Okay, so I've now had two cups of coffee and it's only 10:30am...but I think this is my last (and if you try to take it from me I will kill you dead)....and both had cream in it....but I don't anticipate having ANY more dairy today. But still, it feels like a fail. 80/20 I guess. I'm going for 90/10 if possible.
So I need advice, or opinion. Yesterday, for some reason without even realizing it, I ate rice! The rice didn't magically appear on my fork as I brought it to my mouth, I actually took a spoon and spooned it onto my plate and ate it. It was "wild" rice, though...I know, excuse. It didn't occur to me when I was eating it that I wasn't supposed to. I had a big salad, a few pieces of sliced fruit, some grilled veggies, and then the rice. Wild rice with cranberries and almonds to be precise. I remember thinking "well, the cranberries may not be the best, but they are natural, and there's almonds so that's good fat and protein." I just seem to have forgotten the RICE part.
So my question is this: Should I call this a cheat or is it simply a slip. I didn't think "ooh, I'm not supposed to have this but I will ANYWAY!" It was only about 1/2 a cup worth.
I was soooo enjoying my 17th cheat-free day....now I don't know if I can say I'm at 18 or not. I'm very strict and harsh on myself but I'm trying to lighten up. Drill-sergeant Bella is saying "cheat-free my sweet patootie! you have screwed up and now must start over, you pathetic weakling!" Then Hippie Bella says "chill out, girl...it's just a little slip and you didn't really mean it...it wasn't a cheat-with-intent so it doesn't REALLY count, be kind, keep plugging away. Day 18, here we come! Let's get those Birkenstocks on and keep on grooving!" (she's very stereotypical)
So which is it...starting over with today or keep on plugging away on Day 18?
Oh, Oh, Oh....forgot the best part! I have now lost a whopping 5 pounds! Weighed myself this morning and saw that I finally kicked the 255s I'd been hovering around and am now in the 253s! 5 pounds down from where I started, 7 pounds down from my highest...which was only about 5 weeks ago.
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...
Day 22, Cheat Free Day 2....you read that right. Friday I completely freaked out and bought two croissants for breakfast. I lost it. I immediately stopped myself (after downing those pastries before my self-control could realize what I was doing) and, as practiced, reminded myself of all the reasons I am doing this, of all the benefits I'm receiving, and of all the hard work I've been putting in.
All considered, I've had 1 bad day in 22. Can't really complain as that means I'm still on board with this new WOE over 95%.
This morning, after a weekend of inactivity at the in-laws, I weighed in at 254. A pound heavier than Friday morning, but I know that I drank more diet soda than I normally would, sat around MUCH more than I normally would, and ate foods I can't guarantee myself weren't overly processed. My in-laws believe that eating out is just what you do when you're hungry, but while we went to nice places I did eat as good as possible. Pot Roast, salad, omelet, eggs and bacon...but you never know.
Bought a couple new outfits at the outlets by the in-laws to try to help boost the old self-esteem and get me out of my self-flagelating funk that Friday had caused, despite my attempts to let it go.
All in all, it could be much worse. Today I'm moving more, drinking more water, eating better, and hopefully this weekend will show the benefits. I now have a goal...
October 31st I would like to be down to 235. That will be about 10 pounds heavier than I was at my wedding, but I'll take it.
December 31st I would like to be down to 220.
March 31st I would like to be down to 200.
This will mean that by June 1st I'll be down to about 190, and lower than my wife's ever seen me. I'll be lighter then than I have been since 1996.
By this time next year I hope to be in the 170s, in my new house, and a new Mom. Let's see...I can really only control what I eat, how I move, and how I save money, so I can somewhat control only two of those things. My inner control-freak is ready and raring to go!
I really do fear for my generation...and the generation behind me....I really do.
Today I stood in line for my omelet. Two guys, perhaps in mid-20s, stood in front of me spewing the typical comments about their weekends like" dude, I got so wasted," and "bro, I hooked up with this total hottie," and "hey, lets bounce to SBs and grab some Joe," I can ignore those discussions easily, however then they began to really piss me off.
One has apparently decided that instead of forming a real relationship with a real woman, he'd prefer a dog. Not just any dog, no, a Rotweiler. A dog breed that needs enormous time and attention, training, and good handling as they can be quite aggressive (and in the wrong hands, dangerous). Apparently this genious posted this little gem of an idea to his Facebook page and is now annoyed that everyone who knows him, knows people who know him, are commenting on his publically made "status update" on the needs of a dog like this, the best way to raise them, how to handle them, etc. He's pissed off that he made a public comment on a public page to ALL his friends and family, and they aren't all just telling him what a genious he is. They dared to have feedback.
Oh, I weep for my generation. These are the idiots who will be in power as I begin to age into geriatric-status.
I shudder to think what will happen to this poor dog and I REALLY hope the breeder or rescue facility does some thorough research.
Ugh....I may be coming down with the cold everyone around me has been getting, or I could just REALLY need some extra sleep, but this little wagon-jumper is just plain tuckered. I actually thought about calling out today but I have a big deadline that I need to be here for.
I've also been "biting my wife's head off" this morning. She dared to come into the bedroom at 5:20am, when I don't have to be up until 5:30am, and said "Come on, time to get up," as if I'd been sleeping in or something. Then she gave me a hard time because I wanted to wear a light sweater and it was a matching sweater (except for color) to the one she was planning on wearing. This is a never-ending argument with us...even if we just look like we're wearing something similar she freaks out...yet the only people who see us together are the train people, who don't care! But I inevitably have to change....yup, just me. The reason being that she has had this outfit in mind this whole time and when she has to change in a moment's notice she gets antsy, she gets frustrated, her self-esteem plummits, she starts getting more and more critical of how she looks and inevitably she ends up in tears, I end up changing, and we're late for our train. So, frustrated but resigned, I go into the closet to get new clothes and apparently I huffed and made a face, which was UNACCEPTABLE! So when she did her little "no, I'll change, no, I said I'll change" bit I pushed past her and continued getting ready. This, of course, must have meant that I was being B**chy, was angry, and was giving her "major attitude." When I said I wasn't, I just wanted to get dressed it MUST have come out "get the hell out of my way, you are such a horrid person and I hate you," because I got the pissy stare, the door slam, and was FINALLY left alone so I could change....but I'm the one being nasty.
MARRIAGE...ain't it just a beach?
The good news to my lovely morning? I finally lost that pound I gained over the weekend and my wonderful coworker brought me a bag full of cherry tomatoes that she picked from her garden last night. Oh, I can't WAIT to have my own home and garden! Now, do I eat them all over the next couple days, bring them home to share, or come up with a million different recipes for them?
Also, dragged my dehydrator out of storage and opened it up. May try it this weekend on some beef jerky. Wasn't happy to see that I'd have to partially cook or blanch any veggies I wanted to dry...it seems like an extra step but I guess I get why. Can't wait to try my hand at canning too.
I have to say my friend that I stopped in briefly to check out some other logs and yours is fab. Love the honesty, about all subjects.
I hate when you have to change when your wife wears the same colour as you. Its even worse when you have your heart set on a summer shawl and she walks in wearing the same haha.
Awww, thanks Richard. Don't you just hate it? And I bet its always your favorite summer shawl, right? hehe
Today I am trying to make it without coffee. Watch out world!! Don't know why, just thought it might make a nice challenge with today being August 1st. Oh god, it's August. Joy. Where the hell as the summer gone?
Well, I ate too many delicious fresh tomatoes yesterday and my rear is bright red, burning proof. She's bringing in yet another bag of tomatoes for me, that harlot, and I just know that I'm going to die. Tomatoes, who would have thought cherry tomatoes would be my weakness?
Work is piling on the stress and there really isn't much I can do about it. Everything is huge, everything is last minute, everything is SOOO vital and needs total attention. At least I'm refusing to work overtime this week. I've noticed that I've been slowly creeping towards 50 hour weeks over the last month and it has to stop. I've even stopped looking at my work email when I get home.
Coffee....I miss you. This must be what turning into a zombie feels like. I sleepy, grumpy, lethargic, and I think I just moaned "brains" at my coworker without realizing it. I promise you, if we ever have a coffee shortage the zombie apocolyse will not be far behind.
Well, off to grab breakfast. If you see me limping along the hallway, dragging one foot, arms outstretched and moaning, I would highly recommend that you take a different elevator.
Okay, what is it with men these days? Not all, mind you, but specifically the middle-aged, 50+ year olds who have NO right to be so full of themselves? On the train this morning I saw an absolute letch (greasy, balding, fat, red-faced, the whole stereotype incarnate) looking a couple women up and down, and up and down, and again, and again...blatantly, not hiding it, not sneaking a peak, but full-on nasty learing. He made the mistake of looking over towards me and I glared that bastard down with, what I hoped was, a look of absolute contempt and disgust.
In days past that would have been enough for the normal creepy guy to put his eyes down and keep to himself. Not this genious. He looked at me and then went right back to looking these women up and down. It was all I could do from shouting across the emptying train "get a good look at the nice young ladies you disgusting prick?"
Man, I am getting fiestier the closer I get to 40. Or maybe its that I'm now surrounded by other fiesty women in my life and its rubbing off on me? This could be dangerous!
Oh, coffee abstinance did NOT work out. We had a building fire-drill so I high-tailed it out of here and grabbed some coffee-like-substance at the local cafe. Totally not worth it.
This weekend was relatively good, with a side of stupid.
Friday I gave blood so I was, of course, forced to eat cookies and drink juice before I would be allowed to leave, I then almost passed out while setting up a pizza party for our lab crew and was force-fed a piece of pizza by anxious and worried interns (sweet kids). However, I'd do it again in a heart-beat as my blood was earmarked for preemies in the Nic-U ward. I have RARE blood, universal donor, so I try to give blood when I can stomach it.
Saturday we were out and running errands early and I was good. Salads, sweet potatoes, eggs and cheese. Yay me!
Sunday was eggs, dinner was an amazing pot roast (my first attempt with rave reviews), so things went well. Then my wife began trying a new recipe for "yellow" cake. It was a success and it smelled amazing. She was making some cupcakes with leftover batter for my work friends and they did not work out so well. So, in the effort of making sure they weren't fit to eat we tried them. I ate 1 and a half cupcakes and about 3 tablespoons of chocolate ganache.
I feel like CRAP this morning! I am so bloated! My lovely 253 has been replaced by that oh so familiar 255. DAMN YOU!
I'd take a little walk today but we've got thunderstorms coming so I might need to raincheck that.
This week is STRESS week, so I can only hope that I stick with eating well as best as possible. This week I have several huge meetings, several big deadlines AND my wife should be getting to her most fertile point and we'll be visiting the doc for some in-office insemination. Fingers SO CROSSED!!
I am just so anxious for this to work. We've been trying to get pregnant for so long and with no luck. We've spent, already, 2 years and easily over $8000 in attempts, fertility tests, etc. And besides us we've been surrounded by woman after woman who has gotten pregnant by accident. It is so frustrating. We are sooooo ready for this, so damned ready! If adoption weren't so damned expensive we would have started our family long ago.
I will continue to try to reduce the stress, take stress off my wife, and eat well this week because I REALLY want to break out of the 250s soon. I'm so DONE with it!
just "dropped in for a look" - and now I'm hooked on your diary. You write like I think you must "be" and I like you I also recognise many issues - I may have a husband not a wife, but somehow your "stuff" resonated with me. And that's before we even touch on weight loss .... and gain ..... and loss ...... and gain etc etc ad nauseum.
I am with you in spirit on all your journeys, we are on parallel paths on some. You go girl!!