I don't have it in me to read 1330 posts, but the one above me has just reminded me that I really should start a food journal. I see you joined in May, 2012. That makes you quite a prolific poster! .... eevn more than I am, and I have had people get annoyed at me on other forums for posting so much, LOL Why they care, I don't know.
Start Date 9.24.12
Starting weight 285ish ( scale is acting funny so I don't trust it, but 285 is close )
CW - 271 pounds
First Goal - 255 by 2013
Main Goal - To be healthy for my family... I have an awesome family.
Other Goal - to get off some medications
Final goal - to get to about 180 pounds by 2014
NEW GOAL - When I can start a new journal called "Your dad is not so fat!"
Your Dad is So Fat
"No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
My Primal Battle Tome
Jenn! How exciting for your story to be told in a book! thanks for thinking of me - but I don't think I'm ready for that success story just yet.
As for posting a lot -- well, when its in your own journal its no ones business how often or how much you post! They aren't obligated to read every single entry! Post away people!
I looked up Prairie du.......... whatever It looks like a great place! As for Cabella's - yes, worth the drive. The closest one to us is in Washington, humm somewhere past Olympia. Its a fun place.
I hope you're weekend is fun and lots of happy memories are made!
It's Prairie du Chien. Dog Meadow.
Keep up the good work, Jenn!
5'2", 55 years, Primal since April. Pre-Primal weight loss, from 216.6 to 157.8
Primal low: 140.2 (Dec. 3) Goal weight: 135?
Main Primal goal: beating back my CFS enough to function more normally and start writing again
More and more, our life has been governed by specialists, who know too little of what lies outside their province to be able to know enough about what takes place within it.
- Lewis Mumford
I think I have decided what I'm going to do to utilize my 90 day journal. For the month of October, I am going to be 100% Primal. Dairy will be allowed, but limited. Limited to butter (yum), sour cream, a wee bit of cheese. Not sure what I'm going to do for lunches b/c recently I've been having like a teaspoon of ranch dressing in my salad, and of course, some barbecue sauce, a little ketchup and the like. Maybe I'll still allow that stuff but annotate which days I use it so if there's a noticeable trend that results from those days, I'll be able to see it.
For the 2nd 30 days, I will likely do a Whole30, maybe... that's the month of thanksgiving and I know there will be non-primal fare that makes up the most of Thanksgiving.
I will be tracking my food, but only to ensure my macros are in the right percentages. I don't really care about calories. Aiming for very low carb. Ketosis is the goal.
Have some dirty laundry to air... well, I guess it's more like stressed into the red zone and want to vent a bit, relieve some tension and hopefully feel better.
Sunday was a really rough day for me. Both of my kids got hurt, and I feel like I should have been able to prevent it both times, but didn't.
First, while grocery shopping, Makenna got her fingers pinched HARD in the bathroom stall door. Her nail beds are bruised and the skin was broken on her finger pads. I was pushing the door open so we could go into the stall. She reached out to pull the door open and her fingers got caught. My heart is broken over this because I couldn't stop pushing before it was too late. I saw her reaching and couldn't stop in time. Now she's got two bruised nails that she'll likely lose at the age of 2.
Then Sunday night, Brad and the kids were horsing around in the living room. On top of the bookshelf (it's a 5 ft tall shelf) I have some decorative stuff that the kids made at daycare for holidays and stuff. Two of these items were bricks that had their handprints and names on from Christmas 2010. In their roughousing, Brady pushed against the bookshelf and one of the bricks fell and landed on his head. It only cut his head a tiny bit and luckily nothing else. I can't even imagine how badly it hurt. Like I said, it only cut his head a tiny bit so we didn't go to the hosptial for stitches or staples or anything. It stopped bleeding in about 15 minutes. We had told him to stop pushing off of the bookshelf or that brick was going to fall, and he stopped a few minutes, but then did it one more time and sure enough, it fell. I sat down to talk to Brady and said "This is why we need to listen to Mommy and Daddy when they tell you not to do something. Because if you don't follow the directions, bad things can happen". Brady apologized for not listening and said that his owie is his fault. Before I could respond, his dad pipes up and said "No, your mom should have moved it when she saw it was a problem". Keep in mind, he ALSO saw it was a problem.
This pissed me off and after the blood stopped flowing and the boy stopped crying, I gave Makenna her bath, put my socks and shoes on and stormed out of the house. I honestly think that if it wasn't for my kids still being there, I would not have come back. Blaming me for what happened to our son was too much for me. I was fuming. I was so livid I couldn't even cry because of how hurt I was. I was just pissed. I wanted to throw things. Break things. I wanted to push him and hit him and really release some energy. I was a high voltage line with nowhere to discharge my energy.
Knowing that Makenna was probably crying b/c I told her she could not go with me, and knowing that Brad very likely was NOT going to give Brady his bath to clean up his head, I took a minute to calm down and went back home. I gave Brady his bath, put some neosporin on his cut and put him and Makenna both in bed. I prepared some dishes to be washed and took a long hot shower. I drained the 50 gal water heater. Still no tears. Why the fuck can't I cry??? I got out of the shower and went into the kitchen to make my breakfast for the week and then went to bed. I gave Brad a kiss good night and told him I loved him and went to bed.
Yesterday morning, my stomach was in a ball of knots and my chest felt so tight. I was still very pissed and still overwhelmed by the fact that both of my kids got hurt and I was powerless to stop it from happening. I drove to work, but as soon as I got here, I turned around and went back home. I didn't want to be home with him, and was lucky that he was going to work early (he's on 2nd shift). I sent him a text telling him I was coming home. He apologized for saying it was my fault and that he handled the situation poorly and that it was equally his fault b/c he could have taken the brick off the shelf too. When I got home, I sat on the couch with him for a few minutes and some tears fell, but not the release I was hoping for.
I slept most of the day and felt a little better when I picked the kids up. We did our nightly thing of dinner, cartoons, a partial bath for Brady to clean up his head a bit better now that a real solid scab should have been in place, and went to bed. Brad and I talked about what happened via text - again, via a communication mode OTHER than face to face.
I expressed my feelings of inadequacy as a wife, mother, housekeeper and finance manager. I told him I felt like a failure in all of those areas b/c my house isn't clean, our money situation is continually jacked, our kids keep getting hurt and I can't provide him what he needs. He told me I was wrong b/c the kids are healthy, happy and fed, we're not bankrupt, none of us live in squaller, and he's no where near close to filing for divorce, so I must be doing something right... but it sure doesn't feel like it.
So last night, I went to bed at 11. Stayed up watching that sorry excuse of a Cowboys football game. I fell asleep, but woke up when Brad came home. After that, I kept picturing that brick falling on Brady's head and his reaction and how I couldn't get to him fast enough to keep him safe, and was unable to go back to sleep. I took an Ativan (second one in two days) to shut my mind off and I finally fell asleep probably around 1145.
Today, my stomach is still in knots and my mood is still really low and I feel like I could actually, honestly cry. Why now? Why not yesterday??? Geezus. I told Brad I'm tired of communicating via text and email and that we need to learn how to communicate face to face when things are bother us or when we need support. No more blame game. We need to focus on respecting and appreciating the other person. No more saying "I love you" and more SHOWING it. The tension between us lately is ridiculous and it's making life so much harder than it needs to be.
He mentioned taking a 4 day just me and him trip to someplace where we can just be alone and learn to appreciate each other again, but I have no idea how I would manage being away from my kids that long. I can't even handle them being with a grandparent overnight. But the idea of a second honeymoon is very appealing and probably really needed. A week long camping trip where we fish and hike and just enjoy each other's company and relax would be nice. (for the record, we went camping for our first honeymoon too).
But the biggest thing we need to work on is respecting each other. Treating each other the way we would expect someone to treat our kids and no less.
I might also email my doctor and as her to renew my prescription for Ativan so I have a few extras laying around should I have an acute attack like this again. It's situational and not chronic in the sense that once I come to grips with everything, the symtpoms will go away. But in the meantime, I need something to help me relax so I can think calmly and function at work. Brad asked me if I thought it was too early to be off meds, but I told him I think it's fine given that it's situational and not a chronic thing, and if I get my diet back under control, things will be better. It's just that I had two/three VERY overwhelmingly stressful events happen in one day and it was too much and set me into the red zone. Most days, I'm in the green zone or low yellow zone. I haven't been in the red zone for two years when I fell while carrying Makenna and her head hit the ground. Again, this incident was my fault b/c I'd placed a box of unwanted toys in the hall to be taken to the basement and ended up tripping over it.
Anyhow, putting that out there has helped. I also just took an ativan b/c I have too much stuff to do today after being home all day yesterday to try to navigate the day in a keyed up state. I only have one left, so I'm going to have to ration it until I can get with Dr. Ashley for a 5 pill or so refill to have on hand.
Anyhow, I'm going to attempt to tackle my paper now. Thanks for listening.