Monday Is The Day!/ NoSaladWithoutMeat page 111

[NoSaladWithoutMeat]

Augh.... I regretted the last post the minute I posted it...
I promised to pretend like I'm strong and got it together and you're probably so sick of trying to make me feel better...
But thank you again, I <3 you guys!
I wish I could have your maturity and your view of life... I think it comes with experience and I haven't gotten there yet...!

I've seen these videos before and I'm not sure why that girl needed to be photoshopped...! I was more complaining about the girls I see on the streets of Montreal (anorexic is very 'in' here), none of them have cellulite or stretch-marks, they're all tan and they usually wear booty-shorts...
I actually get a sick satisfaction when a skinny girl does has cellulite, or compare their asses to mine (that always works, I have a nice ass)...
so being pale, overweight, scarred is a battle against the current of bleach blond, tan and perfect... and while I'm feministically inclined to wave a middle finger in the air and say no to booty shorts and spray-tans... it's still there... and I think, okay even if I do lose the weight, will I ever be considered "hot"?

WHY DO I EVEN CARE?!

99% of my time I'm fighting myself over this, I try really flipping hard not to care; I'm the problem, not any of these models. I brought myself here and I keep comparing myself to when I was 16 and had flawless skin and beautiful body and I fucked it up!

The best solution I could come up with is... focusing on one thing at a time.
First: losing the weight.
Second: the skin.
Third.... whatever new flaw I'd come up with later on.
This way instead of freaking out about allllll these things, I'll focus on one and will be less overwhelmed.
Oddly enough, it calmed me down.

Second problem: I don't believe it's possible. I feel like, those who've lost weight already know they can do it.
Vy for example has lost a ton of weight before so she knows it's possible... to me, it's a distant dream and I can't picture it happening.
When I do lose the weight it takes me a while to believe it (I weigh myself like 6 times a day to be sure).
Need to work on that.

Perfection isn't attainable. I remember when my skin got super clear (I was eating nothing but fruit and raw fish...) and I started hating my nose...! What the hell?! My nose is like fine...!?! I don't even notice it! I even considered plastic surgery... and my mom almost bit my head off!
(she said she had always hated her nose and she prayed when she was pregnant that I don't get her nose, and her wish came true... haha)
When I was losing weight really fast on ZC... I suddenly felt empty... like I had nothing to strive for anymore... then I wanted to binge and (sounds strange) but get it all back, so I can feel motivated again...

Anywho, too much babble.
Haven't had any food today yet... Going to make a pork-chop.

The good thing that did come out of this whole thing is... that I've made a conscious decision to never eat gluten and pasteurized dairy again (hey man, icecream on occasion and fatty stuff like cream, don't count :P), ever again! I think I'm officially over my whole mind set of "oh, one won't hurt".
NEVER AGAIN.

I'm going to Toronto for the concert. I will go to my favourite restaurants, but I've decided that even though it's my birthday-vacation I will not cheat.
The only time I plan to cheat is the day of my birthday :]

Be proud! <3 you all!

[NoSaladWithoutMeat]

Fucks-Up of the day:
Remember the chick I said was perfect the one who makes me depressed over how perfect she is?
Yeah... yesterday I thought it would be a good idea to put her as my desktop... Not sure what the hell is wrong with me...

Dilemma: I need someone readily available who I can whine to who can make sense of my life... but so far it's been my bf (now ex) and that's really not a good idea... Vy is unavailable... So, I'm on FB and once any of you pop on there I will annoy you with my problems.
Feel free to ignore me.

[NoSaladWithoutMeat]

Sooo............

Going to Toronto, 10-12th; gots me a hotel room, know all the eateries, know how Primal Korean BBQ sounds, going to an awesome concert... yet no one to share the hotel room/ foods/ joy...

Anyone in?

And I'm serious.

[Diana Renata]

*hug*

My brain is so totally and completely dead after a day of introspection and prayer, so I'm not sure I could make sense of much right now. Shoot... I'm not even going to update my own journal tonight. Blah.

If it makes you feel any better, my belly hurts from yet again scarffing several spoonfuls of peanut butter. Yes. Peanut. *groan*

[Kev]

Glad to hear your feeling better.

[PrimalB]

When I was losing weight really fast on ZC... I suddenly felt empty... like I had nothing to strive for anymore... then I wanted to binge and (sounds strange) but get it all back, so I can feel motivated again...

I relate to that 100%. The scale creeps up; I get uber-depressed, self-conscious of how my clothes fit, and just generally down on myself; get super-strict on my eating; make progress for a week and drop 4-5 pounds; feel better about myself and say "oh...it's OK to have this PINT of ice cream. I'm not that fat." Wash. Rinse. Repeat. It's this vicious cycle.

I believe you when you say you want to binge to get it all back. I think about that all the time. Why is it this constant, "OK, this is going to work this time." "OK, really...this time I'll stick to it." "OK, so that last time didn't work. But now I'll be motivated." etc, etc?? Do I wish to always have the stress of losing weight? Why else would I draw this out for so long? If I didn't fail every 3 days, I'd weigh negative pounds right now.

Guess that doesn't help you (or us) out at all, but I'm glad the thought has crossed someone else's mind. I'll keep searching for the solution.

B

[PrimalEagle]

Ugh Primal B (and Meaty) I feel your pain. I just restarted my primal journey and created a NEW primal journal where I chronical that very issue. *sigh*

[NoSaladWithoutMeat]

PrimalB and Eagle, I think I've got an idea...
I keep looking for patterns of behaviour in so-called "successful" people, and the only difference I see in them is their attitude and way of thinking is a little more simpler than mine/ ours.
Not to say that they're less intelligent, but they don't over-think things like we do.
Having a complicated mind can drive you insane! If you constantly think of your failures, and the 'what ifs' and the 'hows' you'll most likely 'convince' yourself to fail.
I read once that people who've achieved great success and wealth NEVER ask themselves 'what if'. They rarely have action plans and focus on the end result rather than how they'll get there or, especially, the problems that might arise.
Another thing, is optimism.
I can't even imagine myself 7LBs lighter, though I am.
When people say "you've lost weight" I'm genuinely surprised.
My sense of reality is flawed because my reality is ingrained with pessimism which prevents me from seeing things as they are.

When I converse with friends who are optimists, they seem so uninhibited, they don't understand my fears, they don't understand failure.
To them, it's clear: there are rules, if you follow them, you will achieve your goal, as simple as that.
And in theory, they're right...!

SIMPLICITY! It's the answer!
If you eat Primal+ IF once in a while+ Exercise = It's impossible not to lose weight!
If you have done all this then there must be something missing from your equation (thyroid problems, too much dairy, whatever...), you just have to find it, add it to your equation and NOT THINK, DO.

If you do and don't think about it, you will not recognize the failures. If you don't see the failures you never fail, you just keep trying until you succeed.
Like the saying goes, there's no such things as losers, those who didn't win just gave up too soon.

This journal has become a little pyschoanalitic, but that's only cause I NEED to figure these things out for myself.
It can't be just a list of what you eat, how many deadlifts you do, it should list your fuck-ups and how to fix them.
Hey, maybe one day someone just like me will read this and go "OMG, that makes sense! I will try this!"
Let's just hope that there will be a picture of me gloating on the Primal Success Stories section by then

New Plan of Action:
I'm thinking, turning the shoulds into MUSTS, making them into absolute commandments.
I am gluten-intolerant.
Meaning, I get breakouts ALL OVER MY BODY, for eating a small piece of bread.
So why do I keep doing this to myself? Because I think the damage is reversible (and it is technically). But why would I make myself live in this vicious circle where I either hate myself for eating bread, or I shrug off the aftermath?
Not eating gluten in my mind should be as wrong as eating peanuts to someone who's allergic to nuts...
I mean, do you know anyone who's allergic to nuts thinking, "well, I could die from this but what the hell... they just taste sooo good!"
It's ridiculous.

I'm making laws that can't be overruled, rules that are as necessary and logical as not eating dirt, dousing myself with kerosine and jumping through a hoop of fire.
These laws are:

=> Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER eat gluten intentionally (I say intentionally because sometimes they have additives that I probably won't be aware of). Let's just say, those things simply don't exist in my world. When I go to the supermarket, I wonder why there are so many empty shelves by the produce section :P Same with pasteurized dairy (yogurt, milk etc.), not only does it taste vile, when I do get used to the taste it's addictive and causes my stomach to want to murder me from the inside out.

=> Exercise is a daily must. It's hard, it's scary, I hate doing it, but avoiding exercise for all of my life, I realize, is the most destructive thing I have done to myself. And I'm not talking about weight here.
Exercise is such a de-stresser, yet so many of us are deathly afraid of it.
I think it's habit, I think it's the chronic cardio that is self-destructively ingrained into our minds as "exercise", I think it's over-thinking and making excuses.
Because I don't have the habit of exercising, there is so much shit I deal with (posture, crooked spine, back aches, lazyness, depression). I think, Mark's premise stems from the fact humans need balance!
And without eating well, play-time, enjoyment, moving around and some fresh air and sunshine, none of us can be happy, regardless of money, relationships and even personal success.

So, while I can't promise I won't find a new "emotional crisis" in the following weeks, 'moving' and 'staying away from poison' is something I can finally NOT stress about :]
Less to stress about... Less to bitch about... Less headaches for my avid readers ;P

IFing today 'till 3. Mom brought an orange and without thinking I bit into it. I spat it out but technically the juice got into my mouth (I know, I'm neurotic...), I am wondering if to suck it up 'till 3 or eat the damned thing.

Just realized it's the 6th and haven't figured out a hotel yet, or bought a bus ticket. What the fuck Y_Y

<3

[Kev]

PrimalB and Eagle, I think I've got an idea...
I keep looking for patterns of behaviour in so-called "successful" people, and the only difference I see in them is their attitude and way of thinking is a little more simpler than mine/ ours.
Not to say that they're less intelligent, but they don't over-think things like we do.
Having a complicated mind can drive you insane! If you constantly think of your failures, and the 'what ifs' and the 'hows' you'll most likely 'convince' yourself to fail.
I read once that people who've achieved great success and wealth NEVER ask themselves 'what if'. They rarely have action plans and focus on the end result rather than how they'll get there or, especially, the problems that might arise.
Another thing, is optimism.
I can't even imagine myself 7LBs lighter, though I am.
When people say "you've lost weight" I'm genuinely surprised.
My sense of reality is flawed because my reality is ingrained with pessimism which prevents me from seeing things as they are.

I used to struggle with what I call an overactive mind. I worried about "what if" all the time and ran through scenarios through my mind all the time. I can't really tell you what I did to stop that, other than whenever I caught myself doing it I stopped.

When I converse with friends who are optimists, they seem so uninhibited, they don't understand my fears, they don't understand failure.
To them, it's clear: there are rules, if you follow them, you will achieve your goal, as simple as that.
And in theory, they're right...!

SIMPLICITY! It's the answer!
If you eat Primal+ IF once in a while+ Exercise = It's impossible not to lose weight!
If you have done all this then there must be something missing from your equation (thyroid problems, too much dairy, whatever...), you just have to find it, add it to your equation and NOT THINK, DO.

Your on to something here, I think this is exactly right, Eat Primal, IF, and Exercise and you'll achieve fantastic health. That doesn't mean I'll ever have ripped abs, but I'll be lean, strong, and full of vibrant life. That is what I am shooting for, really I have the strong and full of vibrant life already, still working on the lean, my progress has slowed, but I am still moving in the right direction.

If you do and don't think about it, you will not recognize the failures. If you don't see the failures you never fail, you just keep trying until you succeed.
Like the saying goes, there's no such things as losers, those who didn't win just gave up too soon.

Continuously moving towards a goal will eventually get you there, you may not take the most direct path, but it is a journey not a destination.

Let's just hope that there will be a picture of me gloating on the Primal Success Stories section by then

I fully expect this to happen.

New Plan of Action:
I'm thinking, turning the shoulds into MUSTS, making them into absolute commandments.
I am gluten-intolerant.
Meaning, I get breakouts ALL OVER MY BODY, for eating a small piece of bread.
So why do I keep doing this to myself? Because I think the damage is reversible (and it is technically). But why would I make myself live in this vicious circle where I either hate myself for eating bread, or I shrug off the aftermath?
Not eating gluten in my mind should be as wrong as eating peanuts to someone who's allergic to nuts...
I mean, do you know anyone who's allergic to nuts thinking, "well, I could die from this but what the hell... they just taste sooo good!"
It's ridiculous.

I'm making laws that can't be overruled, rules that are as necessary and logical as not eating dirt, dousing myself with kerosine and jumping through a hoop of fire.
These laws are:

=> Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER eat gluten intentionally (I say intentionally because sometimes they have additives that I probably won't be aware of). Let's just say, those things simply don't exist in my world. When I go to the supermarket, I wonder why there are so many empty shelves by the produce section :P Same with pasteurized dairy (yogurt, milk etc.), not only does it taste vile, when I do get used to the taste it's addictive and causes my stomach to want to murder me from the inside out.

=> Exercise is a daily must. It's hard, it's scary, I hate doing it, but avoiding exercise for all of my life, I realize, is the most destructive thing I have done to myself. And I'm not talking about weight here.
Exercise is such a de-stresser, yet so many of us are deathly afraid of it.
I think it's habit, I think it's the chronic cardio that is self-destructively ingrained into our minds as "exercise", I think it's over-thinking and making excuses.
Because I don't have the habit of exercising, there is so much shit I deal with (posture, crooked spine, back aches, lazyness, depression). I think, Mark's premise stems from the fact humans need balance!
And without eating well, play-time, enjoyment, moving around and some fresh air and sunshine, none of us can be happy, regardless of money, relationships and even personal success.

Great goals! I think if you can make it 30 days with no grain based foods it will be a lot easier. I have lost my desire for them completely.

So, while I can't promise I won't find a new "emotional crisis" in the following weeks, 'moving' and 'staying away from poison' is something I can finally NOT stress about :]
Less to stress about... Less to bitch about... Less headaches for my avid readers ;P

We are here to support you, ups and downs, that is what it is all about.

<3 Kev

[naiadknight]

Glad to have you back on boead for the 5 bajillionth time, meaty. If it's simple, it's easier not only to beat into your own head, but to not make excuses about it. If it's a simple truth, there's no lie to cover it well enough. Run with it. Literally. Sprint down the road with these ideas on a sign! *grins*