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Thread: My Journey from Sugar Burner to Fat Burner - jenn26point2's Primal Journal page 554

  1. #5531
    marcadav's Avatar
    marcadav is online now Senior Member
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    Jenn, I know you are, understandably, feeling raw but please remember your SIL's no, speaks volumes about HER. It says nothing about YOU.

  2. #5532
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    ^ this exactly!! I can't imagine your SIL and myself being friends. Nope!


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  3. #5533
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    It's not bullshit. You knew we would be there around 5:30-5:45 so I have no idea why you thought leaving at 5 was a good idea when you had to stop at hy-vee and get cash. I wish you had taken the time to let them know you got delayed but that is over now. The time thing was nothing intentional or anything like that.
    As for not paying attention to the kids, maybe you don't see it but the rest of us do. I have made comments to you and put it in emails to you before that I have a problem with the amount of time you spend on the phone/computer. Every time you get defensive and we fight about it, and the finger pointing stops. Her text is not all based on one night. This has been building for a while because you do the exact same thing whenever we take the kids somewhere whether it be her house, your moms, your dads, anywhere. When we were loading up the car for practice you were standing there on your phone the whole time we loaded. I couldn't care less who called or who texted you, they can wait until you sit down and talk to your children first. This goes clear back to the discussion we had in bed about how I feel you treat me. I see the same thing towards the kids. You don't even fix Makenna's hair in the morning. Do you really think that is ok? What if we had a different daycare? You take on so much stuff and don't leave time for any of us. Now you are going to train for a 2nd marathon, start doing the 31 parties, plant the garden (which will be full of weeds in a month), make dinner when you get home, spend time talking or searching or blogging or whatever you do on the phone/computer, and still have time to be a Mother and Wife. I don't know how you expect that to work. I already know what your response is going to be, you are going to push the blame off on to me and say that what I am saying is all bs and play it off as I am perfect and just criticizing you. It's what you do every time we go through this. I'm not a better person, I have my own list of flaws but the difference is that I can look in the mirror and say that it's my fault and I need to make it better (I have been miserable thinking about how I treated Brady last night and it wasn't all his fault. I got pissed and flew off the handle and I was wrong to do that.) I have been thinking about what to say and how to apologize to him all day.. It doesn't seem like you are willing to do that. Your actions say that you can't because nothing changes. After our talk/argument in bed a few weeks ago, nothing changes. After I send emails trying to tell you how I feel, nothing changes. I'm at a loss on what to do.

    Just read your 2nd email...

    Watching them and paying attention to them are 2 different things. If you are playing/talking on your phone then you are not paying attention to them. When you got there did you say hi to them, give them a hug, act happy to see them or anything else? No, because you were on your phone. She has brought this to my attention a couple different times. I tried to keep everyone happy by just talking to you about the phone/computer time but it always turns in to a finger pointing defensive fight. The reason I forwarded you her text was because I am tired of it. I wish she would have just sat down and told you how she felt instead of doing this, which I am going to talk to her about tonight. I'm pretty sure that your mom was the way with you that you are with our kids, maybe that's why you don't see what the rest of us do. It needs to change, I don't care how, but it needs to. I commented on your post about running the QCM and said that you need to decide what you priorities are and I mean that. Sorry to send this all in an email but I am in the "letting it all out" kind of mood. I love you.
    Primal since March 5, 2012
    SW: 221 | CW: 182 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)




  4. #5534
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    Geezus, that is a lot. I hope you're doing well enough today... *hugs*

    How do you feel about his response?
    Journal on depression/anxiety
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  5. #5535
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    resentment, hatred, worthless, unappreciated, attacked.
    Primal since March 5, 2012
    SW: 221 | CW: 182 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)




  6. #5536
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenn26point2 View Post
    resentment, hatred, worthless, unappreciated, attacked.
    I had to laugh a little, those are really good descriptors.

    I really hope you can talk to Brad about all of this in person. As much as it can be easier to "get it all out" in writing, it makes it all too easy to be cruel. Tone is hard to convey. In couples therapy, the words you just used would be a perfect segue into telling him how you feel about what he said. While you can't change someone else or their feelings, just knowing that they UNDERSTAND how you feel can go a long way. It seems from his email that he is trying to communicate something to you and feels like it's not getting through. From what you write about here, it seems like you also don't feel understood. I hope you guys can get the support you need, either from each other or from a third party. Would you be open to couples therapy and do you think he would? It might help to get you guys moving in the same direction, at the very least, even if it was just a couple of sessions.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Curing IBS-C with Vitamin C and magnesium citrate.

  7. #5537
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    Jenn, it was things like what your husband has said that compelled me to see a therapist. My ex actually called me a crazy bitch- crazy being something my parents said about me too.

    I was determined to either figure out what was wrong with me and fix it and/or learn how to get away from destructive people and surround myself with people that lifted me up instead knocking me down. I learned a lot about myself.

    I didn't tell my then husband I was seeing a therapist until he used the crazy word again, a few months later. My reply was, "My therapist doesn't think I'm crazy. I'm working on myself and will no longer allow myself to be spoken to like you just did. If this marriage is going to survive I suggest you see someone to help you better yourself".


    In your shoes, I would first look for things in Brad's emails that have, even a grain, of truth and then decide if working on those things would be a good thing for you to work on for YOU. Second I would find the top 3 things that were said that impact you the most and put feelings to them.

    Finally, I'm just confused as well as curious-- how will be Brad be paying attention to Brady in the pits? Won't he be busy doing his pit work?

  8. #5538
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    wow............. Brad can lay it out there huh??

    I agree with Marcadav....... sometimes a good look in the mirror and some painful self analysis is necessary. When hubby and I were going through counseling I had to some face some things about myself that were not very comfortable - but had to be dealt with because those things were contributing to our problem.

    We all have our own perspective of the world........ sometimes we have to respect what others are seeing and take it to heart. I know you want to be the best mother and wife that you can be......... to do that you might need to listen to what others are saying.

    Hope that's not harsh........... just trying to keep it real. We wouldn't be of much use to each if we only pushed the feel-good-button.
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  9. #5539
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    Took a walk over lunch - as much as I didn't want to, I knew I needed to get out of the office. I did some reflecting while I was out walking around barely fast enough to satisfy my pact and I realized I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. I feel like I'm always fighting against something... I'm fighting weight gain, I'm fighting mental health illnesses, I'm fighting financial stress, I'm fighting clutter at home, I'm fighting clutter in my head, I'm fighting the emotional stress of a discontented marriage, I'm fighting this life I lead because it's not exactly what I want, I'm fighting stagnation, I'm fighting the realization that life isn't what I want it to be. I'm fighting all the damn time and I'm tired. I'm so tired that all I want to do is sit and watch everyone else have fun and live their life in a carefree manner - all the while making a list of all the things I should be doing to keep ahead of all the things that need done...

    And while I'm fighting, I'm becoming resentful of Brad b/c he's not also fighting. He's watching tv or working on the race car or reading something on the racing message boards, or playing games on his phone (all those things he accuses me of doing instead of playing with our kids - trust me, he's not as innocent as he makes himself sound in that email). He's off work today and the kids are out of school. Makenna is at SIL's and Brady is with Brad and his dad, so he sent me a picture of Brady jumping on a trampoline with our friend Amy out at her farm. They looked like they were having fun and for a split second I wished I was with them - then I remembered I'm not a fun lover... I'd be sitting in the lawn chair taking pictures while Brady asked me to join them... Why don't I want to have fun? Because I'd be embarrassed? Yeah... honestly. I'd feel like I was being watched and beign watched makes me uncomfortable. Is it because I'm lazy? No, I'm not really lazy... lazy people don't go to the gym every day or run marathons or work so damn hard to keep their house clean... I'm not lazy by any stretch... I'm wiped... stripped of all energy for anything fun. It's no wonder I spend so much time on the couch playing on my phone or on the computer... I'm zapped and just want something relaxing and mindless... there's no need for thinking while playing What's the Phrase or reading facebook... Being wiped explains why I get so annoyed with my kids when they ask for things - b/c that means work... relaxing, mindless blob time is over - time to go back to work... This really hit home for me yesterday as I was going through some of the homework Brady brought home. He had a page with a few sentences written on it. One was about racing, one was about planting things in the garden, one was about riding on the 4-wheeler with dad, one was about jumping on the trampoline with his sister, and I think there was something about the dogs. No mention of Mom... there was mention of the garden, but not Mom... which made me sad.

    Wednesday afternoon, after the shock and anger of Brad's email, when I got home, Brady was putting on his shoes or something getting read to go out and play and Makenna was already outside playing. Brady said "mom, come play with us". I told him I couldn't b/c I had to get dinner started. His response was "well, you'll be lonely then" - not in a mean way, just in an observation kind of way... In my head, I responded with "I already am, buddy, I already am" and I proceeded to cry over the sink - after crying all the way home from work.

    So, while walking today I started evaluating whether or not I needed to get back on anti-depressants or the ADD meds or if I just needed to pick up the amino acids again so that maybe I'd have more energy for doing something fun - I was leaning toward the amino acids, but then I wondered what the hell the difference was? I'd still be taking a mood altering substance - who cares if it's natural or synthetic... I'd still be taking something... I should just fight it off on my own... then I realized I'd still be fighting... so I thought about therapy b/c I seriously feel so drained and washed out that maybe I just need to talk to someone and get it all out b/c every day I feel like I'm caged up screaming and raging inside and no one is hearing it b/c I'm fighting against it b/c I don't want to appear weak or frail or, even worse, like a failure.

    Then I thought, maybe I just need to just stop fighting all together... stop fighting my emotions, stop fighting the chores at home, stop fighting the financial issues that burden me so much, stop fighting the weight and fitness goals... just stop. But, I can't even do that... if I stop doing the chores at home, DHS will swoop in and yank my kids... if I stop the weight and fitness stuff, I'll get fat and depressed again (wait... I'm already there...)... if I stop fighting my emotions, well, I don't know what could happen... if I stop fighting the financial stuff, we'll end up in worse condition than we already are... and obviously, I can't quit my job... Something has to give, but what? What can I give up that won't completely unfurl all the work I've done to this point? What can I give up control over and not end up spinning completely out of control just waiting to crash and burn? What is one thing (or maybe even two things) I can give up, for now, to lighten the load? Pact...

    So, I decided I would give up on the workouts for now. I was able lose weight just walking and focusing on diet when I first discovered Primal, so that's what I'm going to do. I put my Pact on an "open ended break" so that I could avoid worrying about whether or not I was going to have to pay out $5 for a missed workout or missed veggie or whatever... which will also allow me to stop tracking food. I can still go to the gym, but there will no longer be that REQUIREMENT to go to the gym. I can go if I want or skip if I want... I immediately felt better, honestly.

    If I'd reached this point a few days earlier, I could have opted out of Thirty-One too, but I've already invested the money, might as well at least try to get it back - plus I already have three bookings... hell, that'll probably end up as a fun escape anyway. And if it ends up being too much, I can let it go. I suspect it'll be ok though if I'm not training for a race, busting my hump in the gym everyday, and trying to keep up with the demands my Pact agreement.

    I don't want to give up gardening b/c I truly enjoy it. Even though Brad says it'll be overgrown in a month (he's full of shit, by the way), I enjoy getting my hands dirty and soaking up the sun while pulling a few weeds (as long as no spiders pay me a surprise visit, I'll continue the weeding). I enjoy finding the products of those plants and making them into something delicious (even though they're delicious on their own. I enjoy the work, the physical labor of it.

    So for now, the first step in lightening my load is to do away with the STRUCTURED workouts... If I want to go for a run, I will. If I want to throw a barbell around, I will... but I won't be FORCED to at this point. Right now, I have no intentions of running a marathon this fall - not even a half marathon. As much as I long to run another half marathon, I can't commit to it right now.

    And I'm doing this for ME! Not b/c someone told me I'm taking on too much or b/c someone is complaining that I'm too busy. I'm doing this because I want a break. All I'm doing is giving up Pact for now and opting out of training. I'm not giving up working out completely - just giving up the commitment to do it with the frequency that I was doing it. I think that's fair and a good starting point to a happier me.

    And I think I'll start taking 5-htp again, just for a boost.

    ***

    In regards to what was said to me and about me? I'm still pissed and I'm still hurt and I'm not ready to bury the hatchet yet... I'm not ready to forgive just yet... that will require more time, more walks in the sun, and more soul searching.
    Primal since March 5, 2012
    SW: 221 | CW: 182 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)




  10. #5540
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    Funny how I was typing all that out while you two were sending your messages...
    Primal since March 5, 2012
    SW: 221 | CW: 182 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)




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