Oh wondrous internet, why don't you swallow this pocket of youth and nostalgia in your bountiful vastness?
I keep coming back here, searching for a perfect formula of how I got to my happy ending the first time around.
Yet I keep forgetting how tumultuous the journey was or how many people played a part in it (thank you!)
I came back to read over my journal from the very first page, trying very arduously to ignore the people who crossed its path. (Just because it makes me really sad...)
I was all alone here, in a brand new city, and these were my only friends. They cared, they read and tolerated my histrionics, they understood, they were patient, and they laughed at my jokes... ;P
me2, Darth Friendly, Lindsay0311, Blorton, fotakou, PrimalEagle, ChrisJ, Northern MonkeyGirl, Minxxa, Zoe, Piano Doctor Lady, namelesswonder, Danish, Naiad, Aaron, Batty, CillaKat, Metismomma, Kev, Flash, Kunoichi --(I'll add more once I go through more journal pages) I genuinely feel the love and the friendship emanating from these pages, and it's such a shame I've met very few of you in real life...
Regardless, I keep wracking my brain, trying to solve this puzzle. What has worked before and is not working now? Which variants are missing? I was only able to come to the conclusion that the only thing missing is *this*.
I thought of writing a blog, but don't want the commitment. Besides, this has so much background, so many pages filled; it's not as scary as starting over from scratch -- it's like continuing on, like I never failed! (Right........... Good one.... ;/)
I feel like so many of you have reached your goals and have moved on, to (in my mind) frolick in greener pastures of reality
But I'm still here. Either avoiding what needs to be done or getting devoured by guilt for finding myself here again.
I don't expect the same reception as I got the first time around (quite a few frequent visitors were entertained by my melodramatic musings) but I hope that I would feel some sort of accountability and stick to it.
So, I'm at my heaviest now, the most I ever weighed. (I feel too embarrassed to provide a number, but maybe one day I will.) It only took a year to go from the golden 125lbs back to where I was, and 6 months more to surpass that.
I finally graduated this spring. I'm still living downtown and my loathing for the city is growing and pestering.
I'm moving to Calgary, Alberta very soon (September). It scares me (that I won't know anyone there) and excites me (because I've never been and heard that grass-fed beef and guns are a lot more accessible ;D)
I've been on butchered versions of GAPs, Leptin Rx, Gut Clean Program, with not much success. The problem is I have very little money to spend on truly good food and I can't adhere to these 100% so I have to cut corners.
I did spend a bundle on supplements, but again, not seeing amazing results. The weight just won't budge. Not even a little.
It frustrates me and makes me think 'What's the use?' and turn to comfort foods once again. But I'm not the naive whiny 21 year old who started this journal so I swallow my frustration and rationalise my failures like a big girl. I start again...
I look at everything very logically now, it helps me keep my cool and stop myself from feeling sorry for myself (and falling on the floor, throwing a tantrum).
Right now I'm going through this journal and old ones I've kept to see what worked, what didn't and what advice I overlooked (plenty by the looks of it. I was such a short attention spanned kid!) I'll probably do a very OCD analysis of the patterns and conclusions of my findings. (Too much Bletchley Circle ;D)
See you soon, journal!
-Meaty/ Meatball/ NoSaladWithoutMeat