Dexy's Anorexic Recovery
Well, I've been lurking and lurking on this forum for some time. I'm struggling and slipping and sliding. I've been primal since December 2011 and have embraced the whole deal. But I struggle with body image issues, anorexia, bulimia (as is purging by fasting and caloric restriction) and compulsive overeating.
I don't actually know what I really look like. My jeans are US size 3, but I look in the mirror and see a big bum. I'm 5.10" and weighed in this morning at 62kg, which is not what I would like to be. I want to be thinner, even though I know it wouldn't be healthy. Then my 'sane' head comes on and tells me I look lean and fabulous and any weight loss would leave me looking a bit wasted. Aaahhhh....the insanity.
I came initally to MDA for unhealthy and anorexic reasons as it kept coming up in search results for how to defeat a weight loss plateau. But once I read more I loved the approach and it all spoke so much sense to me. I feel quite split between having a very healthy approach to food and the constant anorexic obsession with it.
My real battle presently is with the compulsive binge eating. I've been giving Overeaters Anonymnous and good honest go, but meetings seem to trigger me. I went to one last night and bought a chocolate muffin on the way home! So the fasting purge follows the binging purge today. I'd like to eat normally. "Three meals a day and life inbetween" was said to me last night. I like that and this I suppose is my goal.
I left the gym this morning (I did sprints on the ergo and some gentle cardio) and the manager asked me on my way out how I managed to stay so tiny. Tiny? She said I was the most toned and tiny person with young kids she had ever seen. I felt she must have been talking about someone else as during my workout I kept glimpsing a solid looking 62kg woman.
I'm hear to recover and thought it was about time I kept track of myself, put it out there into the forum and leave it to the Universe to offer any responses that will help.
I've been calorie counting of late which only fuels my obsession but I feel I need the control. It's so flipping boring. Having an eating disorder is boring, I'd like to get on with my life. I consume about 1500 - 2100 most days, much more if I hit a binge. I eat nutriously and well, but I struggle with eating like a normal person.
Breakfast - IF - how could I after the chocolate muffin last night?!
Lunch - A whole beetroot (cooked yesterday) and fired in cocnut oil, 3 fried eggs, a head of broccoli, small banana and a tangerine.
Dinner - I'm planning a BAS (lettuce, cucumber, celery, red pepper and balsamic dressing), some chicken liver pate (homemade courtesy of MDA), haloumi cheese and for desert a pair and piece of Lindt 85% chocolate.
This is quite typical of my diet, except for the unholy binges.
Oh well. Recovery is a journey and I hope to get there some day.