One more voice in my head
Completed Day 8 of my 10-day yoga challenge. Today was probably the toughest for me so far, my body is really starting to feel it. It's 9pm now and I'm sitting in bed already, typing this.
Couple of updates:
1) I HANDED UP MY THESIS. Finally! The thesis represents one year of sleepless nights and way too much junk food, so while I'm proud of my work, I'm equally relieved it's done. I am definitely a stress eater. Still trying to find my way to resolve that -_-
2) Consistently going for yoga has strengthened this yogi identity. I don't really know how else to describe it - it's like there's one more voice in my head now. On top of all the other multiple selves that I have. It tells me two things. One, heck, I AM beautiful. Stop the self-bashing. And two, if you are really serious about being a better yogi, WATCH WHAT YOU EAT. The stress eating pisses this yogi self off (yeah it's not exactly a zen sort of voice, it's more a matter-of-fact, no-nonsense kind of personality), because when I binge and end up in class all bloated and unfocused, I get so much less out of the practice.
I don't know. Some days are great, some days are shit. I don't know what I'm doing sometimes - I cut out the nut butters, I end up eating more chocolate. I eat more meat, I end up eating too little vege and feel out of sorts. Then some days I just want to bury myself in a sea of fresh croissants and not have to think about anything.
Why does grain and sugar have to be addictive?
Back to basics
All these experiments with food, eating times and what not has made me realise I can't obsess over it. Ironical because I started a journal to detail what and when I eat, hoping the accountability and structure would fix everything. It helped but it also piled on the guilt when I fell short of primal. Added to that the stresses of school, and I was back to dipping shortbread cookies in Nutella.
Somewhere in the midst of this, I went for the self-imposed yoga intensive and did 8 consecutive days of power yoga. It was supposed to be a 10-day thing but I did hatha at home for the last 2 days instead - my body was super strained and told me to stop holding on to my stupid pride. Letting go. Part of me thinks it's an excuse to shortchange, but the more forgiving part says nothing except 'just let it go'. Very humbling.
I went back and re-read lots of articles about being primal. Why I failed at fasting, why I failed at cutting out sugar - lots of whys. Realised a couple of things:
1. I suck at deprivation. Tell me I can't have chocolate for one week, and tomorrow I'll be at the grocery store sweeping up chocolate bars like there's no tomorrow. Then there's too much chocolate in the house, and I attack it.
2. I suck at sticking to rules. Tell me I have to fast exactly 24 or 18 hours and I immediately feel hungry.
The best-laid plans can always backfire if you forget the basics. Primal basics: eat your meat, eat your vege. Then if you still have room, eat more butter. Then maybe some fruit.
My mind likes to jump to nuts, nut butters, cheese - but all that variety just encourages me to focus even more on indulgences i.e. Dark chocolate. Primal baked goods. Then gateway to binge.
So this is a self-reminder to focus on the basics. It's not about what you are not having.
Following that, things seem to have fallen into place. My natural rhythm: Large first meal (can be 2pm, 12pm, 4pm), small second meal. First meal can take a couple hours. I stop when I feel full, but 30 minutes later, I feel like eating again. Usually there's food left anyway. And it seems after the 2nd/3rd serving I won't feel like eating anymore. Second meal is small because I fill up and stay full really quickly. Then if it turns out to be a late night and I have a snack, I don't beat myself up.
Just prioritise eating basic primal, and let it go.
Last edited by Jacq ChocMonster; 06-08-2012 at 06:44 AM.
Eating distractedly. And fish gelatine.
Since I have an auto-snack reflex while typing away on essays, made my first meal the snack, instead of chocolate and nuts. It worked today. Although I know the ideal situation is to not multi-task when you eat. Oh well. Baby steps.
So meal 1 (~3.30pm?): leftover beef spinach quiche, a ton of vege (stir fried cabbage and bok choy w sriracha), coffee jelly w coconut cream & honey.
Meal 2 (8pm): leftover vege, super small sweet potato w boiled egg & tahini, yogurt w mixed berries, a measly 2 squares dark choc (because that was the last of my stash).
Btw realise my carb binges a few days ago has (on top of bloating me) made my arm muscles way more solid. I was telling my friend how sore my arms were from all that power yoga so I flexed them and she was pretty shocked (so was I actually) by the muscles. Hurhur. Totally bulked up. Not sure how I feel about that.
Lastly, this jelly thing has been going on for 3 days now. The story is that since young, I've always been obsessed with jelly/agar agar/konnyaku - Anyway, I found a 500g box of pure fish gelatine powder at the Asian supermarket the other day and pounced on them. Going for cheap too ($9), compared to all the other 'collagen powder' gimmicks next to it. And that's it! I've been shoving down tubs of jelly like nobody's business. Day 1 was seaweed jelly, Day 2 was grapefruit tea jelly, and today was coffee jelly. Seaweed jelly was weird but tea and coffee ones are heaven. Plus it's a good way to get more protein in and it's filling, so big win all round! Happiness. Okay now back to essay.
Where have you gone, chocmonster! Hope you're doing well!
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