Oh man I didn't realise anyone from this forum actually looked at my blog. The link in my signature was broken for so long and no one even noticed so I figured no one was clicking it anyway hahahaha.
I suppose Amy Lee has the dark hair and light eyes. And I can kind of see similarities in general face structure. One person someone told me I look like (who I'd never seen before) and actually find really weird is Ana Barros, because she looks like my Nana would have when she was young, which is where I got the cheeks!
I don't know if I can do a deload week, honestly. I've been going to the gym for 18months consistently and it's like, more than the gym to me now. I always say I'm going to and then don't do it. The best I can manage is deloading one lift at a time. So like recently I took a 10 day break between bench sessions. I've also been having longer breaks than normal between deadlift sessions. I feel like my life is empty without the gym now lol. All I do is gym, uni, work, sleep, eat.
Yes and see I look at everyone in the gym too, and just have little thoughts and ideas about them. Because that's what people do. So I don't think it's unreasonable to assume people do the same to me, which is why when I try to tell myself that no one cares and no one is looking... I can't make myself believe it.
I dunno I tend to probably blow my issues up out of proportion with the gym. I've been lifting for over a year, so it's not like I haven't had to "get over it" hundreds of times. I think women rarely do feel like they belong in that area though. Even with me being the only person in the gym who actually uses the squat rack for squats.... and I still don't feel like I have any sort of ties to being accepted. Especially if there's a guy in the gym who I've never seen before, he won't know that I use that stuff too. So he's super inconsiderate thinking he's the only one on the gym who would use that stuff but really I'm waiting to use it too, and normally use it every day.... And the guys who are regulars all know eachother but then I'm still there as an outsider. I don't go to the gym to make friends but you know, all of those things play a role in shaping the experience.
I wonder if as well, it's because when I was bigger, I just wrote everything off like "no one cares, I'm fat". I know that sounds harsh but it was my security blanket, in a way. You get use to being invisible. So I would do my thing in the gym knowing that no one was checking me out, no one was looking at my butt, no one cared what I was doing.
I honestly suspect I've maybe clocked up more time in that gym than any other member this year. I'd be in the top 5, that's for sure. It's frustrating that I still have these thoughts, it all seems so petty to me really.
But as I said in the original post, I think it's all tied up with issues to do with being a big person becoming a not-so-big person in general. I think there's lots of complicated psychology there because suddenly everyone elses view of you changes and you're not really prepared for it.
I'm the same me, to me. But to others I'm not. And it's a bit hard to swallow. Like suddenly I'm a more valuable or worthwhile person because my encasement has changed. But I've always liked me.