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Thread: Fibromyalgia and Fat - Tomi's story page 23

  1. #221
    tomi's Avatar
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    Friday night - my hubby was planning to be home early tonight - that would mean by 6 pm. Instead he got home at 7:30. By the time we got the stir fry done and sat down to eat it was 8:15. As soon as we ate I went back in the kitchen to prepare food for the weekend on the lake - and now its 9:50 and he's been asleep on the couch for almost an hour. I love him, and he works his butt off -- but I get really lonely during the busy season at the boat shop. Some days he'll go in at 6 am and not come home until 9 pm. We thank God for every boat that comes to the shop - especially in this economy - but it sure makes time together hard to work in - especially when he comes home and falls asleep in front of the tv.

    So today was take mom shopping day. And write her checks for her bills. And fix her insoles. And return her laundry. And listen to her complain about the same things that I've heard her complain about 150 times before! UGH! She's 86 years old. But to look at her you'd think she was 70. The only thing wrong with her is her macular degeneration. She can get around just fine, and her mind is still sharp. Except she doesn't realize that she is complaining about the same things over and over and over and over. She has a very small life - lives in her apartment alone and no longer socializes with the other old people in the complex because one very nasty old bitty hurt her feelings about 5 years ago. She used to be very active there - was the "social hall coordinator" for years. But now she just stays in her apartment and doesn't talk to anyone.

    I was the 4th child in a family with all girls. My relationship with my mom has never been good. My mom suffered from social anxiety (I believe) and after my father died (while she was pg with me) she started drinking (while she was pg with me). She was drunk until I was 15 years old. So, she never really took an interest in my life. I was in choir, swing choir, was a cheerleader, gave the opening prayer at my graduation ceremony, and was a princess on the homecoming court. She was rarely there to support me for any of it. I can only remember 5 times during my entire school career that she came to anything to see me perform or compete. I left home at 17, 2 weeks after high school graduation. I didn't even say goodbye as I packed my things in my friends car and moved to my sisters house. She always told us when we turned 18 we could no longer live with her because she didn't get social security for us anymore and couldn't afford to have us at home. We were raised on social security and veterans benefits. We always had a clean home, and some new clothes at the beginning of each school year - but she didn't do it for us - she did it so she would look good in the eyes of the rest of "small town america" where I grew up.

    So, now I'm 51, she's 86 --- and its my obligation to take care of her. I have one other sister who lives in the same town as she does (I am 20 miles away) - and yet, I'm the one who is there every other friday to take her shopping, to make sure she has what she needs. To take her for her flu shot - to put up curtains for her - to plant flowers on her patio. My sister never seems to have time to do more than stop by for a short visit once a month - or bring her something from the store if she runs out. I'm not happy about what I do, or about my attitude towards it. She is my mother --- but I feel very little for her. I do what I do out of sheer obligation. She is not a particularly pleasant person to be with, not that she's grouchy or anything - she just has such a narrow view of the world. She thinks the man who lives in the apartment above her stomps his feet just to piss her off. If she can hear the TV in the apartment next door she complains to the manager. She was the mean lady on the street who would yell at the neighbor kids to "get off my lawn!"

    The saddest thing for me is feeling that I never I had a mother --- and yet I'm obligated now to care for her. I do it because its the right thing to do. Just because she never knew how to give love - doesn't mean she doesn't deserve to be treated lovingly and with respect. Biologically she is my mother.

    I've wondered if my feelings of "lostness" due to my lack of parents has contributed to my weight issues. Maybe I'm trying to fill a need within my soul with comfort foods. Once I was no longer married to the man who thought I was fat at a size 12 - I started gaining weight. I blamed it on the fibromyalgia and the new husband who loved to eat good food, and junk food. But maybe it was something deeper than that. Maybe once I was out from under the fear of putting on a few extra pounds, because the ex told me it was so gross! that I just started using food to fill that need inside me - that little girl longing for a daddy and mommy to love her. Maybe????? I've never put those things together before. I'm going to have give that some more thought............
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    my motivation

    I'm doing this because I'm worth it - because I'm worthy - because I love myself.

    Goals: Healthy mind, healthy body, happy soul.

  2. #222
    Sabine's Avatar
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    I have an absent (for different reasons) mother, also.
    I salute you for what you are doing.
    It is hard when you don't receive a loving parent-child relationship, but at least you are participating in it for the other side, through the love you give.
    And it means a lot. If your mother had given you what you needed, (her sober presence) even if only out of obligation, think how different your childhood could have been. You are making that difference for her, and it is a loving thing to do. (Love as the verb, not adjective, here. I wish more people would show love by 'doing'.)

  3. #223
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    Kudos to you for doing the right thing. You have earned the right to respect yourself. And I know how listening to the carping, complaining and criticizing can make you frantic sometimes. I have a similar family member to deal with. But do remember that you don't have to be a doormat. If she is bullying or attacking you, put your foot down and refuse to accept it. If she persists, walk out. You don't have to be a drama queen about it, just tell her you will come back some other time, but you don't have to stay and listen to that. Sooner or later she will see that you mean it, and learn to back off, if that is indeed what she is doing. Generalized grumping at the world at large is a little different.

    Here is something neat for you: The Paradoxical Commandments.

    People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
    Love them anyway.

    If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
    Do good anyway.

    If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
    Succeed anyway.

    The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
    Do good anyway.

    Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
    Be honest and frank anyway.

    The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
    Think big anyway.

    People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
    Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

    What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
    Build anyway.

    People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
    Help people anyway.

    Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
    Give the world the best you have anyway.


    This has been falsely attributed to Mother Theresa, because she had it tacked up on the wall, but she didn't actually write it herself.
    5'2", 55 years, Primal since April. Pre-Primal weight loss, from 216.6 to 157.8
    Primal low: 140.2 (Dec. 3) Goal weight: 135?
    Main Primal goal: beating back my CFS enough to function more normally and start writing again

    More and more, our life has been governed by specialists, who know too little of what lies outside their province to be able to know enough about what takes place within it.
    - Lewis Mumford

  4. #224
    tomi's Avatar
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    thanks for the kind and encouraging words. Mom isn't at all mean or grumpy with me - and she truly appreciates everything that I do for and with her. She is rather and gentle and kind compared to what she was when I was a young girl. The difficult thing is the non-stop complaining about the neighbors. I guess if I use my psychology training (I do have a degree, don't I!) that she is probably just suffering from a victim complex. She dwells on the negative things that have happened to her - and by rights, she has been through a lot of really bad stuff in her life. She was a child of the depression, at 34 she was left widowed with 3 daughters and another on the way. She quit school at the age of 15 so she could work and help support the family, so as a widowed woman with 4 children she had no skills to support us. She got social security and veterans benefits from my dad. She was lost and scared - thank God for my dads parents who stepped up and really helped her raise us. We've always said our grandparents were our saving grace during our childhoods. My fondest memories are with my grammie and granddad. They were wonderful.

    But now - I deal with the confusing feelings of obligation and basic kindness. Like I said - I do it because its the right thing to do. I do wish my sister who lives in the same town would share the responsibility a bit more though. I mean, she's 5 minutes from our mom - I'm 30 minutes. I have another sister a couple hours away, and the other lives in another state. It will be fine - I just need to wrestle with the feelings now and then.

    On a health note: I did great yesterday! Not perfect primal - but really really close! And I'm back to getting in my daily walks.

    I got the results of the blood test. Most everything is good. Vitamin B12 is on the low side. And I had a low Absolute Monocytes count. Not sure what that means. Monocytes are the precursers to the phagocytes - the "clean up" cells. But, all the thyroid tests came out normal. Even Vitamin D was normal. So, now I will wait to the get results of the saliva test.

    Its parade day in my neck of the woods......... that means the traffic from the main street where the parade route goes is being detoured -- and the detour happens to come right by my house. Normally we have a pretty quiet neighborhood -- but in this day - the traffic is a steady stream! Its very annoying. Usually we try to be out of town on this day - and we will be, but by the time hubby gets home from work and we get ready to go to the lake, the parade will be over and the traffic will be back on the main route. I guess its only one day out of the year ............. and it is rather entertaining watching the idiots try to navigate the one lane road that passes in front of our house! They have no concept of taking turns - they just crowd their way by each other! I'd love to see a good head on sometime...... mind you - at 5 miles an hour no body will get hurt - but it might add some variety to the specticle!

    packing up the computer now........ we'll watch movies on it on the boat tonight. (tough life huh?) We like our creature comforts!
    Read post #2626
    my motivation

    I'm doing this because I'm worth it - because I'm worthy - because I love myself.

    Goals: Healthy mind, healthy body, happy soul.

  5. #225
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    Glad to hear your mom isn't picking on you. I know there are people here who have those kinds of issues, and I sometimes get the Groks mixed up! (I loves me my pictures, helps me keep people straight.)

    Have you tried talking to your sister? When my in-laws stopped driving, the siblings worked out who would be responsible for what. It gets shifted around as need dictates, but we all chip in as we can.

    B12 is easy to fix, and cheap too. Get the sublingual tablets at a health food store. Or you can get shots, but why bother? I've done both before. Last time I was tested my levels were very high, so I stopped taking supplements.
    5'2", 55 years, Primal since April. Pre-Primal weight loss, from 216.6 to 157.8
    Primal low: 140.2 (Dec. 3) Goal weight: 135?
    Main Primal goal: beating back my CFS enough to function more normally and start writing again

    More and more, our life has been governed by specialists, who know too little of what lies outside their province to be able to know enough about what takes place within it.
    - Lewis Mumford

  6. #226
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    Tomi, we have similar backgrounds. I have five living sisters. My oldest sister died just weeks before I was born. I think that caused a lack of bonding. I know I was held responsible for a lot of my parents issues.

    Its parade day in my neck of the woods...
    Are you talking about Keizer's Iris Festival Parade that was this morning? If you are, we are very close neighbors.

  7. #227
    tomi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by marcadav View Post
    Tomi, we have similar backgrounds. I have five living sisters. My oldest sister died just weeks before I was born. I think that caused a lack of bonding. I know I was held responsible for a lot of my parents issues.
    Are you talking about Keizer's Iris Festival Parade that was this morning? If you are, we are very close neighbors.
    Yes - I was referring the Iris Festival in Keizer. We're neighbors huh? how weird is that?

    Sorry to hear about your family stuff....... it can sure mess with a person can't it? I've had lots of problems with feeling un-loved and un-wanted all my life. My mom used to tell me that my dad went on another "bender" when he found out she was pregnant again ( so my mind translated that into my exhistance being the cause of his death - an alcohol related car accident, but he wasn't driving). I think I've worked through it for the most part. Counseling helped a lot!!!
    Read post #2626
    my motivation

    I'm doing this because I'm worth it - because I'm worthy - because I love myself.

    Goals: Healthy mind, healthy body, happy soul.

  8. #228
    tomi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Judg View Post
    Have you tried talking to your sister? When my in-laws stopped driving, the siblings worked out who would be responsible for what. It gets shifted around as need dictates, but we all chip in as we can.

    B12 is easy to fix, and cheap too. Get the sublingual tablets at a health food store. Or you can get shots, but why bother? I've done both before. Last time I was tested my levels were very high, so I stopped taking supplements.
    When my mom first stopped driving due to her failing eye sight my sister and I agreed to take turns, but she was working a full time job, plus doing the books for her husbands 2 businesses. She was just overwhelmed - so I took up the slack and did almost everything. Now, they have closed one of the businesses - but she still seems to be too busy. On mothers day she dropped off some bedding plants at moms but told her she didn't have time to plant them and would come back when she had more time - but didn't specify when that would be. Mom pretty much relies on me to do everything. My sister has power of attorney and is able to sign checks on my moms accounts, but mom never knows when she will come over so she wants me to write out the checks and then she signs them the best she can. My sister wants to pay the bills online and mom isn't comfortable with that. I guess I've taken on the job without much arguement. I'm not a fighter - I'd rather just vent when I need to and not cause a problem.

    I'll get some of those sublingual B things - thanks for the suggestion. I've been vitamin B and D deficient for many years. If I don't supplement I go WAY low. Doc says I have vitamin malabsorption issues. ??? whatever............ From looking at patient charts at work I think 1/2 population has that.
    Last edited by tomi; 05-21-2012 at 12:17 AM.
    Read post #2626
    my motivation

    I'm doing this because I'm worth it - because I'm worthy - because I love myself.

    Goals: Healthy mind, healthy body, happy soul.

  9. #229
    tomi's Avatar
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    Well, the weekend got started a bit late. Hubby had to work until about noon on Saturday and then we didn't get out of town until 4:30. We stopped and looked at kayaks Might get a couple to go with the boat cuz they are going on a huge sale this week. We'll see. But we got to the lake and motored out to a really beautiful spot to spend the night.
    DSCF0429.jpgDSCF0433.jpg This is our new (used) boat, and this is where we spent the night! What a great nights sleep we got!
    Read post #2626
    my motivation

    I'm doing this because I'm worth it - because I'm worthy - because I love myself.

    Goals: Healthy mind, healthy body, happy soul.

  10. #230
    Candy in Wonderland's Avatar
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    Nice boat and what a beautiful, peaceful spot to spend the night!
    My Journal: Candy in Primal Wonderland
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    Goal for 2012: keep weight steady (+/- 74 kg): check
    Goal for 2013: lose 10 kg and keep new weight (+/- 65 kg)

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