Bon voyage! Keep those heels in the air - um... I mean have a great time.
Bon voyage! Keep those heels in the air - um... I mean have a great time.
"Right is right, even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong, even if everyone is doing it." - St. Augustine
Well, I guess it's time to come out of lurking mode and admit that I've been home for a few days now. I just haven't felt like posting. I'm in rather a funk. Perhaps writing about it here will help me get past it.
The GMan and I broke up. Came home earlier than planned even.
Some deep background on Gene (Gman). He was born with a facial deformity that was really awful but was never corrected until he saved up the money to have it done sometime in his mid 30s. When you looked at him in profile, he basically had no chin with a severe overbite and massively snaggly teeth. This was a face that would scare a lady walking on the street alone. The flinch response would be instinctive.
So the face he has today is completely sculpted by plastic surgery. They relocated his whole jawbone down and forward by cutting through the mandible on both sides and then reattaching it with wires. He had a bone graft taken from his hip to create his nice square chin. Then he had some extensive cosmetic dentistry to get his teeth in line. So now he has a perfectly normal face. That must have been an incredibly painful process. (He showed me the before and after pics. Not even recognizable as the same person.)
Then all of a sudden, people started treating him differently. He was addressed as "sir" and went from being an auto mechanic to getting a job as an investigator with the state of California looking into fraudulent auto repair shops, places that overcharge or try to sell you all kinds of work you really don't need. Suddenly he was a respected gentleman wearing a shirt and tie to work.
He spent the first half of his life being a social outcast, shunned by the cruelties of school kids I'm sure. There were four kids in his family and then his Dad died when he was 15 basically leaving him to negotiate being a teenager with that face all alone since his mother was a bit overwhelmed. He never went to college because, with his Dad gone, there just wasn't money for that. He found the one place he felt comfortable (under the hood of a car) and hid out there from the world.
So, inside this caring, kind, gentleman I thought I knew, there was still a hurt, shunned, angry young man with the freak show face.
Gene would joke around about having an alter ego named Jake and I thought this was all in good fun like telling me about an imaginary childhood friend. He would say that Gene is the responsible practical upstanding citizen and that Jake is the devil-may-care risk-taking rake in him. Haha, right?
Well, on this trip I think I met Jake and he wasn't a very nice person. I know that true cases of multiple personality disorder are really quite rare, more infrequent than popular fiction would have us think but I really do think that this is one of those rare cases. I think Jake is the angry hurt young man inside him. Gene is the carefully constructed outer layer personality that goes with his new face.
What I think flipped the switch between the two was his perception that he was being criticized. Some of this had some basis in fact and some was just completely delusional. Yes, we had a few discussions about Primal vs. SAD eating but, instead of it being a difference of opinion and agreeing to disagree, he felt personally criticized.
Then there is the loony stuff. He had been jokingly telling me that he needed to have therapy to get over so many years of having been a wage slave and asking me to "give him lessons" in the fine art of being retired. So, joking along, I said that the advanced lesson in retirement was to learn to go without a watch or calendar and realize that you can sleep, eat, wake up, when you feel like doing so. All good fun, right? No, he took it as me telling him what to do and, by extension, insulting his whole retirement strategy which is managing several rental properties. Huh?
I don't care if he wears a watch or not. It was a joke!!!!!!!!
And then he was upset saying that I told him not to listen to the radio. That one is just completely made up. We never even had a conversation about that subject so how could I tell him what to do?
But, every time he felt one of these real or imaginary insults, he didn't say anything. He smiled and kept it inside festering until one day it all broke loose in a torrent. And Jake came out.
Now, Gene is a very self effacing soft spoken guy whose idea of swearing is saying "darn". Jake yells, curses a blue streak, pounds his fist on the center console between our seats in the truck, and calls me every insulting thing he can think of. Most of the insults were directed at my intelligence, education, and money, things like calling me a "stupid rich bitch who thinks she such a great scholar but never would have made it without Daddy's money". Sounds like the insecure young man who never got to go to college lashing out against someone who has been more fortunate. Pissed at the world.
Back when we were together five years ago, I never once saw this side of him. But then for a great deal of the time we were together, I was a mess with having cancer operations, chemo, etc. He got to be my strong shoulder to cry on and general knight in shining armor. He was nothing but gentle and sweet and kind through the whole thing.
Now here I am five years later, fit and trim, confident and opinionated. That is a threat. A bald fat lady on chemo is not going to leave you, she needs you.
So there we were at this gorgeous little alpine lake just north of Bryce canyon Utah. I thought we were having a grand time. Boat rides around the lake, scooter rides on the trails, hikes in the hills. And we had found a campsite that had this magnificent view of the lake and nobody around. I had no clue that anything was brewing and festering. I thought everything was hunky dory.
Then one evening we ran out of propane. His first thought was that he wouldn't be able to have his coffee in the morning, a ritual which is near and dear to him. I never have really understood that as he says he is allergic to coffee and that it keeps him from sleeping yet he drinks that chicory instant stuff along with a caffeine pill in the mornings.
Anyway, we came to the conclusion that we could do one of two things in the morning, detach the camper from the truck (to save our perfect campsite from the July 4th crowds) and go down to the highway junction where there was a diner and have breakfast there and pick up some more propane. Or we could stay put and fire up the generator to make his "coffee" in the microwave. Not as peaceful as listening to the birds but a viable alternative.
So, morning comes and I asked him which plan he wanted to go with, diner or generator. There were some practical considerations in my mind like do I get dressed with real shoes or do I hang around in camp flip flops? All I did was ask this question. And proceeded to get my head chewed off about how I am alway criticizing him, on and on and on.
He said we should pack up and go as he was no longer able to enjoy anything. I advocated in favor of staying put and talking it through but no, his mind was made up. So we packed up and set off.
All the yelling swearing and haranguing happened along the way. At one point I told him that I thought he was delusional about seeing insults in things like the watch comment and making up the thing about me telling him not to listen to the radio. I probably shouldn't have used the word "delusional". His yelled reply was, "Oh yeah? You want to see just how delusional I can get?", as he deliberately swerved the truck in heavy traffic. It was just sheer luck that we didn't get in a wreck.
I was terrified. I'm just glad I got home safely in the end. It was like he was using the steering wheel as a weapon and threatening me with it. I just stopped saying anything at that point. Holy Shit!!!! This was when I was certain that I was dealing with Jake and not just a pissed off Gene. Gene would never do something so irresponsible and dangerous as that stunt. He also had a totally different tone of voice and diction. I didn't know that guy next to me at all.
Anyway, back safe and sound now and feeling a bit like I dodged a bullet. I feel very sorry for his inner torment but, out of pure self preservation, I can't be around that ever again. I would never be able to trust him again.
Even if I had been a total bitch on wheels and had relentlessly nagged him about everything, it still wouldn't justify the yelling, swearing and deliberately scaring me half to death.
So, I'm back. And single. Again. Ratfarts!
First of all, its great to see you back and posting! I know many people on the Forum missed you. Wow, very intense situation, I'm so sorry to hear things didn't work out. Sad to hear about this man's demons, but very glad to hear you are okay.
Sent via A-10 Warthog