Beware extremely long and mundane!
What's the difference.... is TEXAN a clever acronym I'm not aware of?
I can't just "forget the French".... I FUCKING LIVE HERE!
I don't have any other options to choose from, unless you consider the blind men who will probably not mind
the love handles.
But if I don't lose weight I will grow my virginity back.
As simple as that.
As much as it is a torture to see these incredibly beautiful, French speaking boys everywhere... it can't be helped.
In my mind I already don't stand a chance so the prospect of rejection is not even present.
I think I should just pretend like they don't exist, and we live on parallel worlds.
Funny though, how relative something can be. I mean I was one of the thin, or at least normal sized people in Toronto. Couldn't get a break if I wore a miniskirt... and here I'm a giant, invisible whale :]
I wonder if I move to Texas they admit me to an eating disorder clinic and force-feed me :]
Vy and I were wondering why they're so thin if all they do is eat and congest the entertainment district every night. Is it because they smoke (an alarming 60% of people here smoke)... but should we really go down that rode...? :/
And you guys don't knoooow whaaaaat it's likeeeee!
You live in a place where everyone is thin, they all dress better, look better, speak a language that you don't and you're trying to stay away from all the amazing foods they eat but the foods are just too tempting!
We have places like Frites Alors, which is a poutine place (fries+gravy+cheese curds) that buys all their ingredients from local farmers... Steak tartar places... Creative menus that deep fry fois gras (fatty duck liver)... I mean grrrrrrraaaaa!
The other day I had bread pudding.
I NEVER HAD BREAD PUDDING BEFORE WTF?!
I missed 22 years of not having bread pudding...!
And I'm becoming increasingly French.
I loiter in coffee shops and started taking my coffee black.
(okay, anyone who knows me knows that I hate coffee and will only eat the latte foam at the top).
Any restaurant that doesn't charge 80$ a meal seems unworthy of my presence.
(did I mention I'm broke and in debt?)
I've had a 12oz steak the other day from a place I used to love and I hated it, because the meat tasted of poor quality.
There's a distinct culture here and I'm becoming addicted to it.
But it bothers me because while I know if we were to have a swim-suit comepetition I'd be the only one who has an ass, but because it's the common thing here, it's is automatically attractive.
If I take an average Montreal girl and drop her in the U.S, people would be genuinely worried that she might collapse from malnutrition. And I HIGHLY DOUBT she'll be considered attractive by most men there.
Here, on the other hand, if you're 5'7 and NOT 110lbs you're chubby.
I see guys here check out skeletorial girls out and I always wonder what they're looking at... ass?... boobs...? the back bones that are sticking out...?
And I don't mind thin women at all! I idolize them! I think they're beautiful, but even fit, primal men and women would be alarmed if they knew what I was talking about! They're everywhere and they're not healthy!
The dilemma is this: even if I get to my target weight I will still feel bad about myself and will have to conform (I hate that word) to this Montreal standard of thin...but should I? Am I lying to myself that at 5'3, 130lb I can be normal?... I mean I know men who are 5'8 and weigh 140... >:c
I have a long way to go and I keep sabotaging myself, so maybe I shouldn't ask you these questions.
I like how busy my life is. It's frustrating, because to catch up I have to do homework on the subway and sometimes have no time to shower or sleep or eat. But it forces me to live in the moment because I have no time to analyze, I have no time to think of excuses why I should be afraid or discoureged. It's a weird freedom of living in the present... completely in the now.
But I'm bothered by the fact I have allowed myself to slip back into my high-carb ways. Every meal is a three course meal, every meal ends with dessert. I'm always stuffed, bloated and I hate myself.
Vy is okay with fasting the next day, but I seem to be gaining weight back.
AAAAAAAARGGGGH! I hate the little differences that make my life seem so unfair.
I mean, a lot of you can eat the ocassional cookie or cream cheese and you won't break out the next day... some of you can have a carby day and you won't lose weeks of progress...!
Sometimes little things like that discourage me because a tiny slip will rob me of so much energy and make me think: "is this even worth it? I can't live in constant deprivation. I want to be able to have the occasional slip, but when I do my skin automatically breaks out and my weight stalls for weeks."
The girls here are always well dressed yet they never wear makeup. So now I feel gross about wearing makeup as well, but my skin is blotchy and should not be seen by the naked eye.
I guess it's too convenient to forget, when I go out with Vy and we indulge, that while this might not affect her it will certainly effect me... and with each day my skin deteriorates :/
I now have to read 50 pages of marketing, then 70 of grammar, 30 of drama, 43 of Canadian literature and 2 short stories. If I'm not back in a few days, I'm probably rotting in my room after my brain has exploded.
"The penis is the male animal-flower, a soft-firm dildo, a warm dream."
-Raymond Peat, PhD