My name is Abby, and I am addicted to sugar.

Bah! There, I said it, now it's time to convince myself.

This is the 2nd time I've started a journal here, and the first time worked swimmingly. I was doing really well without it until last Tuesday. It all started with a bagel and then just went downhill - ice cream, sandwiches, peanut butter and jelly on toast, then came menu tasting at the restaurant I work at with cheesecake and plum crumble and hush puppies, cranberry oatmeal breakfast cake, donuts (3 in the span of an hour on Saturday), more pb&j, almost an entire loaf of ciabatti, more cheesecake and ice cream, cookies, and the list continues on. This is all in the span of about 5 days, but it led to a stark realization for me - that this shit is actually addictive.

So, here I go on my quest to reframe the way I think about food. I've been healthy all my life (at least look wise - always been active and skinny), ate healthy vegetarian diet for a while, lots of whole grains and black beans (I just got back from two years in Guatemala and black beans and corn tortillas were a daily staple), while I ate significant processed crap my mom always cooked meals as a kid and I've continued that pattern. I've ALWAYS had a huge sweet tooth and lived by the motto "Everything in Moderation" (perpetuated by my mother and her sweet tooth) and I think this is going to be the hardest part for me. As it turns out, moderation doesn't work for me. Gluten (and it turns out dairy and sugar too) is like a gateway food. For some reason I still think it's okay to occasionally dabble. Well, maybe it is for some people, but not for me.

So here goes. May is going to be my month to actually commit - to start thinking of gluten products, grains, and sugars as nicotine-like substances. I give my parents hell for smoking, but it doesn't seem like my behaviors are much different - only more accepted by society.

A little background, since I know this is going to turn lengthy anyways:

Like I said, I just got back from a fairly long stint in Guatemala, and it was somewhere around this time last year that I discovered primal. It took a long time to mentally accept the idea, but as soon as I tried it I realized how much more energy I had and how less bloated I felt all the time. I made the exception for traditionally prepared grains there because they were delicious, impossible to avoid, and I don't think all that bad for you (nixtamalized and all that jazz), but in the month that I decided to really be primal I saw huge changes in my body as well.

So now I'm back stateside where I was convinced it would be easier and enter delicious bakeries and farmer's markets with all their hand made local cheese galore and tasty breads and cookies and cupcakes and cake and cheesecake and brownies and it got difficult. Add that to the fact that I am living with my parents again, and while they respect my food choices they eat a very grain/dairy heavy diet so there is food I don't want to eat all around my house. When cravings hit, they hit hard, and are unfortunately easy to satisfy.

The other dilemma is my line of work. I'm currently working time and a half at two jobs. One is on a farm in my town. Small five acre organic vegetable farm, pretty much just myself and the farmer full time, and it leads to lots of heavy lifting and primal movements. It's awesome, and come june/july will be even better because I will be able to eat everything. My other job is at a restaurant downtown, and while the food is unbelievably delicious it is definitely not all primal friendly. So I'm on my feet for roughly 12 hours every day, stretched thin and so often cave to whatever's in site to eat, and eat a lot at the restaurant whatever they prepare us. These are all challenges I'm willing to overcome.

Yesterday I picked up our first month of the grass-fed meat csa we joined, which I'm hoping will be inspiration. This morning i'm starting out with Bulletproof coffee (something I Recently discovered from other people's damn is this stuff rich. I may have to cut the butter tomorrow because I'm having trouble finishing it) with two eggs scrambled and a piece of dried mango that I'm trying to finish off in small batches. I know it's not May yet, but why put off until tomorrow what you can start today.

So here goes! No grains, no gluten, as minimal dairy as possible (except butter), no sugar, etc etc. I know I can do it because I've gone this length before. Intrigued to see what this coffee does to me. I really need higher energy, and probably should focus on fixing the sleep component as well. This week of binging has also made me realize that I think I need higher than average carbs than most, mostly because of the nature of my work. I felt incredible energy after the bread and realized that my physical activity probably warrants a higher carb intake, but just bought some organic sweet potatoes at the farmer's market and will try and stick to those (they're like candy to me anyways)

Anyways, thanks for reading this far for you brave souls. Wishing there was a sugarholics anonymous group to support me through it. Anyone in the Boston area want to start one with me? Surprised with how few primal folks I've met since being back, I thought it would've been bigger here (although I'm guessing everyone else is just as covert about it as I am for fear of societal backlash).

Have a fabulous day!