Justaseeker's Journal page 16

[justaseeker]

I am sorry that your father's death brings back the thoughts of how it could have been different. Will you go to or be involved in the services? I imagine it could be hard to hear people say good things about him but also a relief on some small level to have that evidence that he is really gone.

Thanks, Pam. No, I won't be going to the service. The most stressful part of the situation for me is dealing with the dysfunctional people who were in his life and all the chaos/destruction left in his wake. Hard enough on the phone and in email - not going to expose myself to more of it in person.

The upside is that the reality of what has been happening with him and his life in the last few years only acts as a remedy for any temptation to go all sentimental about whatever good things may be buried in my memory. He was abusive and manipulative right to the bitter end.

Well, on a better and happier note - I had decided to start weighting in every day and to monitor my weight (have a very sensitive and accurate scale) like I do my blood sugar to see how the water weight fluctuates over the day and between days. Its now safe to say that the numbers are going down overall - and I have lost 2 pounds!

[Gwynn]

Justaseeker,

As has been said before, I am sorry you are going through some tough times. My DH is kind of like you except every day he yearns for what should have been rather than what was.

I am very glad, however, that you lost the two pounds, and your blood sugar numbers are going down!!!

Gwynn

[theprimalcajun]

justaseeker...I hope you find some peace over your father's passing. My father & I were estranged as well when he died & had been for some time. He was not abusive...just distant...long story & not important. When I got the call a couple of months later I was just, oh well. It was a shame he never knew his grandson's. But it was his choice.

congrats on being down 2 pounds! I've been monitoring my blood sugar numbers as well & have found it very interesting! have a great evening!

[justaseeker]

Thanks, Gwynn and PC,

Its sad how many people end up estranged from family members - but sometimes estrangement is preferable to staying in a dysfunctional relationship. My children never really knew their grandfather, and that's for the best - although its always been a sadness to me that they didn't have healthier relationships with grandparents. But, the best that I could do is to try to protect them.

My father's abusiveness was a like a ripple in the pond - created waves of destruction throughout the extended family. He wasn't simply abusive, he was actively malignant and used people in every way possible for his own advantage. He had no shame about how he used people. For decades, I was the only one who stood up to him - which caused me to be isolated from the rest of the family,

I was very blessed to have fairly good relationship with my mother, and before she passed away (several years ago) we had healed a lot of the damage within our relationship. It was easier to have a better relationship with her after he divorced her and she wasn't so directly under his control. He basically traded her in for a younger woman and that poor woman had to suffer taking care of him in his even more deranged old age. I am glad that my mother was at least spared that much.

Anyway, I have to say that its been interesting experiencing grief and stress and not having any issues with my diet. I used to be a stress eater. In the past, a situation like this one would have seen all sorts of high carb eating and other issues like not feeling like cooking and wanting to get take out. Instead, this time I have stuck to my existing diet and exercise routine with no deviations, no cravings, and only nominal thoughts on one day about indulging myself. These thoughts were mostly an observation that I COULD indulge myself if I wanted to. If I had really wanted to I would have, and not beaten myself up about it. Its just that I really didn't want/need to and once I started making the evening salad I was past that point anyway.

Let's give a hip-hip-hooray for primal diet!

I have also noticed the effects of the stress on my sleep and my cortisol - which was elevated, along with my heart rate. I was feeling somewhat anxious and a little shaky, but was able to walk it all off. I am now taking longer walks and feeling better during and afterwards. I won't try to start any new routines for a week or so and just focus on the existing routines for helping me through this period. I am glad that I increased the iodine when I did last weekend - that's helping too.

Last night I slept pretty well - moving towards getting back to my normal sleep pattern. If nothing else comes up, I should be back to normal soon. The fact that I even felt like journaling today is a good sign.

[Pebbles67]

I'm so sorry to hear about your father. When mine died, I hadn't seen him in 14 years. I'm glad you are putting yourself first in this situation.

Great Job on the weightloss!

[justaseeker]

Thanks, Paula.

[justaseeker]

I've been channeling excess/nervous/stress energy into longer walks and housekeeping tasks. It feels great to have the house cleaner and some tasks that I have been procrastinating over now finished. I slept very well again last night and woke up feeling refreshed and focused - ready to start the day. I credit the iodine and primal diet for helping me get past the stress and sleep disruption so quickly.

I was reflecting this morning on how different I feel and behave these days - and how much benefit that my family might have/had if they had followed the same diet/supplements that I am now. I see a lot of people here talk this way, and mostly I don't go there myself. But, I simply can't help but think today about how much chronic anxiety/stress/depression family members seem to have or had - and all of the other health issues they simply accept as inevitable.

One of the other aspects of this situation of grieving over my father's passing, is that my only sibling and I have now had a final parting of the ways. That's a long, sad story so I'll spare the details. Suffice to say that being estranged over the past few years was not my idea, but now I embrace it as preferable to the continuing dysfunction. You know, people talk about contact highs (among pot smokers, etc ) - well, for me having any contact with my sibling (and other family members) is like a contact stress/downer.

So many other relatives have died in the recent years - and the few left are all now estranged - so that I now find myself feeling like the sole survivor. Its like the end of an era. So, the impact right now is pretty profound.

With endings come new beginnings. I am not rushing the grieving and letting go process - but I am embracing a new primal life with fundamental happiness and serenity and a new community.

Thank you all for sharing this experience with me.

[Gwynn]

Thank you for sharing with us! It's tough to reveal private parts of our lives, esp. the difficult times.

I agree with what you said about family behavior and health possibly being helped by supplements/diet, and I would even add exercise to that.

I am sorry about the final parting of the ways with your brother.

Best wishes on your new beginnings!
Gwynn

[justaseeker]

Thanks, Gwynn. I seem to be feeling better and better with every passing day.

[justaseeker]

Today has been a great day! Made the first annual visit to the Metro Beach park with my dogs and my local primal buddy. We walked for about three miles, which is the most that I've been able to walk at one time since recently injuring my knee. So, I am on the mend for sure. And, I feel great - plenty of energy and good mood.

This park is part of the SE MI Huron-Clinton metro park system - which IMO is a jewel! Each park has its own special aspects, and we love walking in them all. The Metro Beach park is on Lake St. Clair, the smallest of the Great Lakes - but still a beautiful body of water. That's where we walked today.

Huron-Clinton Metroparks