Confessions of a Sugar Addict page 19

[Primal-JoJo]

Lol about the coffee! I feel your pain. I'm totally an emo kid too at home when food stuff goes awry.

[AbigailLyn]

Oh man it has gotten so bad, and not just about food. I start complaining when my mom is washing a shirt that I wanted to wear or rolling my eyes at her insistance that I clean my room.

The worst is food though because I've become such a snob. One of my favorite veggies is swiss chard and she used to cook it perfectly - nice caramelized onions and then just cooked through but not wilted chard - and now she's gotten lazy so she never cooks the onions long enough before she throws the chard in so they don't get sweet just soggy and she overcooks everything, and I am SUCH a brat I can't even just close my mouth and eat it, I have to make some snotty comment like "oh...I guess you don't caramelize the onions anymore" and then she feels like shit for days.

Oh my god I need to move out. What am I becoming?!

[Primal-JoJo]

Thanks for your post on my journal. Yeah, I'm TOTALLY the same way. I feel like a snobby little brat too - I can be a dickhole like that to my parents as well. I've kept my mouth shut for a while, but with my frustrations (and hunger!) lately, bitchy comments like that have been slipping out of me as well. Then I feel like shit for being so immature. But I also feel frustrated because they perpetuate it as well. It's like a never-ending cycle of these subtle, coercive power relations - they run both ways. *sigh* What can you do? Those family relational patterns are just so ingrained and seem impossible to change.

Anyways, for me there's a light at the end of the tunnel, as I'll be back at my place eventually.... is moving anywhere in the horizons for you?

[primalmontana]

I'm becoming such a bitch about food! My poor husband is actually trying really hard to please me, but of course, there is always SOMETHING wrong! He is doing much better with the primal thing but tends to use tubers, nuts, and coconut/almond flour too often. But hey, at least it's not pasta, beans and white flour!

[AbigailLyn]

Unfortunately moving out probably won't happen until (hopefully) september. At the moment it just makes more sense to live here, at least if you're ignoring my mental health. It's cheap (well free) as is food (well...also free) and no rent and I get to use the car and my work is LITERALLY 1 mile away. I sort of gave myself September as a deadline because I know I'm suffering mentally from living here, but I can't rationalize moving out earlier when I am making so little money as it is.

Anyways, yesterday's food:
B: 3 egg scramble with asparagus, chicken liver, and goat cheese (And a crap ton of paprika because I took the cap off wrong). 1 c coffee with cream spread out over the morning
L: 1 bunch swiss chard steamed with steamed chicken and butter and balsamic vinegar. 2 pieces dark chocolate, probs a few cherries thrown in there
D: steak (think it was a round roast), sauteed mushrooms, steamed sweet potatoes, and asparagus. 3 squares dark chocolate and 1/2 tbsp almond butter for postre

Had a beer and a quarter when I went out with friends. I shouldn't have gone out, too tired and today I'm exhausted, but they're people from the restaurant that, for some reason, I want to maintain a relationship with and I hadn't seen in a while. I find that I can only drink really light beers now, and usually can't finish a whole one.

Couldn't get my act together to get to yoga. Could barely climb the stairs. Am going to Yin yoga today so I don't wear myself out too thin. Tomorrow is a CSA pickup day so it will be crazy and long. I'm getting really exhausted of this farming thing...

I did spend about 5 hours weeding and carrying them to the weed pile. I hate weeds with a burning passion.

Have been feeling better mentally lately...I think. Talked to a couple old friends this weekend. Am REALLY not looking forward to my birthday and kind of just want to hide out in the woods somewhere, but alas I have to work. I usually am not quite this antisocial on my birthday, it's just that last year's was so great and I felt so loved and now I'm facing a birthday where no one I really care to spend it with is still around, so I could spend it with some so so friends that will probably just leave me feeling worse about my situation OR I can hide out by myself and just ignore the fact that it's happening. My mom is getting frustrated that I'm not giving her a list.

Energy's been low but I haven't been getting enough sleep.

Acne has cleared up! Woot!

Also, just heard a Latest in Paleo podcast with a clip about invitro meat production, and someone is actually in favor of this. WHAT.THE.FUCK!

The one downside to listening to this podcast in the morning are the "Huh"s and "Nooo!"s and "Well that's interesting!" interjections from my mom. Oh well, at least she's trying.

[jenn26point2]

The one downside to listening to this podcast in the morning are the "Huh"s and "Nooo!"s and "Well that's interesting!" interjections from my mom. Oh well, at least she's trying.

That makes me laugh! lol

[AbigailLyn]

I am only going to update shortly before I lose my shavasana induced bliss. Today has been rough. It started really exhausted and depressed, then had a sugar high after lunch (tuna with cranberries and walnuts, some cole slaw that had a tiny bit of maple syrup, and several pieces of dark chocolate) where I decided I was going to stop this stupid self pity party and get HAPPY. Then I talked to my brother and for some reason all of my frustrations and disappointments of late jumbled together and I broke down. Almost didn't make it to yoga on time, entered the room with puffy eyes and tears, super anxious and fidgety, and an hour and a half later I am back to being sane again...I think.

I find it funny how everything in life seems to come together all at once, at least in little ways. As soon as I was feeling shitty and miserable, I got an email from my Aunt. She sent me the sermon from my grandma's church for this past week (my grandma died in November, but apparently she still reads the sermons for inspiration) and as unreligious as I am, the sermon was titled "happy." The basic message was that we as human beings spend so much time thinking about where we want to be and idealizing a picturesque future, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty we are so infrequently willing to change, and that happiness falls into that pattern. We say we want to be happy, but taking the actual steps to making ourselves happy are hard.

Lately I've been wishing for my life to be easier. All through college I was taught that challenges are the essence of life - putting yourself in uncomfortable situations makes you a better, more capable person. Well, that's true, but so much I wish that life could just, occasionally, be as easy and carefree as I feel others have it. The truth is no one does, everyone has their own struggles, and what makes you a better person is recognizing your struggles and taking steps to overcome them. I've already said how much primal has enabled me to get past periods of depression. Well, time to get beyond that and be happy. Life isn't going to get better and I'm not going to make more friends and have a supportive community unless I take the initiative to call new people, to go see friends, and to make myself happy. So that's my goal for year 25. Be happy. Simple.

This week I'm going to call an old friend from high school and reconnect, and maybe go out on a date I've been hesitant about. Step 1 towards new friends. I'm still not especially ecstatic about turning 25 on Friday, but I'm going to try and find a way to enjoy my day and not run from people who want to celebrate it with me. A friend from the restaurant wanted to take me out, my parents wanted to have a nice dinner - why am I pushing so hard to be miserable on my birthday?

I haven't eaten dinner yet and i'm trying to go to bed before hunger sets in. Weird...I never could've imagined skipping dinner before.

I hope everyone else has a really pleasant end to their week.

[his_chick]

I'm a big believer in that being happy in some circumstances is an active change of mind. Well done on noticing that you needed to make the conscious decision. Friends will come and go, I've definately experienced that too. I hope that the efforts you put in lead to some new happy friendships.

[jenn26point2]

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Come on! At least spam in English so we can read your crap! lol

[jenn26point2]

I will be out fishing with my husband on Friday and because I can never remember anything, Happy 25th Birthday early! I hope it's a good day for you, depsite your fears that it'll be otherwise.

I have heard the same thing about life being all about overcoming challenges and getting stronger, but seriously, sometimes it would be nice to not have to work so hard every day, ya know? I feel ya on wanting something carefree and relaxing. So much of the "American Dream" includes things you have to work really hard to get - house, family, great career, money, etc, etc, etc. I'd like to just live simply and be happy. I don't need a great career, just something that makes me happy. I don't need a million different pieces of stuff, just the essentials (and they don't have to be top of the line either). But sometimes it's so hard to remember that when everyone else around you is getting something bigger and better or is making more and you've tried to keep up and now you're clamoring for a hand-hold b/c you've overstretched yourself.

I've done just that. DH and I built a house. It's not what we want (100% anyway) and it's pricey... We built it b/c we wanted to be one of those elite couples that built their own home... Because we didn't have the financial resources, we had to sacrifice things we wish we hadn't had to sacrifice. But that was our way of being "successful" - b/c according to the American Dream, you're only successful if you have a big house, even better if it's new. Then we bought this and we bought that... now we're financially strapped (we're making it but we're tight) and too proud to admit we screwed up and stressed b/c everything is a challenge now (financially anyway).

I'm taking grad school courses so I can get a better job with more money... why? So we can continue to overspend and stretch ourselves? It's all crazy. And it's stressful and it's annoying.

Simple and carefree sounds so enlightening and refreshing and relaxing right now. lol