Confessions of a Serial Wagon-Jumper
I know it works. I do. I saw it, experienced it, watched as the weight began to fall off, noticed my energy ramping up, felt my hunger diminish, and loved every second of it. Yet, when the opportunity or excuse came up to eat something processed or bad, not only did I take it, I JUMPED off this band wagon and sprinted for the fridge. It wouldn't have been so damaging except that the one meal turned into a day of meals, the day of meals turned into a few more, and before I knew it I had been cheating and eating really bad stuff for over a week. Each night I would feel more crappy, each morning feel more tired, and each day more hungry. So why? Why do I do this?
This isn't new, this is my crutch. This is what keeps me fat, fat for most of my life. My excuses, my cheats, they are a constant threat to my success.
So, it's this that I need to focus on. I always thought it needed to be the food I ate, or the knowledge I gathered, or the activity that I perform....but that is secondary, it is completely useless unless I can stick to it, unless I can make a real committment and not waver. And if I do waver I need to learn to get right back up and not let one slip derail me for even a day.
And that brings me to today...the serial wagon-jumper. In the last week I have really done it..I've gained back all but 5 pounds of what I lost. I'm only 5 pounds away from being at my highest weight. Today I start again.
This year's focus will be breaking the cycle, learning from 33 years of mistakes. I have to. I've spent my entire life, MY ENTIRE LIFE overweight. I've lived through high school as an overweight teen, I've struggled through college as an overweight co-ed, and I've eaten my way through my 20s without much to show for it but extra weight. I don't want to see the rest of my youth wasted away.
As I was reading your post I thought of that wonderful quote by Sir Edmund Hillary: "It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves."
How true, and what a mountain we make for ourselves.
Good luck in getting back on. I'm 47. I have a good life, but if I could only go back to 33, and learn the lessons I am learning now, then-- oh, what a difference.
Go to it, Jumper!
I love the title of your journal. I've tried many different approaches to losing weight and I always do the same as you describe - giving in to one craving and then totally derailing for about a week or two, only to gain back all of my previous losses. I usually crash over the weekends and uproot everything I sowed that week. It's terrible. One day at a time is all we can do. One decision at a time. Just make the best decision you can and you'll be fine.
Thanks guys, the support and knowing I'm not alone is so helpful.
Today I woke up and faced the scale with dread. 259 was my highest weight ever. Mid-last week I saw the scale tipping 255. I spent this weekend punishing myself by...what else...eating terrible foods. Yesterday I kicked my own butt into reality and ate incredibly little carbs in the hopes of forcing my body into fat-burning mode quickly. Well, all I can say is that the majority of that weight gain MUST have been water because this morning I weighed in at 249, and you and I both know that there is no way I lost 6 pounds in 24 hours.
Today I brought in the amazing pie my wife made on Sunday to work and I refuse to have a slice. Instead I will have my salad like a good little girl and salmon for dinner. I will take the stairs today.
I want to be back down to 247 by Friday, back down to what I was before I had my huge, ugly lapse.
I want a new bike for the summer, and damn it, I'm going to get it. I promised that I would buy the new bike once I hit 210. So that's about 30 pounds in 3.5 months. Possible, not probable, but possible. I plan to start really working out on the weekends whenever possible.
I've belted myself to the wagon today, secure and NOT going anywhere despite the call of the blueberry-white chocolate pie sitting at my desk, and despite the half full jar of home-made cookies sitting in front of me. I will not submit. WILL NOT.
Good luck! We all have been there. I'm a classic fall off the wagonner. I've been back on the wagon for 15 days and not wanting to start over again is keeping me on track. You CAN Do It!
Well, after much convincing we grabbed chinese last night. I stayed as paleo-friendly as is possible, egg foo yung and chicken teriyaki on a stick. Not great, but not horrible. Still made the salmon and I'll be adding that to my nice big salad this afternoon. Steak for dinner tonight.
I love my wife but sometimes I wonder if this would be easier if she wasn't always complaining about food. I was gung-ho to have salmon last night but the second we caught the train home she was complaining about how she was soooo tired of salmon, and couldn't we just grab some chinese take-out. Next time, I think I'll let her get all the chinese she wants and I'll stick with my salmon. I really wasn't in the mood for chinese, fought her on it for an hour on the way home, and yet I still gave in.
I'm always the one figuring out what to eat, reading the books, listening to the podcasts, making the shopping list, and 90% of the time I'm cooking. Bitter much? I don't know what I would do with myself if she ever took over and handled all that for me....how much free time would I have? Wow....boggles the mind.
Sorry for the rant, one of those mornings.
So here we are, Thursday, and the scale this morning gave me a great big hug. 247 it said. Woa! 247?? So, in the last three days my body went from 255 to 247....okay...water weight. Must have been...yet over a week of binging? Perhaps my body really likes 247, after all it had stuck there, immovable, for three weeks.
New goal? 245 by Monday!
This is getting easier as I go...last night the wife baked blueberry muffins from scratch and after trying one tiny bite to ensure their quality was up to parr I brought them in to work for my coworkers. I also was forced to make a trip to a local candy/chocolate store this morning at 7:30am in order to by 5 pounds of M&Ms in different bulk colors. My job is so weird. So I sit here at my desk, a cookie jar filled with home-made cookies, a box of home-made muffins, and 5 pounds of prettily colored M&Ms sitting beside me.
AND I HAVEN'T TOUCH A SINGLE BITE!
I ate my omlette, drank my coffee, and will sit here, full, until about 2pm.
Ah, foolish girl...
I think I stuck with eating primal for about 3 weeks, not even at 80% before falling right back off the wagon. Last week I watched in frustration as the scale creeped back up again and I asked for help. I have a great belief in asking those spirits around you to lend a hand, so I asked for help in getting back to, and sticking to, the way of life that I know will benefit me the most, and boy did I get it.
From the moment I asked for help I began to notice it. The nausea. I ate pasta and got nauseaus. I ate sugar and felt like throwing up. I noticed more and more that I would begin to get sweats when I ate sugary or starchy processed foods, and I won't even go into what onions started doing to me. It was like my body was telling me that, come hell or high water, I was going to be forced to stick to this....so....here we go.
Yesterday I began in earnest, again, and bought all the ingredients to some wonderful receipes I had found online. A fabulous root-veggie and sausage hash and then enough veggies and protein to make one mean cobb salad. Between that and my morning omelets, and my salmon and steaks for dinner, I think I have a good Week 1 planned. Instead of trying to see this as a diet I am trying to see this as a slow progression to what I should be eating all the time. Find some great recipes, tweak as needed, spend time reading and reviewing alternatives and options for foods, and really pay attention to how my body is feeling on certain foods.
My wife isn't coming with me on this journey, however, so it could be difficult. She is choosing to do a 2 week cleanse and then start back up with Weight Watchers. I have made her promise that since we are trying to get her pregnant she will continue, once through the cleanse, to eat plenty of good saturated fats and keep her HFCS intake as low as possible, but she will eat grains, I can't get her to stop. I'm hoping that if I can do really well on this diet and lose some good weight on it that I could convince her to come back to the paleo lifestyle. The problem is she wants immediate results, results now, bog drops in weight, and she wasn't seeing it immediately with paleo like we used to. I've tried to remind her that we've yo-yoed so much that our bodies won't react the same way now as the first time we did it.
So yesterday I began Week 1 of my new lifestyle. I began at 258, 5'7", and feeling really low. I was having a hard time focusing at work, feeling tired all day long, getting sick after eating foods, feeling sweaty and hot-flashy, and always jonsing for a sweet.
This week the meal plan is along the lines of:
omelet for breakfast or the sausage/root veg hash
cobb salad or chef salad for lunch
Cheese for a snack
Steak or salmon filet for dinner
We'll give this a week and see if any changes need to be made.
My bum is on fire. Had issues last night with feeling like I had to go to the bathroom all night long and today I've been in and out of the bathroom most of the day. UGH! I get that my system is clearing itself out, but seriously!
So yesterday was a two egg omelet (spinach, cheese and ham), a couple cups of coffee, lunch was my cobb salad with 2 tbsp of over the counter (processed) Ranch Dressing (mixed greens, cherry tomatoes, crumbled bacon, egg, chicken, avocado), and dinner was a steak. Not too shabby.
This morning I weighed in at 255. Hello familiar water loss, how's it going?
Today I'm having some of the hash for lunch so we'll see how I feel afterwards. The hash is heavy with root veggies and not as much with the protein, so my fear is that I'll be REALLY hungry afterwards. When I make it again I'm doubling the sausage and cutting out the parsnips. Tonight the plan is salmon....yum! Had a veggie-heavy omelet this morning, so cutting out the veggies at dinner.
Day 2 without onions...still crawling along.
Thought for the day - maybe once I'm in this a month I'll try giving up the coffee (ACK!) It could be the horrific non-dairy creamer that I'm addicted to that caused my morning tummy gurgles. I don't think I could do coffee without the non-dairy creamer...so perhaps both must go.
3 days later and I'm now at 6 days with no cheats.
Today I woke up and was absolutely exhausted. I could barely open my eyes. I dragged myself out of bed and slogged to the scale. Mistake! 257. I'm convinced it was the 7 cups of coffee I had yesterday forcing me to retain water like the Titanic, but it still frustrates me. Just to keep my eyes pried open, without the use of toothpicks, I've already downed 5 cups of coffee.
The problem? I'm having cravings. I am an admin where I work and we've planned a pre-Bastille day celebration for our French interns. I'd ordered the food a week ago and got all kinds of french snack items...croissants, brie en crute, and other items I can't touch. However, I woke up this morning dreaming of a croissant covered in Nutella. NOM!! A Giant, Taunting TUB of Nutella is now sitting on my desk, creeping slowly closer to me as I wait for the food to arrive. I know I should hold off...I haven't cheated once this week, I should stick with it. Another part says to go for it, don't deprive yourself.
I probably will stay far away, just set up the food, smile and nod, and take off. Grumle into my veg and sausage hash, drink my water, and pout. Then I will go into the bathroom, look into the mirror and make a mental note of the huge bat wings, the elbow fat, the fingers bare of wedding/engagement rings because they are too big, the third chin slowly creeping up on me....and praise myself for the moral fortitude to stay FAR away from the croissants and their evil call.
257. I got myself there from not depriving myself. I think of the days I snuck food. I think of the nutella-filled crepes I would eat after work, quickly so my wife wouldn't know, I would think of all the times I gave in to breaking a streak of staying cheat-free at the merest mention of chinese food. I think of the days I had started eating a more low-carb diet, back in 2003, when I had gotten down to 198 and was so thrilled...dumped my toxic boyfriend...started cheating to make myself feel loved, and then rose not so slowly back up to where I began and more.
It's my own fault...that's what is most frustrating. I see all these people on the boards who had diseases, or weren't able to lose weight because of this or that, and I don't have those excuses. Not a one! So no more excuses.
Croissants? You can go to hell and take this tub of nutella with you!