Monday Is The Day!/ NoSaladWithoutMeat page 183

[NoSaladWithoutMeat]

Hey friends

Totally derailed last few weeks, been lazy and bingy... whatever...
I'm now freaking out because being on PB for so long and then starting to eat gluten makes you gain weight super fast... that just sucks.
That, or maybe I'm bloated.
I was losing weekly and the lowest I was was 126.
Now I'm 130 Y_Y

This is inspiring though: Venus Index Contest Winners Announced


Hope everyone's doing dandy!
I might come back for regular reportage when I reach my goal (hopefully brave it out for some pictures).

:3

[Diana Renata]

Meaty <3

Missed you, chica!

Why wait for your goal before you come back? I miss you!

(Gawd, what I wouldn't do to be back to 130... or below 140. )

[Metismomma]

Probably just bloated, water weight. All that crap.
Thats what I'm telling myself...sigh.

[NoSaladWithoutMeat]

Yay for joint derailment!

Danish, you're a lot taller and prettier, so it's okay if you're over 140 :3

I'm going back to school for the summer semester so that by the time I graduate I'm not nursing grandchildren.

So today I was at school trying to pry a book out of my locker (the school's policy is: if you dont empty your locker by april 30th we'll sell it to someone else, your belongings included). So it's April 29th, 8PM, as you can tell I really redefined the term "last minute", and I can't remember the number of my locker or the combination!
I call home to get my parents to find my agenda and like two elephants in a china shop they rummage through my shit (very traumatizing as you can imagine)... and they don't find anything :/
Now my dignity has been robbed and I still can't open my locker.

The irony: The evil corporation that is the school's bookstore is probably going to attempt to sell me back my book for 150% of the original price. Y_Y
FML.

The other day me and a friend were looking for a Korean place. I've got all the directions down like a pro and I assure her it's 10 minutes away.
We exit the subway and I don't know what's going on.
We walk for hours and even get lost in a French neighbourhood (non of us speaks French). Eventually we find a nice, drunk, postman who gives us directions in a heavy Quebecois accent.
All we can make out is: "Mec Des= McDonald's and "c'est loin"=it's far".
We find the McDonald's but there's nothing beyond it, so we find a nice Anglophone couple to explain to us that's it's an hour walking distance in the opposite direction.
We give up. I say, there's another Korean restaurant, right outside the subway.
So we take the bus, take the subway, happily drag our hungry-selves to the Korean place and discover it is now a Korean flower shop.
Y_Y
We walk aimlessly. Every time we see an Asian place we happily gallop towards it, and 3 out of 5 times it's closed Y_Y
Finally, I realize that we're exactly where we were at the begining of our journey............
:/
We end up eating pizza.

Today we got lost again, and again it was my fault. Only this time, everywhere I looked there were Korean restaurants Y_Y

On the diet front:
Major derailment.
I had two instant noodle cups, nestea and chocolate yesterday.
Most of my meals are made of pringles and condensed milk (don't ask).

Basically I'm so not PB at the moment that showing my face here is shameful –in Japanese proportions.
I'm considering a harakiri in the pile of socks I live in (aka my room) to restore my honour.
Y_Y

Speaking of socks. During my parents' raid of my room they found cutlery, socks, a broken cup and a whole lot of junk food trash under my bed.
How do I explain that (being the self-proclaimed health nut that I am)?
They probably think i'm a hoarder... Y_Y
I hope they send me to a shrink (yay, free therapy! )

Why?
I don't know. I'm still in this cycle of motivation->superwoman->fear of success->sabotage->depression->rockbottom->motivation...
I think watching pretty Korean romantic comedies (which btw have redefined my view of a relationship: no longer am I the sex-crazed child you used to know, I'm waiting 'till marriage. It's hand-holding or nothing!), anime and Hercules the Legendary Journeys (don't ask) and wolfing down junk is a way to dull the pain.
It makes me not think, and when I don't think I don't get scared and consider the what ifs of life (that mostly bring about contemplations of worthlessness and how I'm just meant to stay a chubby, self-loathing loser, drowning in self-pitty and fear).

So, not thinking/not feeling=good. Thinking/ feeling/ doing=constant thoughts of how I don't think I deserve any of it.

One of the reasons I deleted all my emails and never go on my regular forums is cause I end up trying to explain myself and end up sounding whiny and pathetic. I've done it for a year on MDA and I think it's no longer cute :P

The times when I try to be proactive and perfectly on track I keep at it AS LONG AS ITS HARD. The minute exercise, life, diet, losing weight, skin health becomes easy to do/ maintain, it freaks me the hell out.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I know where to go from there and it compromises my identity (fat, ugly, lazy, unlucky).
It's totally annoying.
I never thought "fear of success" was a logical term for it, but it seems like that's what it is...

I can see why people pay for shrinks. I wish I could afford one... One that will help me make sense of the stuff I already know myself :/

On that note...
How's everyone doing?

[Diana Renata]

Oh how I've missed your journal entries! <3

I do enjoy reading about your misadventures- not that I take pleasure in your pain, but you have such a way of painting a word picture, you can make the most mundane thing become a story. I loves it.

Really... I need to know about the pringles/condensed milk. You've got my curiosity.

FWIW, Hercules = WIN.

[winencandy]

You're back!

[NoSaladWithoutMeat]

Danish, thanks. I guess when your life is that mundane you have to develop the talent to make it sound interesting/ entertaining, otherwise you'll suicide Y_Y

[B]WineyCandy/B], I don't know if I'm back and if I should be back or stay in the shadow that is my non-cyber life.

Oddly, I miss you guys even though, in real life, I rarely miss/ care about people and find them generally uninteresting/ unreliable.
I tend to get obsessed with fictional characters (books, tv) and idolize them for being loyal, brave and fun, and I strive to be like them and (foolishly) hope to find friends like that... So, I end up feeling used because I find I put up more effort into friendships than others do, and in the last 3-4 years I've given up on trying to make friends/ keep in touch because I end up disappointed.
I guess in the same way, I glorify people on MDA because I've yet to meet them and get disappointed

So, that's the hard part in leaving MDA.

Another thing is neglecting the self-psychoanalysis and journalling, however whiny and pathetic, that I do on here. When neglected my emotions tend to stay bottled-up until things go haywire (hence the loooooong, whiny posts you're usually forced to read).

However my dependance on my beloved computer is practically dangerous; I shudder to think what would happen if my CrackBook were to crack up! (and I secretly hope it does so I can be free!)
It's why I deleted facebook and all other emails (aside from one), not to mention msn and other forum subscriptions –'cause there simply was no other way for me to NOT spend aimless hours on them! (did this make any grammatical sense?)

Y'know? (this didn't)

Dilemma! :0

I guess, since I'm undecided... I'll keep journalling until I've figured it out :P
(The decision of indecision, 'iz how I makiROLL)

Btw, if you're naked writing MDA posts: HOLLA!

Ahm.

Yesterday, the first of the month mind you, I slept for *drum roll* 18 hours.
Yep, you read it right.
Didn't sleep the night before, fell alseep at 3, woke up somewhere at night, fell asleep again, woke up at 9 today...
It's a skill I tell you. I should enter competitions!!!
I hope it was out of necessity: recovery from 2 weeks of crap and weird sleeping schedule.

I fasted for 24 hours and then stupidly did HIIT :/
Nice going.
I've been sitting here naked (ahm) trying to recover for the past hour, cause every time I get up I get light headed and can't stand.
I tried eating but I want tp throw up, so I'm waiting it out.

I did force myself to eat a tomato though

Workout was:
25 air squats
30s hop-scotch (as fast as you can forward and backwards)
15 push-ups
30s hop-scotch

I did four reps of this, with 30 second rest in between, and it may sound lame but it was HARDZ! :<

Remind me to NEVER, EVER, EVER take a break from PB or exercise, 'cause it's such a bitch to convince myself to get back on.
So I got up at 9 and it took me 4 hours to motivate myself, in that span I went over every single excuse as to why I shouldn't exercise.
Then I was looking at some idiotic website of "funny" pictures that were mostly sexist (bad idea, if you're a sensitive womyn) and there was something idiotic that made me really mad. It said "if you watch cinderella backwards it's about a woman put in her place"...

What the fuck? Do people still think that at 2011? Do they have a chance of ever getting a gf? (no) Should they be castrated, left in a cave where they could happily live without pesky women who desire to live as more than domestic slaves? (yes, 'cause even a pathetic excuse for a man deserves a happy existence, without those dreaded, beautiful creatures THAT GIVE LIFE AND PURPOSE TO THE UNIVERSE!)

I don't even understand heterosexual men who hate women, isn't that an oxymoron? If they idolize men shouldn't they just have relationships with men?
And if they just want sex-slaves or pets, they can buy blow-up dolls or have sex with sheep (but I don't condone sheep rape, it must be consensual).

*Meaty for president: ridding the world of ignorance" banner bellows behind*

Sigh, it's hard to figure out ignorant PEFP (pathetic excuse for person), they just hate everything that exceeds their meager intellect and capacities.

/rant

I guess in a moment of twisted genius I decided that the best thing was to become hot and trample the egos of chauvinistic men!
HA! THE PERFECT REVENGE!

No, not really :/

What did happen was that I got really depressed and scared (natural reaction to things) and as I was passing by on my way to the kitchen to eat some deep fried cheese (true story) I looked in the mirror.
I thought I looked cute and had a nice body... *gasp*
and even though I've got quite a way to go I shouldn't neglect it or stuff it with crappy food, because I have the potential to have a body
that I really want.

My body is a temple and all that shite. :P

Weird huh? Just like that!
Hope for many more A-ha moments lke this to come.

Yay! I can walk! It's a miracle, sweet Jesus!
*kisses the ground*
*convert to Christianity*

*Goes to eat soup.

[Diana Renata]

Another fantastic installment of "This is Meaty's Life"

How can you NOT miss us? Hell, I miss this place after just a day or two of being busy. I absolutely LOVE my MDA girlies, and the fellas ain't half bad either.



Haha... I won't say how many time I've done a naked journal entry.

Nice workout! It sounds like fun!

I hope you do have a lot more of those A-ha! moments too. We all need them sometimes I think. It's a crazy love/hate cycle sometimes. I'll ride with ya though since I tripped up and had a not-so-great week last week also.

You're gorgeous chica. Own it.

[NoSaladWithoutMeat]

[B]Meaty's FML Story #39072579032753:/B]

Our house is old. As old as the invention of crepes by the French.
Not only does it creak, the walls are paper thin and you can hear people fucking/ smell people smoking across the hall.
Our bathroom that's most likely on the other side of someone's kitchen always smells like home cooking.
And don't get me wrong, I like the smell of home cooked meals as much as the next gal, but there's just something about sitting on your toilet and smelling fried fish that's a little disconcerting.

Vive la French-Canadian architecture!

Anyways, my room's door is sometimes hard to open because the hinges are rusty.
So today after eating a fatty porkchop my hands were too greasy to open the door and I was stuck in my room for 20 minutes kicking and cursing the heavens.
Of course it only opened up when I lightly pushed it forward, after I've given up on getting out before my golden years (my parents wouldn't notice anyway).

What the fuck.

The Irony ('cause in my life, there's always irony)
We have a perfectly new, fancy condo in Toronto on the verge of being built :/

FML.

I woke up when my dad came home at about 3pm (as in, I jumped out of bed and quickly got dressed pretending as if I was awake all along. That, complete with an opening and closing of drawers, as if I was wide awake, productive and cleaning my room).

I found an old journal of mine from when I was 16 –boy, you think I'm emo now, you ain't read nothing yet.
My equally mundane life back them, or as I like to call it "pre-sex life", made every little incident earth-shattering.
"Ooh, the cute boy from band class, the one with the long hair and tight jeans who always looks angry, he looked at me!"
"Oooh, gangster-looking boy bumped into me and I fell... we must meant to be!"
*the next entries are about a completely different boy and how we're meant to be*
"That Japanese exchange student plays guitar so beautifully! He must have a beautiful sensitive soul... we're clearly meant to be!" (not, and he's as dumb as a shoe lace).
"Ew, someone left a love letter in my locker, must be that awkward geek that keeps staring at me and shivering." (true story)
"Maybe I should be a lesbian. It'll make things so much easier. Chicks dig me!"
"No. Girls are too dramatic and kissing them is gross." (I had a gf for a whole day but I freaked out when she tried to lean in to kiss me and I broke up with her on msn )
"Dear diary, I have a crush on my best friend (a gay guy). But, maybe I can do something about it..." (not. his reaction was "eeeeeeeeeeeew")

On the upside. I seemed to be really full of myself. I thought I was the prettiest thing to walk upon this earth, which is why I always rationalized that everyone was senselessly in love with me :x

I wonder why I hate myself now? Is this a coming of age thing?

Summer semester tomorrow: ew.

I don't wanna log in my calories, it's too time consuming and I'm too cool for that.

BODY:
Food:
-> Pork chop fried with herbs and coconut oil.
-> Tomato
-> (yesterday) Chicken soup, tomato, banana, orange, condensed milk (why do fruits sucks so? I wish I could buy organic fruits), 1.5L water (a new thing I'm striving for, getting lots of water because I rarely drink. My skin is nicer when I drink at least 1.5L)

Workout:
-> 6 baby burpees, 30s work, 30s rest
Was kinda lame, but on the last set I tried really hard, and my form was pretty good with the jumping up/ jumping back.

SOUL:
-> Read some music theory

MIND:
-> Do some goal setting

Exercise Music:

[winencandy]

iLove reading your posts