Hmmm... how are things?
Such a simple question, yet complex answer if one is to be honest.
I think the best short answer I can proffer is "Good(I think...), but very, very difficult."
If you don't want ratty messiness, the possibility of some disorganized thought or really uncomfortable topics at some point below, and the otherwise colorful verbal vomit I've been occasionally known for: Stop Here.
(or just where ever you get tired of my mess)
In some ways things are great. Better than one would suspect I suppose.
I've continued to lose weight at my usual sort of slow/steady, on/off pace... and I now weight less than when I got married almost 15 years ago. And still losing. I've gone through most of my closet shopped pants and there are several now too big, a few I can wear but baggy, a couple that actually fit, and only 2 pair that are still to go down into... and I think one of those might never happen as it's possible it was an accidental "slim cut" purchase from years ago(tags are still on them, but I haven't inspected closely). The other "one" pair is a favorite old pair of Levi button flys that have current Holy Grail status. I don't know if they will ever look as good as they did on my ass as they did in my 20's... BUT, having them on my ass again in my 40's will be enough for me I think.
Since my 40th birthday is coming up shortly I started having some very "diet-y" thinking happening recently. Stuff like "but if I could just hit 'x' weight by that day"... and I had to put a stop to that. It's a lie. It's bullshit thinking. If I put that goal out there and I lose 5 lbs short then what? I feel like a failure. LOL
A failure, are you KIDDING me. Ha!
And what if I did lose 10 lbs instead of just 5? between now and then. At the cost of what... stressing over my food? Fretting if I was going to "make it in time". Worrying? And would anyone really give a shit?
Sorry, but NO. Sure my friends notice I'm looking better on occasion(and say so), but please. We would all be too busy cracking jokes and drinking, and they would be teasing me about the giant cigar I'm smoking... not trying to analyze if I'm 5lbs or 10lbs lighter.
No one cares. *so I don't either*
I'll probably lose some weight between now and then, but it will because I'm just doing my thing eating healthy foods like every other day. Not because of diet speak and diet planning and diet thinking in my head. I think that sort of self talk is very defeating for dieters... I think it defeated me for a long time(among other things, for years) and switching to "just being healthy for TODAY" changed that.
I'm not sure this is an easy sort of liberation to find. But it's nice.
That whole appointment thing, which was my last post, ages ago actually went OK. And there was another appointment scheduled, and another with another shrink. And they asked me all sorts of really detailed and difficult questions. And then the psychiatrist(my pill guy: I like him) and the psychologist(she's cool too) at the VA must have gotten together and said "Holy shitballs... wth are we going to do with HER!", because in addition to seeing both of them every other month(VA, over booked that's all ya get, pills and checked in on once in a while) I also now see another psychologist at another Vet center every week. I've been formally diagnosed with PTSD, which my shrink informs me is quite severe and that he's shocked I managed to stay out of a (locked up "spa")hospital setting as long as I did, and MTS(military sexual trauma). I'm undergoing specialized intensive therapy to deal with that. They wanted to send me away to a live in care facility at Bay Pines for a few months to go through a program, but I've opted to try and do the work from home visiting my local therapist at least once a week(sometimes more)... to see if that works first. I figure just the fact that I'm now willing to talk about this stuff after 16 years is a good sign that I'm ready to move in the right direction and finally get the monkey off my back. Or at least turn the 800lb gorilla into a tiny little Capuchin with a bellhop's cap on? (Not that I'm really sure that can happen... ? I don't even know. I just want "less".)
On the plus side... Medication! The meds do help my severe anxiety issues(also that other little issue that I got to stay in the "spa" for), my sleep issues- insomnia/night terrors (some, not 100%... don't look at me like that, I haven't taking my bedtime pills yet tonight because I wanted to write this), and such. Also there is lots of therapy work on reworking self talk and blame, and learning to deal with anxiety in healthier ways than I sometimes do, and I'm glad to report that I have been having very good success with my redirection of self harm actions.
On the minus side- it's basically trial by fire. You cannot go around, under, over, to the side of, or any other normal, 'natural' avoidance tactic that you have used for how many ever years to avoid some seriously intense and very scary feelings and memories. Having to relive what happened with out avoidance outlets increases all the anxiety and issues about a million fold. Earlier today I was shaking and yelling at my refrigerator. My husband asked me if I wanted to hit it, and suggested I go ahead and do so, the refrigerator was obviously wrong(the open door bell kept ringing).
I love that man.
Also, my son it doing better.
He is working. He and his GF are still together, however there is no baby.
It turned out that she has kidney disease and did not know. She lost the baby and the function of one kidney.
She is doing better not though, and they are still together.
Makes me proud of my son, he's being a lot less of a knot head these days, he's now working hard backtracking a bit where he had fooled around and messed up before... he had to grow up a bit there real quick there, and he stood up and did.
We talk pretty regularly on the phone.
He doesn't know about my stay in the "spa", but he was asking about my appointments the other day and I told him what they were for. And he was just so sweet, telling me that he hoped it helped me and that was so long ago and now I have him and D(husband) and how much they both love me...
And I just felt so guilty about landing my ass in the spa in the first place with him telling me all of that.
But you know.
It was really a GOOD thing to happen to me.
Since my brain malfunction I've been changing. I've changed my attitudes about things in my life. About the judgements other people make about me. I've changed my whole way of looking at my diet and health and I'm thinner than I've been in 15 years... I'm letting go of things. It's time for me to let go of this too.
Because as much as I'd like to believe the past 16 years has been MY life... a lot of it has not been. It's been ruled by anxiety, and fear, and night terrors, and feeling lost, alone and trapped all at the same time even in a room full of family and friends, and sudden overwhelming reactions to smells or sounds in public places that I absolutely had no control over, not to mention god forbid anyone ever touch my hair. The man who terrorized and tortured me for a few short years physically, emotionally, and sexually in person has been doing the same thing as an image burned into my brain every since then because I didn't know how to deal with it. I swallowed it down and tried to hide it and never told a soul, except my own. You just can't hide something from yourself. Especially not something that big and malignant.