"I think that I am afraid of the consequences if I stop being a failure."
So much to think about in that sentence for me. Much of it painful.
I think our unconscious minds do a lot of messing with us. And yet, supposedly, it is for our benefit. At one point, being a failure was something that protected us in some way. Then, when I realized this (and the reason hit me in a flash- too hurtful for someone else's journal, but it was so TRUE, that I knew it instantly) it was still so ingrained, and too central to my identity, for me to give up. I have only slowly gotten to the point of acknowledging that there's some truth to it and that maybe, just maybe, I should try to work on overcoming it.
How do you drop a security blanket that has sheltered you for years from something pretty hurtful in itself? It means facing that hurtful thing, without knowing what is on the other side. Scary. So, I won't encourage you to plunge into the process, Hanna, but I will say we are here to talk it out with you if you do.