Thanks Siobhan. CFS could very well be a viral infection. There was a study, now much disputed, a couple of years ago, showing a very high correlation between XMRV and CFS. Regardless of the merits of that study, I tend to favour the hypothesis of a physiological, infectious cause, mainly because of the epidemic nature of CFS when it first made its appearance. Many of the doctors who first responded to it have been convinced of a viral cause all along. (See the book Osler's Web if you have any interest in pursuing this.) On the other hand, fatigue is the natural result of a vast host of problems, and if you have several of them, you could very well be tired all the time without the help of a specific virus. I am hoping for myself that some kind of gluten intolerance is a major factor for me at least, enough to raise my quality of life if I address it.
I'm not doing so well today, I'm afraid. I went to bed early last night, and got to sleep well before midnight, so I woke up at a reasonable time for a change. It should, logically, be a much better day today.
I'm feeling draggy and discouraged and downright snarky. My weight isn't dropping, or barely, and I feel tired? Like, why do I have to face life kind of tired? When I've been so good? And it was hard to find all the ingredients I needed for my lifestyle at my warehouse style grocery, but because I rely on my son to take me who is on a tight schedule, I didn't have time to find them all. So I couldn't make that chicken tikka masala last night. And you know, you kind of feel like you should be rewarded for being virtuous... Dumb, I know, but we are not always rational creatures. I mean, I'm not trying to be virtuous, I'm trying to be healthy. I'm giving things up, not to adhere to a code, but to try to make headway in my war on feeling rotten. So when I get the opposite of hoped-for results, I feel ticked off. Of course, the rational part of me knows full well that a down morning means precious little on its own, but there you are.
And then when I read a snarky comment about peanut butter somewhere in these forums, I kind of snapped. I went and made up a recipe for primal pumpkin almond butter brownies with PEANUT BUTTER, ostensibly to use the stuff up, but more because I was feeling cantankerous and I wanted comfort food. I've been gorging on them ever since. And they're not all that wonderful, truth be told, so I'm not even that much comforted. Needless to say, I'm going to have to skip lunch and forego weighing myself for days to undo the damage. And of course, being in a snarky mood to begin with, all the little things that went wrong - like my silicon spatula snapping because the handle was so cheap - bugged me more than normal.
Anyway, breakfast was basically a replay of yesterday, and that no-fat aspartame yogurt is finally gone. The Greek yogurt we found yesterday is only 2%, which is a bit disappointing. I want something that's going to make me feel full all morning and even beyond, which will help prevent me from snapping in the future. I probably went too light on the nuts this morning, so there wasn't enough substance in breakfast to keep me going.
I'm going to try to get out this afternoon to see if I can scare up the rest of those ingredients. Contributing to my annoyance this morning is the sheer effort of having to reprogram my head, suddenly develop a bunch of new habits and source my new staples. It's not surprising I wasn't able to do it in one rushed shopping session, and the rational part of me knows this. It's the irrational part of me that's causing problems today.
Anyway, we'll chalk it all up to experience, and move on. Nobody said the path to success would be free of stones. I think I'll go listen to some good music, for a source of comfort that won't add excess calories and will probably work much better on top of it all. And try not to kick myself too hard for stuffing myself. It's not something I do very often, but I do have my moments. And unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I have to 'fess up in a public journal.
5'2", 55 years, Primal since April. Pre-Primal weight loss, from 216.6 to 157.8
Primal low: 140.2 (Dec. 3) Goal weight: 135?
Main Primal goal: beating back my CFS enough to function more normally and start writing again
More and more, our life has been governed by specialists, who know too little of what lies outside their province to be able to know enough about what takes place within it.
- Lewis Mumford