I just want to love myself - ImANaturalBlue's Journal
I'm not a newbie to MDA or Primal eating - I originally starting poking around in February of 2011, just for fun, looking at people's success stories and feeling proud for them and proud of myself for not needing to be worried about my weight. That was then.
The summer before my junior year of college (summer of 2011), however, I started having eating problems; I fell off the Primal wagon. Out of nowhere I started consuming large amounts of sugary foods and carbs. I started putting on some weight, but I was still active so it wasn't a big deal; however, it really affected my emotions as I became ashamed of not being able to control my eating. Fast forward to the end of summer, and the beginning of school. I was about 10 lbs heavier, but it wasn't a huge thing. I figured I'd try and lose a little of it and began a Whole30. It was going well and I was seeing results when one night on Day 21 someone had a party at my house. We were up till 4 in the morning, as most college parties go, and in a fit of hunger I ate a bowl of macaroni and cheese. And it just spiraled down from there - I began eating crappy foods and feeling crappy and eating more crappy food and feeling worse. I gained about 50 lbs in four months, and hated myself. I couldn't look at myself in a mirror without bursting into tears and clothes shopping became a dreaded task, going to the local Goodwill to try and find pants that would fit. My family became concerned as I began to withdraw from people that I knew and avoiding contact who hadn't seen the "new" me. I was ashamed and embarrassed and hating myself as a person for letting myself go.
It's been about three months since I stopped gaining major weight, but I still have really bad sugar cravings that I give in to. I still avoid mirrors, hate being photographed, and will lurk in the back of the room at mandatory family events to get out of talking to people. I still tear up typing about this and I want to it to change. I want to love myself.
I just turned 21 this past weekend and decided that now was the time to stop thinking about trying to change and actually doing it. This is my commitment to making that happen.
Pictures to come soon
Why, oh WHY is your goal weight 98 pounds? We're here to support you, but that's optimum health!
It's more like a range between 98-102, but that's where I was at the end of my sophomore year before I "fell down the rabbit hole", as I put it
Rereading this, I sound like the most depressing downer of a person ever haha. I'm really not. I just want to change how I see myself. It's hard going from looking like an "after" picture to a "before" and changing your mentality about it.
Oh girl, I know what you're going through.
My first bit of advice- ditch the goal weight. It's not that I want to sound pessimistic, but... what if you never reach that goal weight? Can you be happy with that. What if fate said you will always weigh 156 pounds? Can you live with that?
My lowest weight was 125 pounds. I now weigh 165 pounds, and it's not all muscle gain. There are days I feel like an absolute Primal failure. Sometimes I fall off the wagon and eat things I know aren't Primal. I hate the way I look when I'm undressed, but at the same time I refuse to beat myself up, restrict, withhold, and agonize.
Here's a bit of something that spilled out of my brain the other night...
The Wilderness Childe: When You Feel Broken
I hope you can find peace with yourself, no matter your size or shape. Many of us are struggling to do the same.
Thanks for the article read, it mirrored a lot of what I'd been feeling the past few months.
Originally Posted by Diana Renata
I just want to get to a point where I'm proud of myself and how I look, wherever that ends up being
my best weight was 100 lbs ( I'm 5'1) from my mid twenties to the mid thirties. Now? I don't know if I can ever reach that, or if I'll even look good at that weight now. My advice for what it's worth? Look at the inches, not the lbs.