Dexy's Anorexic Recovery page 10

[VacillateWildly]

I haven't posted for a couple of days, which is good news as it means I have been busy doing other things which don't involve thinking and worrying about food and my weight!

Amazing things have happened, and I don't want to speak to soon but right now I feel as though I've undergone a miracle. The obsession about food has almost lifted - it hasn't gone entirely, but is it gone for large chunks of the day. I am still concerned about putting on weight, but I've accpeted that this will happen and I'm interested to see where I will naturally sit on a primal diet. I've stopped counting calories completely and am no longer interested in doing so. I've stopped doing a food plan and am happy to just see what's in the fridge and take the day from there. I feel calmer, more interested in the world around me and as if a giant millstone has been lifted from my entire life.

I have had some bad stomach cramps and can't quite work out what they are from, probably stress I think. I also have very stiff shoulders, much more than normal. I can't think I've done anything differently excercise wise.

Today I ate:

Breakfast - 5 egg omlette with strong cheddar, 2 tomatos. 2 coffee with milk, tea with milk.
Lunch - tuna and mayonaise salad (not enough was hungry 2 hours later), a pear.
Dinner - 1 1/2 pork chops (burnt, but ate them anyway), lamb bone broth soup with pumpkin, sweet potato and carrots. 1 square of 85% chocolate.

I am aware now of my body's needs. I cooked some broccoli to have with my chop, but just didn't feel like it. Normally I would have eaten it anyway because it was a vegetable and had no calories (well, compared to the chop) but tonight my body told me 'no broccoli thanks' so I left it on my plate. I NEVER LEAVE ANYTHING ON MY PLATE! It's a miracle I tell you.

I normally go for a long walk on a Sunday morning but we wanted to have a family morning at the beach, so I ran my route instead to half the time. I ran slowly and felt like a old lady. Exercise is defintely compulsive still. I didn't want to do it but I had to...I just had to. I didn't enjoy it but then I'm not a fan of cardio unless I really feel in the mood. So that is still part of my learning curve.

I'm feeling a bit compulsive tonight and want to pick and nibble, but I won't. Day 14 without a binge or in fact anything non-primal or even over eating. I feel healthy and my clothes still seem to fit. Let's see what happens next.

[VacillateWildly]

Another good day. My clothes still seem to fit. But now have my head far in the future - I'm going on a spiritual retreat at the end of September and have just been advised that the food is all vegetarian. It's 4 days, help. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Today I ate:

Breakfast - 2 grassfed beef sausages (a bit yukky, won't buy them again), 3 egg omlette plus 2 whites leftover from yesterday's mayonaise. A tomato.
Lunch - pumpkin, carrot and sweet potato soup, lamb's liver with red cabbage and onions, an apple.
Dinner - 1 more sausage, Greek salad, Greek yoghurt.

No excercise today, save a bit of a walk with the kids. Sun was out so got my Vit D top up, kids stripped off and swam naked in the ocean...brrrrhhhhh. Not for me just yet.

Made Mark's ketchup and barbecue sauce, pretty yummy.

Have been peeing all day, I'm sure this is an hormal thing and happens at around this time every month. Will check. Day 10 of cycle, need to pee all day and all night.

Shoulders and neck still very stiff and sore. Doing Step 1 writing using OA workbook, is quite confronting. Most of the obsession around food really has gone now. Felt a bit compulsive after dinner again tonight, had a few hunks of raw red capsicum. I can't get enough of this crunchy little cold treat.

Have been reading posts on candida eradication, I'm psyching myself up for it, but will need to tread carefully as don't want to start using it to restrict. Day 15 binge free. Amazing.

[VacillateWildly]

I am officially 65.1kg!!!! What!!!! BUT....today I also found some body measurements from April 2011. I was 5 kg lighter (11 lbs) and so I took my measurements today as well. Strange, strange results.

Chest - 2cm bigger - how? Where? I have zero breasts to speak of and minimal fat on my upper body, maybe my pecs are bigger (this is very likely it)
Waist - 3cm bigger - pretty much all obliques, I used to have a tiny waist and big bottom, now I am evening out.
Hips - 1cm less - amazing!
Thighs - exactly the same
Biceps - 2cm bigger - I have whopping guns for a skinny girl. I'm dead proud of them.

So, feeling ok about food again. I spoke to my buddy at the camp I'm going on and I'm definitely not allowed to bring meat, but I think I can make myself an omelette in the morning and their menu isn't bad at all. I'll have some smoked salmon, cheese and nuts ready for snacks if I need them.

I lifted weights today, I did 2 sets but am thinking of chaning to 3 shorter, heavier and more explosive sets. It felt good to work out, I love heavy lifting.

I can see my weight gain, I do feel I look chunkier and have lost that 'skinny' look which comes from being...um...starving. I am defintely not starving anymore.

A bit compulsive and hungry this afternoon. Have jsut eaten some grapes I didn't really need or want.

Breakfast: 3 beef sausages, 4 eggs, 1 tomato, homemade ketchup
Lunch - chicken tenderloins stirfired in coconut oil with baby buk choy and carrot. Apple.
Dinner - pork rib, roast pumpkin, baby aubergine, yellow squash and steamed broccoli. 1 square chocolate. 2 handfuls of grapes.

Day 15 with no binges. I am surprised to have gained weight so quickly, but I'm also surprised at how easily I'm accepting it. I actually don't think I'll gain much more and will pateau around now or slightly higher. We'll see. If I can maintain a healthy weight and be fit and strong and never hungry, isn't this what everyone wants??? I've always wanted it but never been able to achieve it.

[June68]

Congrats! You're doing really well. It's amazing what proper nutrition can do for your mental attitude. fab.

Good luck among the non-meat-eaters. You'll probably eat 6 ribeyes when you get back!

[VacillateWildly]

I'm having a fat day. I have over-eaten a little at all 3 meals today and feel a bit blurgh. I haven't binged though. I feel hormonal and strung out, sort of sad and teary. Now I've got this journal up and running I'm going to go back to this time last month and see if I can see any correlation.

Rest day today, shoulders and neck still sore. By BMI has gone up to 20, first time for a long time. I also did an online body fat % check using body measurements and I am way over what I thought, I thought I was 19% but am apparently more like 23%. The urge to fast and get back to 60kg and a lower BMI is strong tonight. I feel quite triggered, but I'm strong and don't want to act out with food - or anything else for that matter.

Today I ate:

Breakfast - 4 eggs fried in butter, 3 very delicious pork sausages, 2 egg tomatoes, homemade barbecue sauce.
Lunch - chicken tenderloins fried in coconut oil with baby bok choy and leftover broccoli and squash. An apple.
Dinner - huge grassfed steak (300g), large serve of homemade coleslaw with homemade may and pumkin seeds, salad. Greek yoghurt.

I am definitely stuffed full of food and I find that a bit triggering in itself. I'm dreading weighing myself tomorrow and seeing the scale hoing up again. 65kg seems to be enough.

Anyway, I'm moving forward, I'm recovering and there is a sense of grief in leaving the illness behind, if that makes any sense.

[VacillateWildly]

I haven't written for a few days, which means I'm doing well. I think this is day 21 without a binge - a record. I've eaten 3 meals a day this whole time and am still 64kg.

Yesterday I was pushing the pram in my skinny jeans and felt...ouch...a bit of a strain around the thighs. Too tight. My clothes are getting tight and this is not what I want. I read Paelobird's success story and I understand absolutely that I have been eating fabulously and my nutrition and three meals a day is exactly what I need, but all that bacon and all those sausages for breakfast are not necessary. I intend to keep sated and keep eating, but will turn my attention to how I can do this without tubbing it up.

The obsession with food is slowly leaving me. I went out for breakfast this morning and had a plate of eggs, bacon sausage (see above paragraph, lol) and it tasted even better as it was cooked by someone else.

I went for a long walk at dawn and put my old trainers on for fear of mud - and now I have a blister the size of a golf ball. It's freezing here, but am going to have to go with shoes with no backs for a few days. Very ouchy.

Quite anxious today, very sore in the neck and traps. I've injured my deltoids, not sure how.

[VacillateWildly]

My jeans are too tight and I'm struggling here. I don't want to get fatter, and in the last three week (22 days without a binge and with a committment to 3 primal meals a day) I have put on 3 or 4 kg of pure fat. I can see it and I can feel it.

So this is my pledge. No more bacon or sausages for breakfast, only breakfast meat is liver. Sparing with the avocados and mayonaise, fruit, yoghurt and chocolate in rotation. The temptation to stop eating breakfast and to restrict is HUGE. But I will refrain. I don't understand why I'm piling it on, I was eating much more than this 6 months ago, loads of fruit, dairy and nuts, and I stayed the same weight.

I'm not sure all of this meat and fat is working for me. Today I ate:

Breakfast - lamb's liver, 3 eggs and 3 egg yolks (leftover from mayonaise) a tomato
Lunch - tuna, lettuce, celery, baby spinach, red cabbage and mayonaise
Dinner - beef bolognese (quite a lot, I couldn't stop), 3 leeks sauteed in butter, yoghurt and a pear.

Rest day. I'll keep posting. I feel markedly uncomfortable.

[namelesswonder]

Just a thought, try changing some of your go-to words (even here). Getting "fatter" would imply that you are fat to begin with, which you are not, and you know you are not (based on the numbers you've reported and things I've seen you write here). Maybe try telling yourself you don't want to get fat because you aren't now and one of the great things about eating properly is that it can help keep you from getting fat!

6 months ago, perhaps your body was still doing a lot of healing. Now it seems that it's caught up and starting to store the extra food. I never restricted, but I did notice a similar occurrence after eating this way for a while. I can't "get away with" digressions as much as I could before.

[VacillateWildly]

I have eaten 'properly' today and am still amazed at how hungry I actually am, most of the time. I didn't have bacon or sausages for breakfast...and I felt my loss

I lifted heavy at the gym and followed my husband's suggestion of 3 sets, first set warm up, second set heavy 8 reps, third set heavier 6 reps. It was good, but I life the heaviest weights available to me at my lady gym and I need heavier. I'll have to ask. I'll try this for a few weeks and see if I notice a difference.

Today I ate:

Breakfast - 4 eggs fried in butter, very large handful of baby spinach wilted in butter, tomato.
Lunch - brussel sprouts, beef bolognese.
Dinner - tuna in mayo, BAS, a pork sausage. On square dark chocolate. Oh and a beetroot.

The feeling of too tight jeans is not to my liking, however, I will keep on keeping on.

[VacillateWildly]

I haven't posted for a few days...my head has been doing miles about my weight and I'm not sure I'm in a very safe place with food. Here's why.

My weight is still 65kg, my clothes are tight and I can see hips and bum that weren't there before. The body dysmorphia is on full throttle and I see hugeness and blubber. I'm scared of people now noticing I've put on weight (why? I have no idea) and even worse gaining still more and having to buy clothes the next size up.

Yesterday I decided I'd have to start IFing again and miss breakfast, but even the thought of it made me hungry and a couple of hours later I was in a foul mood - triggered by the notion of hunger. I've got used to breakfast again now and I would miss it.

Last night I ate before bed, I was ravenous and I couldn't quite distinguish it between emotional hunger and actual hunger. I had some vegetables and two leftover burgers. I was still hungry before I went to bed, but I knew if I ate anymore it would be a binge.

I had 4 eggs, tomatoes and a capsicum for breakfast then went to a kid's birthday party - where I ate grains. My friend has made a Finnish pastry speciality and I had to try them...I had one...then one more. They were pretty tiny but there was an element of self-sabotage with the second one. They were made from a wholemeal pastry with a rice porridge centre. I'm also interested to see if the wheat will affect me, it's been a few weeks now since I had any. I turned down the cinammon scrolls, the cookies and the chocolate birthday cake. She gave me half of it and it's in the fridge, but I will throw it out and just never tell her. I can't have it there.

I think my hormones are in action. I feel especially hungry these last two days. I will eat a few more carbs and see what happened. I'm craving sweet potatoes and bolognese, so I think I'll have that for dinner.

I would go for a walk now but I still have the blister from hell so will go to the gym and surrupticiously run barefoot on the treadmill (this is why I need some Vibrams).

This is now 27 days without a binge. I feel one brewing, but I will keep doing this one day at a time. I don't understand why I'm gaining so much weight, I am eating less than usual and I'm not binging. I trust that this will work though.