Paleobird's Next Big Adventure page 158

[Paleobird]

My heartfelt thanks to all my wonderfully MDA pals who have written in with such kind thoughts and supportive words. We have a really strong extended family going in this community.

Speaking of family, my sister has had to go back to her home in NorCal. Her husband has had both his knees replaced recently and they seemed to be healing well but then one developed a complication with a "dissolving" suture that didn't dissolve getting infected. So they have to re-open it and hose it out.

I understand that she does need to tend to the living first and I can handle taking care of things around here. It's actually kind of peaceful, going through Dad's things by myself, packing up stuff for the Goodwill, putting everything in order.

My sister is also incredibly pissed off at me because she found out that several years ago my Dad had signed his house and the land under both houses over to me. He hadn't wanted it to be something that could be "attached" as an asset if he were ever to need long term care in a rest home. He also wanted to make sure that I had a place since my sister already had my uncle's really nice house. So, I guess she figures if she is not going to get anything out of it, why should she put in any effort to help me. She had just been assuming that she was getting half. Yeah. She is pissed.

I have enjoyed all of your comments about what a life affirming story this has been and agree with them. Unfortunately however death does have a way of bringing out the nasty underside of human nature as well.

[Paleobird]

I'm crying for you both right now, in sadness for you that he has gone, and in gratitude for the grace and dignity you both brought to the process. Hugs and love.

I love you too , Jac.

I am so sorry for your loss. I have read your posts about you and your dad with much fondness - such a great relationship. I am sad to hear he has passed on but glad you were together until the end.

He was my best friend as well as my Dad.

Also sorry for your loss, but so glad that you have a lifetime of wonderful memories of him. Cherish them.

I will. Always.

Thinking of you. I'm glad you were with him at the end and that it was a peaceful, calm passing.

Me too. Thank you Owly.

*hugs*
The holidays will be hard. I know I'm more than a bit worried about my mom this Christmas, since my grandfather died on Christmas Day last year.

My Mom and Dad died within a few days of each other just 23 years apart.

Hi Paleobird, I've been following along quietly, these past couple of months and I wanted to express my condolences as well. Your situation with your Dad was so like mine was with my Mom at the end. I am heartily sorry for your loss.
Your journal speaks so eloquently of the love you felt for him, and the grace with which you all eased his passing.
What a beautiful way to transition into whatever is next!

Thank you, DCarr. I think a lot of us are/have been/will be facing this same situation. It's never going to be easy.

Sending love and thoughts. I'm so glad for you both that it was a dignified and peaceful parting.

Thank you, badgergirl.

I'm so glad all was peaceful and that you got to take care of him until the end - the ways you have always talked about. We should all be so lucky to have great kids like you! Take some time and take care of yourself now.

I guess if you raise your kids well, they *want* to take care of you as opposed to feeling obligated. Who I am today is a testament ot some great parents.

My sincerest condolences. The passing of our parents is a painful stage in the journey of life but the beutiful memories of the years gone by will stay with you forever.

Yes, it does feel like a new stage. Really being on my own with no elder guidance to turn to. I'm so glad I still have my BFF/second Mom who is 81. She is making me chicken soup and being very supportive.

[Paleobird]

Robin, its been a privilege to read your blog over the past few weeks. I very much admire the way you've handled your circumstance and your relationship with your father has been very life affirming. My condolences for your loss, which is clearly great, and wishes that your clear strength will carry you through

Hi Peril. Thank you, buddy.

I am very saddened to hear this news, but am glad to hear that you were by your Dad's side as he passed away so peacefully. RIP.

Thank you. Yes it was calm and peaceful. No pain or fear, just a natural process.

Such a beautiful tribute you wrote to your father! My two words to describe Paleobird would be "strength and grace". Many warm hugs and admonishments to care for yourself. from Shelli.

Thank you, Shelli. I will try.

Robin, my thoughts are with you and your sister.

Thanks, Goldie.

Hugs, hugs, and more hugs, Paleobird. You both did this so beautifully, if a passing can be said to be so. As you are your father's daughter, he will always be with you, as he is truly a part of you.

Hugs back atcha, Crabbcakes.

condolences Robin

Thank you, Jackie.

Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss, Robin. Warm hugs to you and yours. I'm wishing your dear Dad a happy journey to wherever he's off to next. You've been such a wonderful daughter - now it's time to take good, loving care of yourself too.
xoxo

Yes, everybody wants me to take care of myself and I will, really. I'm eating and sleeping and all that.

I am very sorry for your loss, but also very thankful that his death was good -- peaceful, quiet, and quick. I like how you describe it as "efficient."
I feared on his behalf -- based on your descriptions of him -- that he would linger in this state of dementia for a long time. It happens to a lot of people, even if they do not wish for it. I know that your father would never have wanted to burden you with such an experience, and I'm thankful that he was able to die as well as he lived, in accordance with all of his values.
And so comes another bardo for you. Remember that this time and space is sacred. We will continue to hold you in our thoughts.

Thank you for reminding me of that concept of a bardo a while back in this journal, Zoe. It has been really helpful to think of it that way throughout this time. And yes, I'm glad he didn't linger on in that state. That is no way to live. I really think we are kinder to family pets in this society than we are to our elders when it comes to this question.

I'm so sorry Robin, much love to you. Xxxx

Thanks Em. I have appreciated my down under nurse pals (you and Jac) and all your medical advice throughout this which was often better than I was getting from the doctors.

My condolences, Paleobird. I'm so glad you could be with him through all this, and that he died peacefully. Thinking and praying for you and your sister.

Thank you, Sabine. Sometime, when I have all this stuff cleared out and up, I feel like a good extended fast would be cleansing. Interested?

[Paleobird]

Darling Robin, much aroha coming to you from across the world. How wonderful for both you and Dad, that you were able to share this final journey together. I can feel your pain, your sadness, your love and your peace.
Memories are precious.
all my love
Tracy, x

Thank you, Tracy. Yes, the memories are precious.

Robin, I'm so sorry for your loss. You gave your father a loving, peaceful final journey. Please take care of yourself.

Thank you, WnC. Yes, I will, I promise.

Robin, You did a wonderful thing for your father in this time. My thoughts are with you today and in the future. Some of the toughest moments come after. When you want to share something with them and they are not there. This last year since I lost my Mom has been that way for me. I spend a lot of time talking to the sky.

Yep. I am clearing out all the little stuff like clothes, dishes, photos, and every once in a while I run across something that just brings it all back like finding his glasses where he had left them by his bed before going to the ER.

what a blessing that he died so peacefully. I have admired the relationship you shared with your dad - I grew up without a father. So seeing girls with their dads has always been a fascinating thing to observe. You were truly blessed by him, and were a true blessing to him.
I pray your time of mourning passes quickly and you are left with all the joy of your memories!

I had him for the first 50 yers of my life. I will be better able to live the second 50 and hopefully more because of what he taught me.

My condolences, Paleobird. I cannot even being it imagine the pain. Please know I'm thinking of you in this tough time and providing hugs from afar.

Thank you, Jenn.

I second this.
Strength to you,
Julie

Thank you, Julie. I can feel all the long distance hugs. It helps.

I'm so sorry Robin.

Thanks, Meeme.

So sorry about dad, Robin. Many thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

Thank you, Siobhan.

So sorry for your loss.... My father passed in 2010 in the ICU while I was on a flight over the Atlantic so I'm very happy that you were able to be there for him in those final moments.

Oh, Bonz, I'm so sorry. Yes, it was good to hold his hand. It kind of makes it more *real*. Like I know he's gone and I can accept it. That would be hard to not be there.

I'm so sorry for your loss

Thanks, Lissee. Is Vienna still waiting?

[Sabine]

Thank you, Sabine. Sometime, when I have all this stuff cleared out and up, I feel like a good extended fast would be cleansing. Interested?

Most definitely. Our job stress looks like it is ending, so I'm ready to turn my focus back to health again. Glad to see you 'up and about'. Hugs.

[JudyCr]

So sorry for your loss, PB, he sounded like a fabulous man and dad. I'm so glad it wasn't a long suffering time for him.
He was blessed to have you. Take care of yourself, big hug.

[DCarr10760]

We did the same for my Sister, made sure that my Mom signed over the house to her while she was still alive. Fortunately I was able to get concensus from the siblings (6 of us). She did the lion's share of the care-taking so it seemed fair. Still when the end came there were a few grunts and murmurs. Since then, however, everybody has let bygones be bygones. Time helps with that.

I'm sorry to hear about your sister's anger. It's a tense situation at best and with her hubby's health issues looming on top of your Dad's passing, I could imagine the stress getting to anybody. Hopefully she'll settle a bit in time.

I remember going through my Mom's things after she passed. She still felt attached to them somehow and I felt close to her.

David

[zoebird]

I would wager that your sister's anger has nothing to do with property and everything to do with what you were able to have and give to your dad in these final years. In grief, it probably all caught up to her. And then the property is now symbolic of that outwardly.

It's also good that she is home with her husband, so she can deal with her grief and anger independent of you. Likewise, it gives you peace to move through the final arrangements and moving forward. It gives you space to breathe, and find your footing in this new way of life.

[Paleobird]

Most definitely. Our job stress looks like it is ending, so I'm ready to turn my focus back to health again. Glad to see you 'up and about'. Hugs.

Probably not til after the holidays. If I tell anyone I'm not eating right now they will start panicking that I'm falling apart. I'm actually feeling remarkably calm about the whole process.

So sorry for your loss, PB, he sounded like a fabulous man and dad. I'm so glad it wasn't a long suffering time for him.
He was blessed to have you. Take care of yourself, big hug.

Thank you, Judy. He was great dad and a great friend.

We did the same for my Sister, made sure that my Mom signed over the house to her while she was still alive. Fortunately I was able to get concensus from the siblings (6 of us). She did the lion's share of the care-taking so it seemed fair. Still when the end came there were a few grunts and murmurs. Since then, however, everybody has let bygones be bygones. Time helps with that.

I'm sorry to hear about your sister's anger. It's a tense situation at best and with her hubby's health issues looming on top of your Dad's passing, I could imagine the stress getting to anybody. Hopefully she'll settle a bit in time.

I remember going through my Mom's things after she passed. She still felt attached to them somehow and I felt close to her.

David

Yeah, my sister went a bit beyond grunts and murmurs. But she probably will settle down given some time. It seems like packing up his things is like a gradual way of letting him go, bag by bag and box by box.

I would wager that your sister's anger has nothing to do with property and everything to do with what you were able to have and give to your dad in these final years. In grief, it probably all caught up to her. And then the property is now symbolic of that outwardly.

It's also good that she is home with her husband, so she can deal with her grief and anger independent of you. Likewise, it gives you peace to move through the final arrangements and moving forward. It gives you space to breathe, and find your footing in this new way of life.

That's an interesting way to look at it and I think you're probably spot on. She realizes that he and I had a bond that was a whole 'nother level than what she and he had. In the last 2 decades, she has seen him maybe once a year.
It is definitely calmer around here without her. She has a way of dramatizing everything that can be rather overbearing at times.

[Paleobird]

You learn some interesting things about a person when you clean out their closets.

My Dad had a Speedo bathing suit. Who knew? And a French artiste style black beret. My folks were a little too old to have been hippies. They were more of the "beatnik" generation. Interesting mental images. Smoky jazz cafes.

Boy, when a person lives in the same place for 60 years, they sure can accumulate a lot of "stuff". Every drawer, shelf, and closet just keeps pouring it out. I'm finally starting to see the end of it. Just some books and dishes left.

I'm starting to think more and more that I want to sell the houses and bank the money and then live really well in an upscale rental where, if there is a plumbing issue, you call the building supervisor. And, if you want to go off globe trotting, you just have your mail stopped, turn the key, and walk away.

After my Mom died, I think my Dad just sort of crawled into this house and turned into a hermit. I don't want to live my older years that way. I still want to climb Machu Picchu and the pyramids. And countless other destinations.