals well in advance, helped out with the shopping, prepared my own food some of the time, and they ended up really liking a couple of dishes that I made (asked for recipes even) and the help was appreciated. If you don't see this kind of thing working out with your sister then it's about more than diet, and like I said, you should probably limit your time with her.

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