Last edited by Metric; 06-03-2012 at 10:03 AM.
Starting Weight: 208 lbs
Current Weight: 177 lbs
I didn't post any advice before because honestly I really think you need to get outside help and I don't know if you will really manifest changes on your own at the point. But it's been eating away at me and I thought I'd share my thoughts. If they help, awesome. Either way, I still think you need to tell someone whats going on and reach out.
OK, you know with aa and na, addicts don't really stop being addicts by going off alcohol or drugs, they start by substituting one addiction for another. being addicted to group meetings won't kill them or harm their family, so it's where you start.
You are suffering many issues, but think of it as an addiction to control over food. If you can't "just stop" or "get better" over night (which lets face it, you won't. It takes time, work and help) then at least use your obsession to get you on the road to health while you get to the point where you can get help.
You need to count calories? Use that. Make it a goal to get a certain amount in. This will be hard hard work at firs,t but make a commitment to do it. For your organs. Your brain. Your skin. Your muscles. Your happiness. Your ability to excel at homework.
Start by, for one week, eating 250-300 calories 3 times a day. 3 meals. itty bitty meals. This is still keeping you in starvation, but you are retraining your body to freaking eat. do it every day.
Week 2- add 100 calories to each meal.
week 3 or 4- add 100 calories more to each meal.
When you do this, you will be at 1500 calories approx per day. Which STILL ISN'T ENOUGH FOR YOU. But will be much better than starving while you get help.
I'd challenge you to do the previous, and also
~Connect with your mom. If she cooks dinner, go offer to help. If she doesn't let you cook meat, offer to make a salad. If she doesn't let you cook at all, make a pot of tea and ask her about her day. You are totally cut off from your parents and friends right now and, frankly, you need a support system. Don't let food and body image drive a wedge between family. It's so not worth it.
At dinner (when you are going to eat, right? 300 calories. that's a portion of meat, some veg, cooked in a little fat. I'd contend that you could be fine eating some rice or bread right now, but if you need to control it, baby steps. Eat your meat and veg)-sit with your family. Talk to your parents. Not about food or eating, but about your day. Their day. Tell them thank you for making dinner.
~Be good and nice to YOU! Every time you eat, tell yourself you are nourishing your body, mind and spirit. You aren't religious and I get. So don't thank God or anything, but thank YOURSELF for making good choice. Every time you have a negative thought about food, eating, body, fat, self control- stop. see that thought in your mind, label it as self destructive thinking, and allow it to leave your mind. It's going to happen over and over at first. replace it with good things about you, about life.
"I am healthy. I am happy. I am whole. I nourish my body." etc.
~Try to find a new hobby. I am serious. Try reading novels, or playing outside, or knitting, or yoga, or anything, just get out their and start living, hon. You are way to young to not have any interest except for killing yourself, which is what you a currently doing. <3
Please take this all knowing I am trying to help and that you are most definitely in my thoughts and heart right now. I've suffered body dysmorphia and some obsessions with food and body and it's no way to live.
It's essential that you get help. I started with depression and anxiety in childhood, an ED at 15, then escalated into behaviours and addictions in my late teens and twenties which I'm not going to post about here. I was a breathing train wreck and I wouldn't wish it on anybody. I ought to be long dead, that's how serious these insidious illnesess are. You won't beat it because it has you already by the short and curlies. Life is good, I wish I'd lived my twenties instead of losing them. I'm 38 now and in ED relapse. It's not pretty. Save yourself darling girl, nobody else can do it for you.
Best of luck to you, too, Dexy.
Or any number of things. These disorders manifest in a lot of unique combinations, and there's no telling which combination someone is just by looking at it.
that's why getting help is *imperative* -- people are professionally trained to accurately determine all of the elements of a disorder and how the help the individual into the right behavioral patterns and exercises that will help them.
getting a psych evaluation, btw, is not that difficult -- they ask you a few questions and observe your answers.
Thanks for all the good advice everyone. I know you're all probably right about everything like telling my parents and stuff but I can't tell them yet. I have a mid-year exam in just over a week and then in a few months I have like 6 other exams. A couple of months ago I went through a stage where I wasn't eating much (more than now though) and my mum said something like "now's not the time to get anorexia, you're in year 12". She won't understand; she'll think I'm choosing this.
Btw I'm not counting calories in a food diary or anything but the number of calories of everything I eat sort of pops up in my head and I can't help but add up all my calories for the day.
If I go to a GP will they want to weigh me? Is my weight even relevant?
Make sure you eat enough in the next week - eat as much as you can. You absolutely need to to perform well in your exams and to retain the things your are learning now. Eat eat eat. Then once the exams are over you can have a good think about what you want your strategy to be. I agree with Dexy that is is not a good idea to count calories. The human appetite is naturally an automatic process - one you make it an intellectual process it sets the stage for long term malnutrition.
So eat loads for the next weeks or so before and on the days of the exams, then re-asses.