So, I'm sitting here this morning (morning/afternoon whatever... I haven't been out of bed terribly long because I sat awake reading until abut 4 am last night, because I was tossing and turning from my brain refusing to stay quiet) having my second cup of good strong coffee, and painting my toenails a glorious color... a deep metallic teal green(watermelon green base coat in Sinful Colors "Envy", and turquoise blue gel w/metallic/holographic in Wet N Wild Fastdry "Happy Holidaze! on top) that is stunning... and I need to make a really important decision though probably one of the least easy ones I'll ever make.
My stress the last couple of weeks has been from my son.
As many of you know I went to TN and brought him home to help him at Christmas... and all was going well, he got a job, was working, ect. And then he *poof*... disappeared. Didn't come home from work the Friday before last, never came to get any of his clothes or things, didn't call or message me in any way... just gone.
Well... since it was a Friday when he didn't come home I assumed he went to a friend's house, or a girl's. Of course.
But then it kept going.
Finally after about a week a girl left a message on his Facebook page saying something about how she was glad that they were in a relationship now... so then I could finally stop having the "he's dead somewhere" thoughts.
(Mom died in a car accident when I was 7... I panic internally every time someone is gone somewhere in a car and is way late/not heard from. Completely insane but true. Every freaking time!)
But we still had no clue where he was.
And just yesterday I got a short message from him myself.
The girl he was with told him she was pregnant (I did some quick menstrual math and said "wait a damn minute" because he'd know her all of about two weeks when he disappeared) and he had gotten fired from his job... the girl encourages him to party. Husband went and talked to one of his co-workers... this girl's mother is in prison, her sister is a multiple felon though not currently in jail, and she herself has been arrested (all check fraud and identity theft and such)... plus she has been linked to drug dealers(scrip pill sales), though I'm pretty sure my son doesn't know any of this... So son was hanging out the irresponsibles, got irresponsible himself and missed work... got fired and ASSUMED that I'd automatically kick him out of the house(which I would not have)... so he took off to live with the source of the problem.
Husband went to see him.
Girl is not pregnant. Shocker. But small favors.
My issue is this.
Do I try to bring him back again.
Knowing that in my heart I have no faith at all that he won't do the same thing.
I can lead a horse to water but I can't make it drink.
I tell him if he wants better from his life he has to expect better from himself, but he doesn't.
He left my comfortable home to go live, with none of his clothes or possessions, in a place with no power...
My husband talked to him yesterday and said that he looked like he hadn't showered in a week.
I don't even understand.
I want to help, but I don't think I can.
But I also know that if he stays there, with those people, the hole he digs himself may be too deep to crawl out of.
And all of this is about me too.
It's about my trust in people. Or my lack there of.
Because the truth is I don't.
I don't trust people to not hurt me.
I haven't had someone I could trust like that since I was a small child.
Except for my husband, and I probably have a space of "expectation" inside me that I reserve for him as well though it grows smaller year by year.
I don't really make friends... I simply have acquaintances.
It's a truth I accept about myself.
I want to trust my child, but I'm smarter than trusting him.
I know he's going to drag me through shit...
But how far out do I put myself?
How many times do I say "Here I am, hurt me" ?
Because emotional pain is the worst thing there is in my world.
The other issue is that if he stays where he is I won't associate with him at all.
I won't help him in any way while he is there because I see that as supporting bad choices.
I will basically shun him. And that is all kinds of painful too.